The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Decanus Picto held a press conference in the Park of Roses this morning to announce the formation of The First Church of Danu of Latter Day Pagans. As long-time readers will recall, I am an alcoholic who barely works, so I have a great deal of difficulty waking up in the AM. Accordingly, I did not make it to the press conference. I did, however, speak with Decanus in the afternoon, and we discussed his new church over some just-barely-imported beer.

This picture of Decanus was taken in Clintonville’s Park of Roses just prior to the press conference at which he announced the formation of his ridiculous church. I guess he expects people to join it, now?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As the sober among you (I make no judgments) may recall, The Shadow recently finished building his own flying saucer, and was making plans to leave the Milky Way altogether and colonize the Triangulum Galaxy. Early this morning (meaning 3:00 AM) I got an email pursuant to that, containing an announcement regarding The Shadow’s final exit from this toilet Earth.

This diagram, which shows the effect an Alcubierre Warp Drive (a.k.a. Shadowtronic Suck Drive) has on space, illustrates how The Shadow plans to get to the Triangulum Galaxy. Also, it looks cool as hell.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Erstwhile BZ CEO and presidential candidate Decanus Picto claims to have been contacted recently by ancient Celtic goddess Danu, who revealed “unto” him the tenets of the church of Danu.

Decanus Picto commissioned a digital artist to recreate his vision of the goddess Danu. She’s super-fucking-hot, right? I don’t really know what her goat fetish is about, but whatever, dude. I’ll do pretty much whatever this chick says.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As very very VERY few of you will recall, The Shadow has recently left the Earth and the Milky Way for the Triangulum Galaxy and an otherwise unknown planet which, in an extraordinary burst of creativity, he dubbed New Earth. As you also probably do not recall, The Shadow is the only intelligent creature on that whole planet, but even so he has declined to bring anyone with him, and plans to live the rest of his life there in complete isolation. However, just before leaving, he promised to write to those of us who are not sophisticated enough to build a Shadowtronic Suck Drive and fly out of here before Quetzalcoatl comes back and busts the Earth’s bitch ass. This afternoon he kept that promise, and wrote me an email. And then he wrote me another, and another, and another.

The Triangulum Nebula, where The Shadow is hanging out on his own little Kashyyk, rollin’ all Gigantopithecus-style. Which just means in the woods.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Certain of you may remember that former BZ CEO Decanus Picto recently went completely batshit and started [believing that he was] talking to an ancient Celtic goddess, Danu. Then, just a couple weeks ago, he founded The First Church of Danu of Latter Day Pagans, and in a vision received from her a list of Divine Revelations. I was present this Saturday night when Decanus opened his church, and performed the first ever North American service in honor and praise of the goddess Danu.

The goddess Danu, creating something or other. She can totally do that, just like regular God, except that her dress size is like two or something and He wears like an 8 (plus she’s a lefty). How does she stay so trim? Strict goat diet.