The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Olentangy River Trail – Last week I reported that strange beings and forces were following me, and that an insanely paranoid Decanus was carrying an illegal and very dangerous rifle around the woods of north Columbus. This week I decided that it was necessary to refer back to my main source of information – The Shadow – to see if he had any additional news regarding the pending end of the world. However, I found him in quite a state.
Triangulum Galaxy: The giant pinwheel of dust and gas where The Shadow plans to spend the rest of his life with a decent looking chick, after the rest of us have been crushed into an incredibly small point.
To get to The Shadow’s apartment, you have to walk through the weeds and down this embankment, and then make a right. And it kind of sucks. I mean, there are ticks and stuff. You don’t want Lyme disease or anything. . .
The Shadow’s sub-bridge apartment, where Fatty found him totally freaking out.
When I approached the Shadow’s front. . . opening, or whatever the bridge has on either side, I could hear that he was frantically tapping away at his laptop, and even after I had entered and stood there for a few minutes he didn’t stop. I had to remind him again that I could put him in jail before I could get him to talk. I then recorded the following brief interview.
FK: I wanted to know whether you have figured out what’s going on with Quetzalcoatl.
TS: What, are you stupid? I told you already. He’s coming here and he’s going to turn the earth into the giantest fucking black hole ever. That’s it. There’s nothing else.
FK: But Decanus will die first.
TS: Yes, man. Yes. How many times do I have to tell you that? Decanus is going to die first, and then so is everyone else. When someone tells me I’m going to be crushed into a singularity, I usually only need to hear that one time.
FK: Well, what are you doing now?
TS: I’m trying to get off this fucktarded rock.
FK: New scheme?
TS: No, old scheme. I’m trying to start a porn site so I can make money, get some materials together, and get the fuck out of here. And this needs to happen soon.
TS: Look, space travel isn’t easy. We aren’t driving to grandma’s house, OK? We need to travel millions of light years to get to another galaxy. The nearest one, other than the dwarf galaxies (and trust me, nobody wants to go to them), is the Andromeda Galaxy, which is awesome. Pretty close. But also, it sucks. It’s moving toward us, which means that if the whole Milky Way galaxy is turned into a SUPER supermassive black hole, the Andromeda Galaxy also is a death trap. So, I need to get to the fucking triangulum galaxy, which is three million light years away. To travel that kind of distance, you need three things: a ship made out of a superconductor, lots of element 115, and lots and lots of time. I have a formula for a superconductor, and I have a source for element 115. No trouble there. What I don’t have is time. I need time both to build the ship, and to fly it far the fuck away from here. Even if I left right now, in order to get to Triangulum before I died from old age, I’d already have to travel several times faster than the speed of light.
FK: That’s impossible. The speed of light is the fastest speed there is.
TS: To douche bags like you it’s impossible, but I’ve been on a flying saucer, OK? I know what I’m doing. Anyway, if I’m not out of here very shortly, it’ll be useless to bother leaving because I won’t be able to get outside of the event horizon of a black hole as giant and massive as this one. I need loot pieces, quick. I need to get the superconductor materials, the 115, build the thing, and jet. I mean, not literally, but. . . whatever.
FK: So, what’s up with the site? Is it up yet?
TS: I don’t even have the domain I want. I wanted shadowgirls.com, but some douche bag already took it and put some nonsense up on it. I’m working on another domain, but my main worry is girls. Where am I going to get girls? You have to have money to get chicks naked, but the whole reason I’m doing this is that I don’t have any money to begin with.
FK: You could offer them a spot on your ship.
TS: Yeah, I’ve tried that, but most girls – even stripper-grade girls – aren’t stupid enough to believe any of this, so a spot on the ship is valueless to them.
FK: I could pass the word along to BZ readers so that if anyone is interested, they could email us. . .
TS: Dude, that would be freaking awesome.
So, that’s where we are: The Shadow is offering free passage to the Triangulum Galaxy to any decent looking girl [The Shadow has confirmed that you only need to be decent looking, not necessarily super hot, to qualify – Editor] who is willing to take her gear off and get down. Interested parties should email a picture to email@example.com