The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – I’m sure eight or ten of you recall that two articles ago the Third Fictional Reporter reported that Decanus claimed to have prevented the impeding end of the world by praying to the Celtic goddess Danu. Word on the street is that Decanus is taking things with Danu to the next level.

According to outdoor resident Santa Bum, Decanus has been starting big bonfires at night, dedicated to the goddess Danu. Don't worry, though – it's a controlled burn.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – After his failed attempts to get chicks to get naked on his website, The Shadow changed strategies, opting instead to try to start a bromance with any dude rich enough to finance his saucer project. This also turned out to be a poor strategy, which he quickly abandoned. Things then took a turn for the worse with The Shadow. On Thursday night, he was arrested for public drunkenness and public urination. On Friday night he was arrested for trespassing, public drunkenness, stealing a backhoe, operating heavy equipment without certification, and operating heavy equipment while under the influence of alcohol. I personally bailed him out on Friday night, but he wouldn’t speak to me about the matter, and he has since disappeared.

The Shadow was arrested for getting drunk, stealing this backhoe, and parking it on top of this pile of broken cement on a construction site in Upper Arlington. Is this a good sign or a bad sign?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Longtime readers know that we here at BZ have certain bands we promote even though they do everything in their power to distance themselves from us. For the longest time, we made constant-but-oblique references to Taiwanese black-ish metal band, Chthonic. Later we started promoting Poland’s favorite death metal band (after Vader, that is), Behemoth. Unfortunately, as BZ was 18th in the world to report , Behemoth frontman Adam “Nergal” Darski got Leukemia, and has since been convalescing rather than putting out records. So, until Darski recovers, and the world has another Behemoth record that puts most other death metal records to shame, we have decided that we need a house band (I know that isn’t the term I’m looking for here) to fill in for our Polish pals.

“Slaves Shall Serve,” from Behemoth’s (arguably) best record, Demigod, is the motherfucking super bomb. Also, it was used by former BZ CEO and maybe still POTUS candidate Decanus Picto as his campaign song, until the mighty Behemoth disassociated themselves from us. Still, it’s an awesome track. You know, even though they don't like us and all. *sniff*

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As previously reported The Shadow has been trying to build a flying saucer that would allow him to get the hell out of the Milky Way before its utter destruction, and there have been conflicting stories regarding his success or failure in that venture. Today, however, Upper Arlington (including my apartment) was abuzz about a saucer sighted in broad daylight, in a highly populated area just a quarter of a mile from his home under Shadow Bridge.

This saucer was seen hovering over a silver Chevy Impala, right outside The Fat Kid’s apartment. Based on the size of the car, we calculate that the saucer was at least 10 feet long.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As most of you know, at 1:30 PM this past Sunday a saucer was sighted right outside my apartment in Upper Arlington, and because I live within walking distance of Shadow Bridge, and since The Shadow had elaborate plans for building his own saucer, there was much speculation about whether it was his. Since that time pretty much nothing happened until Wednesday afternoon when there was a deafening explosion – again at about 1:30 PM. I went outside and saw a plume of smoke rising from the east. I jumped in my ride, and before I got two blocks I saw utter devastation.

What’s left of an extraordinarily shitty Damon’s restaurant, where it took forty-five minutes to get some awful fries and a half-cooked cheeseburger – extra chewy. The Fat Kid claims it was destroyed by a saucer similar to the one seen near his apartment last week, and that he’s glad it’s fucking gone. The saucer allegedly created and entered the big triangular hole, and then blew the fuck up.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – After days of round-the-clock reconnaissance at Shadow Bridge I was finally able to wrest substantial information out of the Shadow regarding the recent spate of saucer sightings in and around Upper Arlington – and the saucers were in fact his.

After days of watching, The Fat Kid got this and other photos of The Shadow’s saucer, parked near Shadow Bridge Using objects in the photograph for scale, we calculate that the craft is forty feet in diameter, and twelve feet tall – much bigger than the saucer sighted at the Fat Cave.