The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .
Clayton, MO – For those of you who don’t know, The Fat Kid isn’t just a bloated fucker who sits around eating and waiting for some UFO shit to happen – he’s also a professional. That is, not only does he work for a major institution that you’ve all heard of, but he also belongs to several professional societies, not least of which is the International Society for the Study of Mayanism (ISSM). This weekend, he bought two seats on an old and extremely dangerous Southwest Airlines Boeing 737, and flew out to Missouri, of all places, to tell the world of his findings.
This is the lobby of the hotel where Fatty stayed. Good thing he got a conference discount – BZ would never spring for the price of a hotel that has two different colors of floor tile.
Though he was unable to get confirmation of his translation from The Shadow, Fatty said he was confident that his translation is accurate, and represents the best possible interpretation of the text. Despite Fatty’s assertion, the rest of us were somewhat skeptical, given his and The Shadow’s previous arguments regarding translations from other languages. However, the presentation he gave to an audience of his peers – also experts in the Mayan language and script – went well enough that we are now satisfied.
This was The Fat Kid’s audience at the ISSM conference in Clayton, Missouri. That dude in the back was just there to get some water, though.
Using a really boring PowerPoint presentation, The Fat Kid told his audience an abbreviated version of The Shadow’s story, and how he got the photographs. He then explained his process of translation (making sure to note that the texts he used were the most authoritative texts on the subject), and read them the message he had deciphered. After his presentation ended, there was a brief pause, and then they pretty much went apeshit. During the QA session the audience bombarded His Fatness with questions such as, “I thought we were just drumming up business for eFoods Direct! You mean this is for real?” The Fat Kid answered as grimly as I’ve ever seen him that yes, indeed, this [the Mayan prophecy, and the End of Days] was for real, and that we should all expect major changes in 2012.
Some slightly better-informed audience members inquired as to The Shadow’s whereabouts, and whether he could be asked to weigh in on some of the unexplained details of the text, such as the reference to the fourth month, and the possible identity of the great man and/or his ideas. According to Fats, The Shadow has been MIA since the incident which led to his recovering the pictures – The Shadow has not even responded to emails threatening police involvement which, as we know, terrifies him. The Fat Kid did, however, make this cryptic statement: “The one thing that leads me to think The Shadow may still be around is that the IT guys at BZ tell me that though they’ve beefed up security since The Shadow hacked the site, there have been several attempts by a hostile source to take it over. It could just be porno guys trying to make a buck, but they’ve never attacked BZ before, and The Shadow has.”
Most of the audience didn’t hear this part, though. They were too stunned at the fact that there was undeniable evidence – and this time with explicit verbiage – showing that the Mayan prophecy wasn’t just the end of some stone calendar, it was a clear indicator of the end of days.
Assuming Fatty survives the Southwest Airlines flight back, and that pieces of him aren’t scattered all over Indiana, I shall attempt to interview him. Either that, or he’ll oust me as mayor of the site again, and write his own goddamn article. In the meantime, the new search for The Shadow is on!!! The Shadow is approximately 7’3”, weighs around 600 pounds (though his driver’s license says 552), is covered in thick brown hair, smells like an old dog who has slept in a goat pen on a rainy night, walks very quickly, and he really really likes the woods. Anyone who has seen The Shadow is asked to contact the site at firstname.lastname@example.org
Check back for updates, and keep an eye out for The Shadow!!!!! He may be lurking in your town.