The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – Erstwhile BZ CEO and presidential candidate Decanus Picto claims to have been contacted recently by ancient Celtic goddess Danu, who revealed “unto” him the tenets of the church of Danu.
Decanus Picto commissioned a digital artist to recreate his vision of the goddess Danu. She’s super-fucking-hot, right? I don’t really know what her goat fetish is about, but whatever, dude. I’ll do pretty much whatever this chick says.
I visited Decanus in his Clintonville apartment this evening, where I recorded the following interview.
FK: So, I understand that you received the revelations you were waiting for.
FK: So, how did that happen? Did she speak to you in a voice that came from the sky? Did you have to climb up a mountain? I hear that happens sometimes. . .
DP: No, I was reinforcing a roof beam in the First Church of Danu of Latter Day Pagans, and I slipped off the scaffold and landed flat on my back, which was terrible.
FK: So, as you lay there in pain they just came to you?
DP: No, no. As I was recovering from that, they had me on lots of Demerol, and that was just awesome. And then one night she appeared to me. It was really late, and it was dark, and she sort of slipped into the room like a ghost. She came and stood right over my bed and looked down on me, and she was everything I’d hoped that she’d be. And I asked her to tell me what she wanted, and she revealed her will to me. As soon as I was able I wrote down everything she said, exactly as she said it.
FK: So, what is it? What is her will?
DP: Well, it’s not exactly an “it” per se. It’s a series of commandments that Danu has revealed to me, and they are, as follows:
1. I am Danu, your goddess, who kept you all from getting totally wrecked by God. So, just don’t forget that you owe me a little something, and have nobody else before me.
2. If you do have somebody else before me, just be aware that I get pretty angry, and will not let you forget it. A week later, after you think the fight has already blown over, I’ll bring it up and yell at you and be mad at you all over again for the same goddamn thing that you already got yelled at for. I know that’s totally frustrating, but that’s just how my mind works, and you’re going to have to deal with it.
3. Also, don’t talk about me to other people. Don’t get together with your friends and get all drunk and start bitching about me. What happens between you and me happens between you and me, and my name doesn’t need to come out of your mouth outside that context. And if it does, I won’t forgive you.
4. Remember that Saturday is OUR day. It’s not your day to sleep til noon, it’s not your day to watch TV all afternoon, it’s not your day to get drunk and watch baseball. On Saturday I expect you to get up reasonably early, and to be out in the forest gathering wood. I expect to see a big bonfire going by sundown, and I expect you to burn me a goat. Every week. Don’t ask me to eat leftovers – there are no leftovers from SMOKE, asshole. And don’t substitute, OK? I like goats. If you absolutely have to, you can use a sheep, but only OCCASIONALLY, and if you do it too much I will get totally pissy.
5. Honor me because if you don’t, your days just won’t go very well at all. If you want your days to be nice and pleasant in the land that I have given you by saving it from that seriously angry God who was totally going to wreck your shit, then honor me. K? Thanks.
6. Don’t kill or hurt anybody who’s nice, OK? Or anyone who didn’t really do anything. I mean, sometimes you have to stop someone from being really crazy and hurting people, and by stopping them you kill them, and that’s just how things go. That’s OK. It happens. But then people like Bin Laden or whatever, you know, just fucking kill those psychotic fuckers and get it over with. But nobody who just lives their life and doesn’t bother people, and especially no kids, and no girls. I know you fucking people just love killing girls, and making TV show after TV show about dead girls, but cut that shit out, OK? There’s nothing good about that. I don’t care that those shows are always from the cops’ perspective, it’s still creepy as fuck that all of you people are obsessed with dead chicks. Cut that right the fuck out. Seriously. Fuck Emily Prentiss, fuck Agent Hotchner, fuck Spencer Reid, and Elliot Stabler, and Olivia Benson, and all the rest of them. Quit watching dead girl shows. Jerk.
7. Totally do not fuck around on me. Things will be very bad if that happens, and I promise that you will regret it. For real.
8. Also, don’t steal anything from other people who believe in me, or that join the church of me, or that follow me on Twitter, or whatever. I mean, outsiders, you know, they kind of have their own issues to deal with, and I can’t protect everyone. But do not mess with or steal shit from other people who believe in me. So like if you’re running short on goat money, and you have to steal me a goat, for example, then just try to make sure it’s a goat that does not belong to a church member. Of course, if there is a church member who has a fucking goat and isn’t giving it to me, then that’s another fucking issue entirely because that motherfucker is in direct violation of. . . fucking. . . SOMETHING and totally needs to gimme it. But that’s just an example. If non-believing fuckfaces have something I need, you know, that’s different than if totally-believing fuckfaces have something that I don’t really care for. So, if I tell you to go somewhere, and kill everyone there, and take their land away, you gotta do that. But unless you hear from me, mostly don’t do that. K?
9. And you better not be lying to me motherfucker. If you say you couldn’t burn me a fucking goat on Saturday because your mom was sick – I mean, first of all that isn’t a valid excuse anyway, but even if it was valid, that fat bitch had better be sick or it’s your ass. Don’t even try fucking lying to me.
10. And don’t you worry about what other people have. Like, if I get a big awesome building and lots of money donated to me, and you’re living in complete and utter squalor, I still expect you to get me a goat all burned up and shit, whatever it costs. And don’t even say some stupid shit like, “You already have enough, and I don’t, so shouldn’t you give something to me instead of the other way around?” I’m not trying to hear that shit. FUCK you, is my response to that. Look, it works like this: I can do certain things that you can’t do. I can keep God from wrecking the shit out of your planet, I can answer your prayers and stuff, and I do that for you, no trouble. But your end of the bargain is my goat, and totally doing pretty much whatever I want. That’s fair, right? You get to keep living here on Earth instead of going to hell and being all fucked up by demons and shit, and I get my weekly goat, and whatever other little things I ask for. And that’s how it’s going to be, K? Great. Thanks.
FK: So, that’s a hell of a set of commandments, D to the P .
DP: Yeah, but it’s cool. She’s totally not uptight like regular Bible God or anything. You know, she’s easy to deal with. Just hook her up with a goat and she’s happy.
So, these are the tenets of the First Church of Danu of Latter Day Pagans. Goats of Franklin county beware!!!!!!!!!