The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Olentangy River Trail – Last week I conducted an interview with The Shadow regarding superconductivity and the mechanics of space travel in an effort to help a cash-poor but space ship design-rich Shadow convince women to appear nude on his website. So far, none of the women we’ve spoken with are convinced that his ship will work, or that there is even a real need to leave Earth, let alone the Milky Way. However, we proceed undaunted in hopes that someone of loose morals can be persuaded to participate in this.
The Shadow's saucer will hopefully be better than this one that appeared over the Santa Ana desert in 1965 – the same year the first Doors record came out. When this saucer flew off, it left a ring of black smoke behind it. Apparently, it was one of the older diesel models.
The ring of black smoke the above-mentioned saucer left behind.
A transcript of the interview follows.
FK: Last time you did a great job of making superconductivity and its importance to space travel really clear to lay persons. Why don’t we go ahead and start talking about some other issues of space travel. What about this element 115 that you keep talking about. What’s the deal with that?
TS: Well, the thing is, even if the feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl weren’t coming here to destroy the whole galaxy probably, we could never really get anywhere in space at all, because in terms of propulsion all we’re good at using is what we call “chemical fuel,” which essentially means that we burn shit, and the energy the burning gives off pushes us somewhere, which is incredibly inefficient and primitive. I mean, think about that – no matter what chemicals you burn, whether you burn coal, gasoline, or liquid oxygen, you’re not doing anything different than the cro-magnon who burned wood or even shit for heat. Same thing. And it’s all incredibly, unbelievably inefficient. Most of the energy is lost in the form of heat. Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? You know those two big tower-looking things that the shuttle’s attached to? All they are are fuel cells, filled with chemical fuel, and it takes that much just to get out of Earth’s atmosphere. Just to get up there we have to burn more than the shuttle itself’s weight in fuel. Which is ridiculous. So, chemical fuel is not an option for space travel. Just can’t use it. Couldn’t if you wanted to. Think about how quickly that fuel burns just getting the shuttle out of our atmosphere, and how big those things are. It’d take five million times as much fuel even to approach the speed of light, plus you’d have to carry so much fuel that the ship would be like the size of a star or something. No way. Just can’t do it. Chemical fuel can’t get you there. No way. So, advanced peoples use element 115.
FK: But what is it, and how does it operate as fuel?
TS: Element 115 is a superheavy element that does not actually occur naturally on Earth. However, we are able to synthesize it by taking americium isotopes that are found mainly in spent nuclear fuel, and bombarding them with calcium isotopes – that particular collision results in element 115 atoms being created. But it does occur naturally off-world in dangerous places that we cannot reach, like very young stars.
FK: Why only very young stars?
TS: Well, the higher an element’s atomic number the more quickly it decays. So, the reason, or one potential reason, that it doesn’t occur naturally on the Earth is that its half-life is much shorter than the age of the Earth. So even if it did occur here millions of years ago, all the atoms of it that were here when the Earth was created have since decayed. However, young stars are different. First of all, to clear things up, what a star is is a giant nuclear furnace. They just burn lots of atoms all day, and all night. The result, then, is spent nuclear fuel which, as I’ve mentioned, sometimes – depending on what the fuel was initially – contains americium. In stars it can also contain element 115 itself. But, again, it doesn’t stick around for long, so only in young stars.
FK: And why is this element important?
TS: Well, it has a strange property that no one has been able to explain to me yet, and this property enables travel at extraordinary rates of speed. Let me just get right to it. What we – we being people who understand and are capable of space travel – do with element 115 is put it in a very small particle accelerator because we find that when it is bombarded with high energy particles it does two things that nobody on Earth can explain. The first thing it does is create antimatter, which is an awesome thing. Antimatter is very complicated stuff, but just be aware that when it touches regular matter the reaction is very big – both particles are converted into 100% energy in the same way that single atoms are converted into atomic energy when we “smash” them, or loosen the bonds that hold their smaller constituent particles together. The energy that is created when matter and antimatter touch is heat energy, which can easily be directed to an alkali thermal-electric converter, which will give us tons of electrical energy.
FK: And you use that energy for propulsion?
TS: No. That energy is free and can be used for a hundred things – running on-board computers, lights, anything you need to run. But it’s pretty much a by-product. We don’t really need that for space travel, though it is very handy. What we use for propulsion is the other major reaction we get from element 115 – a gravity wave.
FK: So, you travel using gravity? Wouldn’t that slow you down?
TS: You’d think that, but let me explain. Gravity is created by bending space itself. Space is a four-dimensional fabric, so it’s difficult to picture, but imagine it as three dimensional. Imagine it as a mattress, like the mattress on your bed, OK? And when there’s gravity, the reason that there’s gravity is that something is bending that space, or in our hypothetical case, bending that mattress. And anything that’s traveling in that space therefore travels along the bend because the space itself through which it is traveling is bent. So, imagine you took a bowling ball and put it right in the middle of your bed. There’s a big depression on your bed. And what happens to anything on the bed within that depression? It all rolls down to the bowling ball. So, imagine that you sat a baseball on the edge of the depression. The baseball rolls right down and smashes into the bowling ball and stays there. That’s what gravity is. Imagine that the bowling ball is a planet, and the depression is the gravitational field of that planet, and the baseball is, I dunno, an asteroid, or meteorite. That’s how the attraction of gravity works – when an object gets into the gravitational pull of something it gets sucked down on the same principle. Same thing is space as on your bed. But here’s where the analogy breaks down – in space, the heavier the thing is, the faster the objects move, and the larger the depression or gravitational field is – it doesn’t really work like that with beds, so just imagine the space part now.
