The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – As very very VERY few of you will recall, The Shadow has recently left the Earth and the Milky Way for the Triangulum Galaxy and an otherwise unknown planet which, in an extraordinary burst of creativity, he dubbed New Earth. As you also probably do not recall, The Shadow is the only intelligent creature on that whole planet, but even so he has declined to bring anyone with him, and plans to live the rest of his life there in complete isolation. However, just before leaving, he promised to write to those of us who are not sophisticated enough to build a Shadowtronic Suck Drive and fly out of here before Quetzalcoatl comes back and busts the Earth’s bitch ass. This afternoon he kept that promise, and wrote me an email. And then he wrote me another, and another, and another.
The Triangulum Nebula, where The Shadow is hanging out on his own little Kashyyk, rollin’ all Gigantopithecus-style. Which just means in the woods.
The first email, which came from his normal address, TheShadow@TriangulumGalaxyGirls.com, is as follows:
____________________________________________________________________________________
From: TheShadow@TriangulumGalaxyGirls.com
Subject: Are you dead yet?
Date: July 22, 2011 4:43:41 PM EDT
To: fatkid@bluezer0.net
___________________________________________________________________________________
Sup, fucker?
So, I got here, and everything is cool. I dropped a string of satellites along the way like I said I was going to, they're all online, and I finally got my internet set up just now. The only problem is that the cable outlet is in the wall right by the window, so there’s a lot of sun. I should have planned better. But the location is great. I picked a spot in the forest that’s sort over overlooking a little glen on one side, and then there’s like a hill on the other side, so it’s like there are two different perspectives on the two different sides of my Earthship, which is awesome. I’mna take pictures as soon as I can find my camera. And, uh. . . everything is moved in. I brought like a palette of CDs and a palette of DVDs with me, and I have my DVD player and stereo all set up, so here I am. Life is good. I’mna have a beer and watch The Sopranos on DVD. And then I guess I’ll. . . eat lunch or something. I know it’s like dinner time where you all are, but there’s a time difference. And then I’ll find something to do. Whatever. So, you know, let me know when your planet implodes. Ha!
TS
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: TheShadow@TriangulumGalaxyGirls.com
Subject: Ramistan, bitches!
Date: July 22, 2011 5:46:03 PM EDT
To: fatkid@bluezer0.net
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What up, fat boy?
So, I just threw in this random disc of The Sopranos, and it was that episode where Tony is fucking with the shrink, the Lorraine Bracco chick, whatever her name is, and she’s saying some shrink jargon to him, and he goes, “And the gehoxtahagen is framed up by the ramistan.” Remember that one? That was fucking awesome.
Anyway, I just thought I’d relay that joke to you. It’s fucking quiet on the Triangulum front. Nothing going on. They don’t have birds here, so there aren’t even birds singing. Just quiet. And Tony fucking Soprano. What does a vongole say, huh? Ha!
So, what are you doing tonight? Anything? I’m just going to drink some beer or whatever. Anyway, don’t eat too much, fatty.
Peace!
TS
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: TheShadow@TriangulumGalaxyGirls.com
Subject: My camera, motherfucker.
Date: July 22, 2011 5:59:50 PM EDT
To: fatkid@bluezer0.net
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Hey, man, I just wanted to know if you’ve seen my camera around. I looked, like, everywhere that I would have put it, and it isn’t anywhere. I thought it was in the box with my laptop and my wireless router, but no, it isn’t in there. Anyway, just thought I’d check. If you find it, bring it over, OK? Oh, that’s right. . . you can’t! Fucker. Have fun getting crushed.
TS
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: TheShadow@TriangulumGalaxyGirls.com
Subject: The Hobo Life
Date: July 22, 2011 6:07:22 PM EDT
To: fatkid@bluezer0.net
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Hey, I was wondering, too – I forgot to put this in my last email – if you had seen Jean the hobo. If so I have a fucking joke for him that I just stole out of this Sopranos episode. But that might not be his name. His name might be John. I forget. Or probably I never knew. I just sort of never paid attention. But if you see him, text me, and then give him your phone so I can text him.
Anyway, fuck off!
TS
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: TheShadow@TriangulumGalaxyGirls.com
Subject: Skype?
Date: July 22, 2011 6:28:02 PM EDT
To: fatkid@bluezer0.net
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Hey, man, I just wanted to tell you that I’m getting a skype account, so, you know, we can just fucking talk or something. Or rather than talking to you, maybe I can talk to one of my hobo pals. Like, maybe you could go get them from under Shadow Bridge and I could skype with them instead of you. That would probably be better. I don’t want anybody to think that I have some kind of fucking unnatural attachment to you, cause, you know, you suck. Also, fuck you, dude.
Wait. Shit. You’re nowhere near Shadow Bridge anymore are you? Cause I know you got kicked out of your place. Cause your girl be running shit. She’s like “Get the fuck out my house!” and you went waddling off. Ya puffy fucker. No wonder she ditched you. I guess she figured you sweated enough in that heat wave you people are having, that she could finally grease you through the door. Ha!
So, I mean, can you go pick up my hobo friends in your car, and then bring them to your new place? And then I can skype with them? They don’t travel well, actually, despite being hobos. They get car sick and shit. And when I say “and shit” I don’t mean that like and stuff. I mean they get car sick and then they shit. Yeah, it’s probably not a good thing for the resale value of your car. And I guess actually they aren’t really hobos. There’s no train yard anywhere around my place. I guess they’re just homeless dudes, really. I just say "hobo" because it has a more respectable connotation, you know? Like, they're not just mentally ill people that no one will take care of. It's like they're mentally ill, and no one will take care of them, but they also travel a lot on trains and shit.
Anyway… fuck. But if you see them guys or whoever, tell ‘em I said hey. If you see anybody really, tell them I, The Shadow, said hey. Anybody except you, or any of the five skinny people you ate yesterday. Ha!
TS
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: TheShadow@TriangulumGalaxyGirls.com
Subject: Hey.
Date: July 22, 2011 6:51:47 PM EDT
To: fatkid@bluezer0.net
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Hey, man. Are you online? You wanna skype? I’ll tell you my skype name, but only if you put on a wifebeater that doesn’t have sweat or gravy stains on it, OK? Ha! Fuck you. I’m not doing that shit. I’mna find another DVD to watch. Or take a walk in the woods. A walk in the woods. It’s not like I can take a walk along the Jersey City esplanade, is it? All we fucking got is fucking woods here. And fuck me it’s quiet. Maybe I should start doing sit-ups or something. Get my abs back in case there are some primate-looking things on this planet. You know, in case there are any who are down with, uh, you know. Yeah, so I’mna do some sit-ups. And listen to music. Really crank that shit. Lucky I didn’t misplace my Misfits CDs. But let me know if you’re around, OK? I’mna drink some beers really fast and do sit-ups in-between, but you can still text me, or email me. Or we can skype. You gotta put on a clean shirt, though, seriously, but we can skype. Or whatever. I wish there was someplace to walk to. Lemme know. And lemme know what you’re doing tonight. But hit me back. Just to chat.
TS
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: TheShadow@TriangulumGalaxyGirls.com
Subject: re: Hey.
Date: July 22, 2011 6:59:02 PM EDT
To: fatkid@bluezer0.net
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Are you even fucking alive? What the fuck??? Are you gonna answer my fucking email or are your giant fucking moobs in the way??? FUCK YOU!!!!!
