The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – I’m sure eight or ten of you recall that two articles ago the Third Fictional Reporter reported that Decanus claimed to have prevented the impeding end of the world by praying to the Celtic goddess Danu. Word on the street is that Decanus is taking things with Danu to the next level.
According to outdoor resident Santa Bum, Decanus has been starting big bonfires at night, dedicated to the goddess Danu. Don't worry, though – it's a controlled burn.
I was coming home from some place at the end of the world about three o’clock of a black spring morning, and my way lay through Clintonville. Street after street and all the people asleep – except Santa Bum. For those of you not familiar with Columbus’ homeless celebs, Santa Bum is a homeless guy who never speaks, is really tall and really fat, has a big white beard and a full head of white hair, almost always wears sweat pants and flipflops, and is frequently seen getting on the number 2 COTA bus with a paper bag from McDonald’s, and going down to the Sullivant Hall Library, where he goes upstairs and disappears somewhere. Seriously, that’s all true. But Santa Bum also frequents Clintonville late at night. And on this particular night, as I was walking south, I got into that state of mind when a man listens and listens and begins to long for the sight of a policeman. All at once, I saw Santa Bum standing by the bus stop, looking directly at me. I knew he wasn’t waiting for the bus, because it was long after the busses stop running, so I just tried to walk by. But Santa Bum wasn’t having it. He stopped me, and we had the following exchange.
[The following conversation is approximate. That is, I can’t remember exactly what was said, but this is pretty close.]
SB: I saw your friend.
FK: Who?
SB: The one with the rifle.
FK: Oh, shit. How’s he doing?
SB: He comes out late at night and goes into the woods [in Whetstone Park]. Starts fires.
FK: Like he’s trying to set the woods on fire?
SB: No. Bonfires. Big ones.
FK: Any idea what for?
SB: Danu.
FK: I see. How do you know this?
SB: I heard him. He said “Danu.” He says he’s going to bring her back.
FK: Bring her back to what?
Santa Bum stopped talking at this point, which was disappointing because it was the first time I had ever heard him speak at all. He held out his hand, I put some money into it, and he turned and walked away.
Decanus had not responded to email as of press time, so we have no idea what this means. What we can say is that if you read this article closely, you can tell that Decanus really likes the goddess Danu. What he’s going to do about that – and what he means by saying he's going to bring her back – is up for debate.
Check back for updates!!!!!!!
