The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – Decanus Picto held a press conference in the Park of Roses this morning to announce the formation of The First Church of Danu of Latter Day Pagans. As long-time readers will recall, I am an alcoholic who barely works, so I have a great deal of difficulty waking up in the AM. Accordingly, I did not make it to the press conference. I did, however, speak with Decanus in the afternoon, and we discussed his new church over some just-barely-imported beer.
This picture of Decanus was taken in Clintonville’s Park of Roses just prior to the press conference at which he announced the formation of his ridiculous church. I guess he expects people to join it, now?
I recorded the following interview with Decanus in Clintonville’s deservedly-famous Bob’s Bar, just up the street from the Park of Roses.
FK: So, why are you starting a new church?
DP: Well, after Danu stepped in and prevented the end of the world, I started talking to her a bit more frequently, you know? Just calling to see what she was up to, and how her day went, and that kind of thing, and I’ve really developed a personal relationship with Danu.
FK: It sounds like, um. . .
DP: No, we’re not dating or anything like that – not exclusively, anyway – but I’m OK with that. You have to love the goddess Danu with all your heart, and accept that she loves EVERYONE.
FK: I see. That sounds. . .
DP: No matter how hard that is, you have to accept it.
FK: Yeah, I was going to say, though, that. . .
DP: EVERYONE. She loves EVERYONE, but that doesn’t make you any less special, just because she loves all the other guys just the same as she loves you. Or at least all the guys who are equally pious. And some of the girls, too, though that’s really just a once-in-a-while kind of thing, and no pictures allowed, you know, depending on whether or not her face is in the shot or whatever. You know, you start slacking off, though, working on her holy days, forgetting sacrifices and stuff, and she’ll cut you off. Seriously. She needs a burned-up goat EVERY FREAKING SATURDAY, or it’s your ass. You know? That goat from last week is only going to last a goddess so long before she’s hungry again, and you had better be out in the woods Saturday night, burning a fucking goat, or you’re in for it. For real. No shit.
FK: OK. Um. . . right. So, let me ask you some questions. What is this church going to be like? I mean, let me be more specific – do you have a building you’re going to use?
DP: Not quite yet. I have my eye on a place, a place that a certain friend of ours was using back in like ’07 or ’08 that has fallen into disrepair. But I feel like I can fix it up, and get things into usable condition again.
FK: OK, and what about the message? I mean, what is the message of Danu’s church?
DP: Well, it’s a really chill kind of thing. You know, regular ol’ god is all uptight, like, “You gotta worship me or I’mna fuck you up and set you on fire and shit,” but Danu is really chill, you know? And she just asks for simple things.
FK: But you just said that you have to be really pious or she’ll cut you off. I’m still not really sure what exactly that refers to, but you said that she gets all mad and stuff, and that you have to burn a goat every weekend or she gets REALLY mad. That doesn’t really sound that “chill” or simple.
DP: Yeah, but you’re forgetting that she’s a girl, though. I mean, it’s easier to make yourself do stuff for chicks because you get more out of it. I mean, worshipping and serving a dude? That’s kinda. . . you know. Let’s just say it’s awkward. It’s way easier to force yourself to comply with someone you secretly resent, and who pushes you around, when that person is also super-hot. Plus this one is VERIFIABLY THERE. She ANSWERS you when you ask her something, which is really important. I mean, regular god doesn’t bother to respond to your fucking email, even. And that’s fine sometimes, but, like, don’t make it impossible for me to get in touch with you, you know? That just fucking sucks. It’s frustrating.
FK: So, you’re saying that you’ve spoken directly with Danu, then?
DP: Well, no, I mean, she’s REALLY busy. She has a lot of stuff going on. But if you ask her nicely, and burn some goats and dogs and shit on a sacrificial altar, you’ll get results.
FK: Like what?
DP: What do you mean, “like what?” You’re standing here, aren’t you? I asked her to keep god from fucking us all up and sending us all to hell and so on, and she totally did that. You have a memory problem or something?
FK: Well, yeah, sort of, but. . . that isn’t the point. I mean. . . OK, so you just take it at face value that you asked Danu to do this, and since the world didn’t end, you’re saying that’s proof that she DID do it, so you’re sacrificing animals to her and founding a church in her name.
DP: Well, yeah. I mean, that’s how it works, right? Some god helps a bunch of nomads destroy a city and mercilessly slaughter all its inhabitants or whatever, and then they build him a church, and he gets worshipped and that’s it. But the thing is, Danu does the OPPOSITE of that. Like, rather than asking or telling or helping people to kill a bunch of OTHER people, she saved the entire freaking world. So, she hooked us up way more than any other god ever did, and I have total, sincere, 100% faith in her. We all owe her our fealty, and I’ll see that she gets it.
FK: I mean you don’t think it’s possible that the world just didn’t end cause that one dude who said it was going to was just a fuck nut? I mean, people predict the world’ll end all the time, and it just never does.
DP: Nope. I don’t have blasphemous thoughts like that. Ever. EVER, you hear? I always give credit where credit's due, and I never think about other deities when I’m worshipping Danu. Never. She wouldn’t like that.
FK: I see. So, like, you’re going to be the priest of The First Church of Danu of Latter Day Pagans?
DP: Sure am. More like the Pope, but as the FIRST Pope, I’ll actually have to be the regular priest. You know, until we get the church fully staffed and so on. I’ll have to call Spherion or something on Monday.
FK: So, right now you’re the only one who belongs to this church?
DP: Right. I mean, I guess so. There were some old ladies walking by during the press conference, but they got real scared and hobbled off. I went after them, but they started crying and shit so I left them alone for now. But, yeah, I mean, it looks like right now I’m the only one. I bet they’re thinking about me, though. Maybe I’ll get a convert.
FK: OK. So, all religions entail a kind of morality, like a list of rules or commandments or whatever. What are Danu’s?
DP: I’m actually waiting on her divine revelation to find that out. I expect that she’ll get back to me soon enough about that. In the meantime, though, let people know how they can get in touch with me about donating a building, building materials, labor, beer, wine, whiskey, goats, dogs, sheep, MONEY – emphasize money, OK? – or whatever else they want to donate. Danu turns nothing away.
So, Decanus Picto has started The First Church of Danu of Latter Day Pagans, and is looking for contributions to this (hopefully, in the distant future) flourishing organization. If you wish to make a donation, email email@example.com! In the meantime, we will all anxiously await The Divine Revelation of Danu!
Check back for updates!!!!!!!!!!