The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – I spent a full week here in the Fat Cave, working laboriously with scholarly texts and these strange silvery glyphs that clearly have Mayan origins, and have finally arrived at a full translation. In order to make sense of them, I had to re-arrange the pictures retrieved from The Shadow’s camera – otherwise they make no sense. However, in their new configuration, they make a fairly clear statement, which follows.

This is a complex glyph that requires right-to-left translation. The two non-representational pictograms on the left are indicators of time and action. The first indicates the approach of the end of the calendar, or time cycle. The second pictogram is equivalent to the future tense of the English verb to be. The third pictogram indicates literally the fall of a great man. Now, this isn’t exactly what it appears – obviously the Mayans didn’t use precisely the same idioms that we use. It does indicate a fall, but this fall is representative of the death of a great man. However, the fact that the man in this glyph is unidentified and wearing ceremonial garb, indicates that it may refer to a great man and his followers, a great man and his ideas, or the man himself may even be dead already, and the fall indicates what will happen to his legacy. This glyph, then, is more or less ambiguous, translating roughly to when the end of time approaches, the great man (or men) and/or his ideas and/or his legacy will die.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clayton, MO – For those of you who don’t know, The Fat Kid isn’t just a bloated fucker who sits around eating and waiting for some UFO shit to happen – he’s also a professional. That is, not only does he work for a major institution that you’ve all heard of, but he also belongs to several professional societies, not least of which is the International Society for the Study of Mayanism (ISSM). This weekend, he bought two seats on an old and extremely dangerous Southwest Airlines Boeing 737, and flew out to Missouri, of all places, to tell the world of his findings.

This is the lobby of the hotel where Fatty stayed. Good thing he got a conference discount – BZ would never spring for the price of a hotel that has two different colors of floor tile.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – My trip to Missouri was really enlightening. The point of academic conferences, for those of you who don’t know, isn’t just to get shitfaced in a city far away from your wife. It’s also partly to exchange ideas with other academics and, more importantly, get feedback from other experts in your field on the work you’ve done. And the feedback I got in Missouri was very useful, but more or less what I expected. Several heavy hitters in the field of Mayanism were really impressed with the presentation I gave, and to a person they agreed that my translation was dead-on-balls accurate. So, we are going to die, it looks like. Yay.

Goodbye, old friend.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last week The Shadow confirmed that space musician, politician, and former BlueZer0 CEO Decanus Picto was the “great man” referred to in my translation of the Mayan Glyphs he photographed on the saucer that abducted him. He then predicted that Decanus Picto would go the way of Hoffa, MLK, JFK, RFK, Medgar Evers, B.I.G., John Lennon, and so on – and we all perked up and took notice. Since that time, highly unusual things have been happening.

The new and improved Decanus Picto. Now, at 7% body fat, he’s a much bigger (though, ironically, actually smaller) threat to the ladies of Clintonville, Worthington, and Northern Columbus.