The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As some of you may know, after only a couple days of staring at Sopranos DVDs and whacking off in the space woods, The Shadow went completely crazy from the boredom of living on his unpopulated planet, New Earth. You may also recall that he then started pestering me with email. Well, that situation escalated, and he wound up doing ridiculous stuff, like flying back to Old Earth in the middle of the night and trying to get me to go to Bob’s Bar with him. And of course I went. But my larger point here is that The Shadow has been having a hell of a time trying to figure out what to do with himself in the absence of people to be around/fuck with. But now he’s found a solution.

A Shadowtronic wine label from The Shadow’s natural vineyard on New Earth. It tastes just like it looks – skunky and rich, with delicate mineral notes beneath the musky sulfurous goat-in-the-rain flavor. 17 points.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As everyone knows by now, The Shadow has started a vineyard on his planet, New Earth, in the Triangulum Galaxy. However, his Vineyard has already met with a serious roadblock on the way to liquidity. And that roadblock is called poison.

The FDA has determined that New Earth wine is poisonous, fatal if swallowed, and has demanded the re-labeling of all “Vin Shadowtronique,” including the following varietals: Non Scio, Vester Genetrix, Acetosus Sauvignon, and Odio Vos.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Things have been strange around Columbus for the past three weeks. Dark figures have been seen lurking in the backyards of quiet suburban homes, and stealing past windows left open to the cool night air. And in the morning, people are waking up to find very important things missing – their dogs. It seemed unrelated that there were strange sounds issuing from the Park of Roses late at night, when the glow of the deep-woods bonfires painted High Street a dim orange. But it wasn’t.

The goddess Danu is apparently super pissed that her dietary needs aren’t being met, and is threatening to crush people’s skulls and set the entire Earth on fire if she doesn’t get a goat by next Saturday. So, you know, let’s start looking, people.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Late last night I was searching the internet for. . . completely normal things, when I happened upon the following personal ad:

Tall, fat, sweaty sasquatch-type with no income or practical training, seeks loud, selfish, alcoholic cunt to yell at him periodically and add instability to his already unstable life. Must have piercing, nasal voice, mood swings, and be completely irrational. It's best that she not speak English – Spanish or Esperanto preferred, but any incomprehensible language will do. Must be willing to travel, like vacuums, stars, trees, and isolation. No lawyers, shrinks, or cops – and if you are a cop, you gotta tell me. (Traduzca Este Artículo)

I thought this could only belong to one person (or person-like thing), so I contacted The Shadow seeking comment.

The Shadow in profile, showing off his slim-for-an-unemployed-carbo-loading-ape physique, and his pendulous moobs, which are conspicuously absent from his otherwise honest and self-deprecating personal ad.