The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Some of you may recall that back in June, a BZ house band contest was announced, to determine who would hold the lusterless and unpaid position of BZ house band until the mighty Behemoth put out a new record. The contestants listed were my three favorite technical death metal bands (in no particular order), Obscura, Origin, and Psycroptic. Well, the results are in.

Behemoth’s “Ov Fire and the Void” video, from their 2009 release, Evangelion. Normally when posting in praise of the mighty Behemoth, we use the "Slaves Shall Serve" video from 2005’s stellar-as-fuck record, Demigod. But you have to move on, even from blackened death metal landmarks. And this video has a hot chick, too, so it’s a suitable replacement. Behemoth rules, and will be our house band again shortly, I’m sure, because Nergal is doing really well. And we're all relieved about that, too.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Whetstone Park – Two weeks ago, Decanus Picto and his followers in the Church of Danu displeased their goddess, who then threatened to destroy the world in a storm of what is apparently pink fire. Fortunately for us, he pulled it out in time to please the ancient Celtic goddess, but not without a stern warning about the future.

The goddess Danu, surrounded by the pink eternal fire that she intended to consume the entire world with if she didn’t get a goat by Saturday. And those look like little skulls in her hands. Apparently she killed off some children. . . whose corpses all hang headless and limp – bodies with no surprises*.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Over the past several weeks ancient Celtic goddess Danu has been threatening to kill everyone on the Earth if she doesn’t get her weekly goat. Then last week, even though she got her goat, plus several back goats, she was still in a threatening and super-pissy mood, and claimed that she was kicking ass and taking names the very next time she was forced to live through another goatless Saturday. But she didn’t deliver on that promise. This Saturday, there was something strange going on in Whetstone Park. I mean, other than the normal strange stuff.

The goddess Danu doing her Jim Morrison impression at Saturday’s goatless bonfire. Note that she is paying zero attention to Picto (not pictured).

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As many of you may recall, last week, The Shadow and Decanus Picto’s would-be girlfriend, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, were spotted together in Whetstone Park, when Danu was expected to be destroying the world. Picto, feeling abandoned, moped around the park for several days before entirely disappearing from public view into his Clintonville chateau. Since that time, however, BlueZer0 has acquired the text of a Dear Decanus letter, so to speak, that the goddess allegedly sent to him. Meanwhile, Shadu have been seen all over Columbus, O-H to the I-O.

The Shadow and Danu have been seen here, at the Motel Acyclovir, the third cheapest motel in all of Ohio. It is covered by most insurance plans, however; you should consult your insurance provider’s formulary before checking in.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Since being unceremoniously dumped by the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, Decanus Picto has once again gone batshit crazy. He wasn’t exactly sane when he was burning goats in Whetstone Park, but at least he was stable. Since Danu got rid of him, however, he has hooked up with an Ohioan cult known as The Profane Order of the Black Squirrel. This afternoon, I will take you in-depth and explain the history of this much feared sect!

The infamous and terrifying black squirrel of Clintonville! Decanus Picto belongs to a sect that believes he’s a little piece of Satan. Yes he is.