The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Olentangy River Trail – After days of round-the-clock reconnaissance at Shadow Bridge I was finally able to wrest substantial information out of the Shadow regarding the recent spate of saucer sightings in and around Upper Arlington – and the saucers were in fact his.
After days of watching, The Fat Kid got this and other photos of The Shadow’s saucer, parked near Shadow Bridge Using objects in the photograph for scale, we calculate that the craft is forty feet in diameter, and twelve feet tall – much bigger than the saucer sighted at the Fat Cave.
Hiding in the brush along the Olentangy River Trail may have given me Lyme disease, and a severe case of poison ivy, but I did finally get the information I needed. Having taken more than fifty photos of The Shadow’s saucer, including some close-ups that are more revealing than he would like, I approached him with the sensitive information I had regarding his saucer. In exchange for my silence, and for my only using one agreed upon shot (seen above), The Shadow finally told me what has been happening around here. I recorded the following interview:
FK: So, what the fuck, dude? What’s with all the saucers?
TS: Ask a smarter question than that, fucktard.
FK: Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. What I meant was this – recently there have been several saucers sighted around here – specifically one that was seen right outside my apartment, and one that destroyed that awful Damon’s across the street. And previous to that, there were rumors about a saucer that crashed into the river. However, those saucers looked different than the one that’s parked above the bridge right now. Were these saucers yours, or are they connected with the alien saucers that have been seen in this area in years past?
TS: Both, really. I mean, to be straightforward about this, yes, they were mine. But if you recall, the saucer that was sighted here in 2009 was the same one that I took out, and later snuck into Wright-Patterson AFB to photograph, and part of the plans I used to build my own saucers came from that experience, so in that sense they’re connected.
FK: I see. I notice you used the plural – so you built SEVERAL saucers, then?
TS: Of course. Two scaled-down prototypes that I test flew for a while, and then the final product that’s parked outside right now.
FK: So the story that hobo told me about the saucer that crashed into the river was true?
TS: Oh yeah. That fucker wasn’t put together very well at all, so it took a header into the drink. It’s still down there, actually, if you’re interested, and you think you can get a dive team together on BZ’s budget.
FK: Um. . . no. What happened to it, though? It actually came apart?
TS: Well, sort of. The particle accelerator I built for it wasn’t put together quite right, the suck drive failed, and down it went.
FK: So, that WAS why you went on your bender.
TS: Yeah. At that time, I was afraid that I’d never get off this fucking rock. I was afraid I’d never figure out how to build a ship properly, and that I’d get squished here like the rest of you. Hence the bender.
FK: So, what about the saucer that was outside my apartment?
TS: Yeah, I was just fucking with you, dude. Sorry about that. I hope you weren’t downloading a particularly large porn file or anything when your power went out. I just wanted to make sure you saw it. You know, make the press just for kicks.
FK: So, when you crashed it into Damon’s, did the suck drive fail there, too?
TS: No, I was just drunk. Lost control, and smashed that shithole to pieces.
FK: Thanks for that, by the way. I’ve been trying to think of a way to get back at those fuckers for the awful excuse for a cheeseburger they served me once, but I could never really come up with anything good. You really took them out for me. I appreciate it.
TS: No trouble. Drinking and crashing is my forte.
FK: What about the wreckage of that craft? I mean, you’re being really secretive about your existing craft. Aren’t you concerned about getting that material back to keep the government from reverse engineering it?
TS: No, these prototypes are just made from aluminum. Nothing special. They’re just there for test flights, beer runs, and so on. I saved the Bob Whitean alloy for the final one.
FK: How did you survive that crash, anyway? I mean, that building was fucking destroyed, dude.
TS: Yeah, safety systems are built in. I’m not going to wind up like one of those little Roswell fucks all injured just because of a crash.
These special safety devices are built into every Shadow Brand™ saucer to prevent impact-related death.
FK: Where did you get the money for all this? I mean, you tried to get some stupid chicks to help with your website and that didn’t work out. And then you tried to get some stupid dudes to invest in your saucer and that didn’t work out. Where did the financing come from?
TS: From a private source.
FK: Come on, man. You know the agreement – you give me info, and I don’t share your saucer secrets with the public. Where’d you get the money?
TS: Doesn’t this qualify as a saucer-related secret? I think it does.
FK: Nope. Where’d you get it?
TS: ……modeling.
FK: What the fuck did you just say?
TS: Look, some jerkass in Washington state wanted pictures of me, and he offered me a hell of a lot of money for them, OK? Now shut the fuck up.
FK: OK. That was fucking awkward. Anyway, I guess this is it, then, right? I mean, it looks like you’re ready and everything. When are you leaving for the Triangulum Galaxy?
TS: I haven’t set a date yet. I have some things I want to take care of, and then I’ll release a statement through BlueZer0 – an official good-bye to the Earth, and all its dick-breath inhabitants that I’ve always hated.
FK: You know, I have one last question for you, though. I can’t help but notice that your saucers – none of the ones I’ve seen, anyway – look. . . quite right. You know, flying saucers tend to be highly polished. People always describe them as looking as though they were made of liquid mercury, or like silver that’s polished to a mirror shine. Yours don’t seem to have that same quality. They’re almost textured – this one less so than the previous ones, but they don’t look like liquid metal like the saucer descriptions your regularly get. What’s the deal with that? Are you using different materials or something?
TS: I’m not quite sure how they get that shine. Maybe they have some space-tested Turtle Wax up there or something, but I can’t get this thing to look quite like that. It’s just sort of. . . I dunno. But I mean, this last one is space-tested and everything, so it shouldn’t be a problem. An aesthetic deficiency, that’s all.
FK: All right. I guess that’s everything. I guess we’ll hear back from you soon regarding your leaving?
TS: I’m not sure HOW soon. There’s still the better part of a year before I have to be out of here. But soon enough, you’ll hear from me.
So, there it is. The Shadow has done some kind of modeling, gotten the money together, and built a flying saucer which he plans to use to leave our planet before the year is out.
Check back for updates!!!!!!!
