The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Upper Arlington – As most of you know, at 1:30 PM this past Sunday a saucer was sighted right outside my apartment in Upper Arlington, and because I live within walking distance of Shadow Bridge, and since The Shadow had elaborate plans for building his own saucer, there was much speculation about whether it was his. Since that time pretty much nothing happened until Wednesday afternoon when there was a deafening explosion – again at about 1:30 PM. I went outside and saw a plume of smoke rising from the east. I jumped in my ride, and before I got two blocks I saw utter devastation.
What’s left of an extraordinarily shitty Damon’s restaurant, where it took forty-five minutes to get some awful fries and a half-cooked cheeseburger – extra chewy. The Fat Kid claims it was destroyed by a saucer similar to the one seen near his apartment last week, and that he’s glad it’s fucking gone. The saucer allegedly created and entered the big triangular hole, and then blew the fuck up.
There appeared to have been an explosion at the Olentangy River Road location of Damon’s. I got to the scene before the police and fire departments, when there were still people standing around the wreckage. I asked around, and was told that a silver disc had been hovering over Union Cemetery, that would periodically shoot straight up into the air, or shoot off horizontally to the west at incredible speeds, and then return to what seemed like the exact same spot above the graveyard. The crowd had initially gathered to watch the spectacular disc, but on one of its passes to the west, it seemed to spin out of control and smash into that awful, awful restaurant.
“A” marks the spot of the saucer crash. Due east of there – a quarter of a mile at most – Shadow Bridge spans the muddy Olentangy, and under it The Shadow, some hobos, some runaways, some meth-heads, and at least three illegals live sometimes.
Once again, a saucer was sighted very close to The Shadow’s sub-bridge apartment. None of the witnesses saw anyone leave the wreckage, and police arrived before I could investigate the crash site myself. Was it The Shadow’s saucer, and is he now dead? I spent every minute between the arrival of the police and right now (4:30 AM) staking out Shadow Bridge, and there has been no sign of him. If that saucer was his, it looks like we’ve seen the last of him, but only Tan knows for sure. After posting this article, I will return to Shadow Bridge in hopes of catching a sight of that fat hairy bitch. But, you know, if he’s dead that’s cool, too. The important thing is that we know so we can divide up his stuff.
Check back for updates!!!!
