The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – As some of you may know, after only a couple days of staring at Sopranos DVDs and whacking off in the space woods, The Shadow went completely crazy from the boredom of living on his unpopulated planet, New Earth. You may also recall that he then started pestering me with email. Well, that situation escalated, and he wound up doing ridiculous stuff, like flying back to Old Earth in the middle of the night and trying to get me to go to Bob’s Bar with him. And of course I went. But my larger point here is that The Shadow has been having a hell of a time trying to figure out what to do with himself in the absence of people to be around/fuck with. But now he’s found a solution.
A Shadowtronic wine label from The Shadow’s natural vineyard on New Earth. It tastes just like it looks – skunky and rich, with delicate mineral notes beneath the musky sulfurous goat-in-the-rain flavor. 17 points.
A day or two ago, The Shadow showed up at my new old apartment in Chateau Clintonville [Welcome back – ed.], and I recorded the following interview.
FK: So, what brings you out of the space woods and made you seek the Old Earth?
TS: Alcohol.
FK: Look, man, you know I’m completely broke. I can’t pay bar prices.
TS: No, no, look – I got a new thing going on.
FK: I told you already I’m not helping you hijack the Pabst truck. I’m not drinking that hipster piss.
TS: Hey, I got an idea – why don’t you shut the fuck up for a minute and listen. The other day I was watching that Futurama episode, “A Head in the Poles,” episode three, season two, for like the fiftieth time, and as great as Bender is, I just couldn’t sit through it again, so I went for a walk through the woods, yet a-fucking-gain. And I found liquid fucking gold.
FK: Oil?
TS: Didn’t I say at that beginning that it was fucking alcohol? Now, please continue shutting the fuck up. Anyway, I got really fucking lost, and then I came to the edge of this little fucking gulley, and I looked up and saw the biggest fucking grape vine I’ve ever even heard of in my life. I mean, it was fucking giant.
FK: So, wait, the grapes were big, or the vine was big, or the vine was big in the sense that it was extensive, or what?
TS: That’s a slightly better question, so I’ll answer it, but afterwards please confine yourself to grunts and nods while I’m talking. And it was the last thing you said – extensive. This vine runs for miles and miles, over trees, over shrubs, over bare ground, over EVERY-FUCKING-THING. Miles of grapes.
FK: Wait, wait wait. Grapes? How can there be grapes on another planet? I mean, grapes evolved here. What are the chances that the exact same plant evolved somewhere else, too?
TS: Jesus. I’m talking to my fucking self over here. Kindly plug your noise hole. But to answer your question, by way of convergent evolution. What that means is that when there are two places that are very similar, in terms of climate, soil, and so on, like Nouveau Gironde in Ramistan, on New Earth, and, well, Old Gironde in France, on Old Earth, unrelated plants and animals might evolve such that they are structurally, and even in appearance, pretty much the same. The determining factor is whether that structure and appearance is a good strategy for coping with that environment. Apparently, spreading seeds through the shit of animals that like little, juicy, round, blue fruit is as good a strategy there as here, so they evolved there just like they did here. So, this is convergent evolution, just on different planets instead of different continents. And so, yes, there are grapes on New Earth. Lots of them. And that’s fucking awesome. I don’t like grapes that much, but I do like wine. So, that’s what I’m doing with my time, now – making wine. I’m starting a vineyard. I already have labels printed up, and I ordered some bottles – that was my main reason for coming here. Now, I’m done. Any questions?
The Shadow took some pics of his “vinyard” with his cell phone. I have to admit, those do look like grape leave. . .
As you can see, the vines are extensive. But whether they’re actually grapes is another question.
The Shadow claims that all the leaves you see in this shot (save those that belong to the trees) are grape leaves, including the giant cascades of vines that are draped over the branches and stretch all the way to the ground.
And here’s the fruit itself. It’s small, and pretty pitiful, but they do look an awful lot like grapes. . .
FK: Yeah, I have some questions. Why are you buying labels and bottles? You mean you’re going to sell it?
TS: Of course I am. People – or Americans, anyway – will pay a lot of money for wine from New Earth.
FK: I think you’re losing sight of the whole reason you went to New Earth to begin with. What good is money if the whole Milky Way is going to be crushed into a singularity?
TS: Hey, why not shut the fuck up? I have to have something to fucking do with myself until you stupid asses get crushed due to your own pathetic inability to leave the galaxy.
FK: But why not do something fun?
TS: What’s more fun than getting hammered?
FK: Well, nothing. But it’s a lot of work to make wine, and transport it all the way here from New Earth. Then you have to sell it, then pay for overhead, reinvest in the business, pay taxes. You need lawyers, accountants, and so on and so on. This is a giant pain in the balls. So you’re essentially choosing to have a giant ball pain rather than just. . . I dunno. Buy some wine here. Hang out with your hobo buddies. Whatever it is that you do for fun other than drink.
TS: What are you, stunad? You don’t get it, do you? I’m actually doing something with my life. From now on, when people are desperate to get smashed on eight-dollar Non Scio, they’ll be looking for my face on the label when they scan the shelves. When sucker-ass motherfuckers go to AA, they’ll be there because of me.
FK: Um. . .yeah. That’s true. But they’ll all be dead by this time next year, so you won’t really have time to send anyone to AA.
TS: Yeah, but I can make a couple people relapse, maybe, right?
FK: Well, you’re thinking positively. That’s good. Let me ask you some other questions. Have you eaten these grapes?
TS: No, I told you already, I don’t like grapes.
FK: So you aren’t really even sure that they taste. . .
TS: Look, fucker. They’re grapes, OK? Little, round, blue fruit that grows in bunches, you understand? Or are you too stupid for that? And nobody cares what the grapes taste like anyway, or even what the wine tastes like. People are in this for the ABV. And mine’s gonna be at least 14%.
FK: Is that really what people are into wine for?
TS: That’s why they’re into eight-dollar wine, yes. That’s the strategy – you switch from beer to wine so that A) you can drink less of it and still get the same buzz, which means that nobody can bitch at you for having two glasses, when you normally would have had four beers. And B) you can invoke all this resveratrol nonsense, and pretend that that makes drinking good for you. You really don’t know anything, do you, coffin stuffer? Anyway, just tell people, sooner or later there’ll be Shadow wine out there. But tell ‘em it’ll be $8.95. That way, we can mark it down to $8, and act like that’s a sale price.
A few minutes later, The Shadow took his leave, and I was left to type this severely long article, and to harbor doubts as to whether this is at all a good idea.
