The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – Late last night I was searching the internet for. . . completely normal things, when I happened upon the following personal ad:
Tall, fat, sweaty sasquatch-type with no income or practical training, seeks loud, selfish, alcoholic cunt to yell at him periodically and add instability to his already unstable life. Must have piercing, nasal voice, mood swings, and be completely irrational. It's best that she not speak English – Spanish or Esperanto preferred, but any incomprehensible language will do. Must be willing to travel, like vacuums, stars, trees, and isolation. No lawyers, shrinks, or cops – and if you are a cop, you gotta tell me. (Traduzca Este Artículo)
I thought this could only belong to one person (or person-like thing), so I contacted The Shadow seeking comment.
The Shadow in profile, showing off his slim-for-an-unemployed-carbo-loading-ape physique, and his pendulous moobs, which are conspicuously absent from his otherwise honest and self-deprecating personal ad.
In his response, he said, “Things are kind of tumultuous on Old Earth right now. Big storms. Lawyers sniffing around everywhere. Feathered serpents returning to destroy the place. Old Earth is just not the place for me to be. But I'm starting to lose it, so I gotta have someone with me here. Maybe populate this planet with generations of little inbreds. Whatever.”
Asked why he used such frank language when trying to persuade a lady, The Shadow said, “Well, the thing about it is that I have to live with this chick forever. Quetzalcoatl’s going to destroy Old Earth, and that whole galaxy – there’ll be no getting any new chicks, and no returning old ones – so the one I select has to be perfect. Exactly what I’m after. And she can’t have any delusions about me. She’s got to see the truth right from go. So, I’m being very up-front about the whole thing.” This seems like a wise strategy.
The Shadow also asked me to post a long-form version of his personal ad here on BZ, so. . . well, here it is:
Weight: 397 Lbs.
Planet of Origin: Old Earth
Planet of Residence: New Earth
Well, I’m a sasquatch, and the stereotypes are true – I love walking in the woods, eating berries, and travelling north as the summer advances to stay where the fruit is ripest. I love lurking behind trees, scaring the dick off of hunters, and so on. I stink like sulfur and goats in the rain. I kill deer with rocks, and eat them raw. Stuff like that. But that isn’t everything – even though the stereotypes about my kind are true, you can’t reduce me to a stereotype. I have my own peculiarities. I love cheap wine, and expensive beer. I’m a builder – I’m good with my hands if you know what I mean. I love technology and physics. But I’m no pussy or nerd. I break the laws of thermodynamics all the freaking time. And, like, when I built my own flying saucer to get to my planet that I own, and that I’m going to settle by my damn self, I travelled at several times the speed of light, which regular physics dick boys claim is impossible. But it’s not. Not for me, not for people with the know how and the balls. Also, yeah, I got my own planet. You might have heard about it. It’s called New Earth. It’s located in the Triangulum Galaxy (aka M33). Good neighborhood, excellent schools. Completely unpopulated except by lower animals, and carnivorous plants. And me. I have an awesome Earthship, or I should say New Earthship, that I also built myself, and that I plan to spend the rest of my life in. You know, I'm ready to settle down.
I like a girl who isn’t afraid of unknown parasites from new planets, and who won’t throw up just because there’s zero gravity. I’m kind of looking for a girl who doesn’t speak English, but I don’t expect to have much luck finding one with an ad written in English, so I guess English is fine as long as you either don’t say too much, or have some kind of severe speech impediment so I can’t understand you. Either way is cool. I’m looking to have kids. Probably a lot of them, too, as we’ll be moving to a planet with a harsh environment, and where the healthcare system. . . leaves a lot to be desired. But that’s OK – nature is OK with a lot of people dying. Kill all you want, she’ll make more. But, you know, I’m not really tied to that whole having kids idea. I’m not that invested in the survival of humanity, if you know what I mean. Really I’m just looking for something to do for the rest of my life, which brings me to a major point – the girl I’m with has to, absolutely must have a really big, GIGANTIC rack. . . of DVDs. Or Blue Ray discs. Whatever. But the rack is really important. In fact, it may be the main thing I consider. There’s no TV here, and Hulu kind of sucks. Your selections are very limited, and it overheats my laptop so that little fan comes on and stuff, and I hate that. And after Old Earth implodes, it’ll be gone anyway. So, yeah – if you're a fearless chick, who either is or is not looking to have a catholic number of children, with a HUGE rack. . . of DVDs (or Blue Rays), who hopefully doesn't speak English, and really wants to get the fuck off Old Earth before it's gone, and who doesn't mind furry, Shaq-sized, woodland dudes, email me, and we can talk.
If you fit this profile, or know that girl with the huge rack. . . of DVDs, who cashiers down at the Cantina, email firstname.lastname@example.org for your interview and/or first date with The Shadow!