FK: OK, but I still don’t see how you can use that to travel.
TS: Well, if you can bend space, then you can move things within a gravitational field. And if you can create a gravity wave, then you have bent space. So, when you bombard element 115 with high energy particles, one of the things you are doing is bending or warping space.
FK: How does that work?
TS: I dunno. But that’s what happens. That’s part of what I told you no one on Earth could explain. Aliens know what the deal is because it’s the principle by which they travel, but I couldn’t find that out. I just know that it happens – I’ve been in a saucer that does it, and the grays on board verified for me that they use element 115 in a scaled-down particle accelerator.
FK: OK, well, still, how do you use that for travel?
TS: You still don’t get it? It’s a warp drive. You know, on sci-fi shows and movies and stuff, when they say “warp drive” they aren’t just saying some dumb shit that they made up. They’re saying some for real-ass shit. If you can create a gravity wave, and direct it, you can direct it in front of you. That is, you can bend – or warp – the space in front of you, and create a gravitational pull that will suck you along through the galaxy. You just have to project that bend in space ahead of you a bit, so it sucks you along. Like, imagine it this way. You know how when you’re driving on a dark, dark road at night, your headlights form a sort of cone in front of you? Well, imagine that at the far end of that cone, that’s where space is bent, and it sucks you forward. But because you’re projecting it outwards, the focus of the gravity wave remains the same distance away from your ship just as the cone of light remains always the same distance ahead of your car. So, once it’s sucked you along however far, the focus of the wave, and therefore the bend in space, are still exactly that far ahead of you, and this creates a continuous flow of movement. This is how space travel is accomplished by reasonably advanced beings. We aren’t burning anything like a bunch of fucktarded savages in the woods somewhere. We’re bending space, and rolling gravity style.
FK: But I have a question. If you’re traveling by way of gravity, then don’t you only go as fast as. . . I dunno. Only as fast as the strength of the gravitational pull or something? Like, you said that in order to get to the Triangulum Galaxy you’d have to travel several times the speed of light. But objects that enter the Earth’s gravitational field, or even the sun’s gravitational field, don’t fall down to Earth or into the sun at anywhere near the speed of light. So, I can see how this’d be awesome, but how do you get up to speed?
TS: Good question, twinkle nuts. The thing is, you can increase the intensity of the gravity, using an amplifier powered by the electrical energy you create when you combine matter with the antimatter that is the by-product of bombarding element 115. So, let’s say that normally bombarding element 115 creates a gravitational pull equivalent to that of earth. You run it through the amp and increase it to that of a black hole. Boom. You’re at at least light speed. At least because light cannot escape black holes so we know a black hole’s pull is at least that strong. Increase it again. Boom. You’re at two times light speed. And it’s exactly twice as fast. Exactly because, as we discussed last time, there’s no drag due to space being a vacuum, and due to the ship being made out of a superconducting metal. So you see why this is such a great thing? You see why chicks should take their gear off and get down with me? They could get a spot on this badass saucer that can take us the fuck off this floating stone and get us somewhere safe. Somewhere where there are no feathered serpents or whatever that run around destroying galaxies and shit. Fucking feathered serpents are bitches. I hate those motherfuckers. Don’t tell them that I said that, though.
FK: No, don’t worry, I won’t. I’ll have the wage slaves at BZ edit this part out of the interview so it’s no problem. But still, though, sho’ you right. I hate those motherfuckers and their bitch-ass AOL accounts, too. AOL. Like it’s 1999. But anyway, this concept is really intriguing.
TS: Absolutely. Really interesting stuff. And it explains everything you’ve ever wondered about saucers. How can they fly silently? No burning, no explosions, and therefore no noise. How can they fly so fast silently? They aren’t flying, they’re falling. Or, rather, being sucked along by the gravitational pull of an artificially created bend in space. You might even call it a suck drive instead of a warp drive. Kinda sounds. . . funnier. Suck drive.
FK: Right.
TS: So this, ladies, is why you should cooperate with me. Who cares what your mother’d think? She won’t even know. Just don’t tell her. You help me get the hell out of here, and in return I’ll help you get the hell out of here, and we’ll both survive on some goldilocks zone planet in the neighborhood of the triangulum galaxy. OK?
FK: It sounds air tight to me, ladies. I’m not seeing ANY holes in this story.
TS: And hey, Fatty, if you can make yourself useful to me, I might be able to find a spot on the ship for you, too. Wanna go?
FK: Um. . . nah. Most of the time I kinda wanna die. Thanks, though.
So, that’s where we are ladies and gentlemen. Or, rather, ladies. Any 18-years-of-age-or-older female interested in being nude on the internet and then getting free passage to the Triangulum Galaxy should email sexcult@bluezer0.net
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