The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – Last week I reported that strange beings and forces were following me, and that an insanely paranoid Decanus was carrying an illegal and very dangerous rifle around the woods of north Columbus. This week I decided that it was necessary to refer back to my main source of information – The Shadow – to see if he had any additional news regarding the pending end of the world. However, I found him in quite a state.

Triangulum Galaxy: The giant pinwheel of dust and gas where The Shadow plans to spend the rest of his life with a decent looking chick, after the rest of us have been crushed into an incredibly small point.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – Last week I reported that The Shadow was working on raising the money to build his own flying saucer, so he could get off this planet before Quetzalcoatl turns our galaxy into a bigger black hole than physicists had previously thought possible. However, there was a lot of technical jargon in that article that may have thrown some of our readers off. This week, I thought I would return to The Shadow’s sub-bridge apartment and get him to clarify some of those details, so we could show the reader exactly how space travel works.

This fake saucer is actually pretty awesome. I’d like to build one that looks like that. Anyway, The Shadow plans to use a bunch of stuff that he’s going to exploit women to get his furry mitts on, to build a real flying saucer, so he can get off this rock and avoid the coming apocalypse.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – Last week I conducted an interview with The Shadow regarding superconductivity and the mechanics of space travel in an effort to help a cash-poor but space ship design-rich Shadow convince women to appear nude on his website. So far, none of the women we’ve spoken with are convinced that his ship will work, or that there is even a real need to leave Earth, let alone the Milky Way. However, we proceed undaunted in hopes that someone of loose morals can be persuaded to participate in this.

The Shadow's saucer will hopefully be better than this one that appeared over the Santa Ana desert in 1965 – the same year the first Doors record came out. When this saucer flew off, it left a ring of black smoke behind it. Apparently, it was one of the older diesel models.

The Third Fictional reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – As many of you may know, colossal asshat and failed End of the World (EoW) prognosticator Harold Camping used some nonsense he called “biblical mathematics” to predict that the world would end this past Saturday (05/21/2011). But, uh. . . it didn’t. The Fat Kid, in this and other poorly-written articles, has claimed that it is silly to suppose, based on some primitive book, that the world would end in May of 2011 when the Mayan Calendar clearly doesn’t end until December of 2012. But not everyone agrees.

Decanus Picto, praying to the goddess Danu in Clintonville’s Park of Roses. Also pictured: his machine gun that he carries everywhere since he went crazy. The authorities have been notified.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As many of you recall, of late The Shadow has been trying to persuade women to help him build a porn site, by offering them a free spot on the flying saucer he plans to build in order to get off the earth before the legitimate apocalypse happens in December of 2012. However, he has had no luck. As I have reported elsewhere, women in general are not stupid enough to believe him. Or me. Or Decanus either, really. But anyway, this afternoon, I received a strange email from The Shadow that looks rather like a commercial.

The Fat Kid received this email from The Shadow on Saturday. It looks like it may have been drafted with the help of Dan Gilbert.