The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – As many of you may recall, last week, The Shadow and Decanus Picto’s would-be girlfriend, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, were spotted together in Whetstone Park, when Danu was expected to be destroying the world. Picto, feeling abandoned, moped around the park for several days before entirely disappearing from public view into his Clintonville chateau. Since that time, however, BlueZer0 has acquired the text of a Dear Decanus letter, so to speak, that the goddess allegedly sent to him. Meanwhile, Shadu have been seen all over Columbus, O-H to the I-O.
The Shadow and Danu have been seen here, at the Motel Acyclovir, the third cheapest motel in all of Ohio. It is covered by most insurance plans, however; you should consult your insurance provider’s formulary before checking in.
The text of the letter is as follows:
Decanus,
I’m sorry I missed your bonfire. I’m sure everyone had an excellent time breathing in your fucking road kill groundhog, and your fat fucking possum, but I’m sick of your refusal to do even the tiniest thing for me. All I ever asked was that you break a few city ordinances regarding fires in public places, and that you break a few animal cruelty laws, and that you perform several health code violations every week by a certain time, but again and again, you refused. I know what you’ll say. “It was too hard. The cops beat me up. I’m already facing prison time, what else can I do?” I know. I’ve heard all that before. But to me your always getting caught looks an awful lot like a lack of effort. If you cared for me the slightest bit, you’d have bought a truck that you could have hidden the goats in, and you’d have actually stolen goats. I know you claim that most of the time you couldn’t get any, but I know the truth. I know you just decided that you’d rather use replacements, and then put up with me being angry. That fat fuck even said so in his last article – that you gave up on goats, and that everyone was sitting around waiting for me to destroy shit. That’s what it was – it was a show to you. It was easier for you to just forget about my needs, and of course, that’s all you care about – what’s easiest for you.
Well, I met someone else. He’s taller than you, and has better hair. He also knows more about physics, and bending space-time than you do. He can fix things around the house, and he isn’t afraid to steal goats for me in broad daylight. And he’s big/ That’s right. BIG. He’s like 7’1” or 7’. When cops see him stealing goats they just run the fuck away. And that’s the kind of man I need. The kind of man who isn’t afraid to steal for me. The kind of man that cops run away from. The kind of man who can drink a half gallon of turpentine and still drive. So, this is the end. We’re through.
Danu
I went to Decanus’ chateau seeking comment on this letter or anything else, but was denied entry. However, The Shadow did respond to my request for an interview.
The Shadow, during our interview at the Motel Acyclovir. Luckily, being a forest creature, he is resistant to most parasites including deer ticks, bedbugs, and lice (Pediculus humanus capitis, Pediculus humanus corporis, the ever-popular Phthirus pubis, and even Pthirus gorillae), which is fortunate, given where he’s been sleeping.
FK: So, can you tell me what happened last Saturday night? Danu didn’t show up to destroy the world, and they say she was seen in the woods with you.
TS: Yeah, we met in the park, and walked around a bit.
FK: Yeah, you were seen by that old, drunk telemarketer.
TS: I get the feeling she wanted that, to try to get a reaction out of Decanus.
FK: Did she get one?
TS: Not much of one, but the one that she wanted.
FK: So, you were just hanging around in the park? And what are you doing back on Old Earth?
TS: Well, she responded to my personal ad, so we exchanged a few emails, talked on the phone a bit, and then she said she wanted to meet me here. I asked where, she said the park. I knew it was a gambit, but whatever.
FK: So, is she serious about you, or are you the comeback kid?
TS: I dunno.
FK: Are you serious about her? Like, do you want to take her to New Earth with you?
TS: Sure. I guess.
FK: You don’t sound very serious.
TS: Well, I mean, we like each other, and we have a good time, but we’re too different for this to work in a serious way. I mean, I’m mortal, she’s immortal; I’m alive, and she’s not exactly dead, but she’s certainly not alive.
FK: And that’s a problem?
TS: Let’s put it this way: I like women who have bodies.
FK: Yeah. . . what are the mechanics of this like?
TS: Let’s not get into that.
FK: Right. So, Decanus won’t talk to the media about this. What’s going on with him? Did Danu really write that letter?
TS: Sure did. And Decanus has gone batshit again. If you recall, the only reason he started that church to begin with is that the prophecy written inside that saucer claims that he is going to be killed before the end of the world in 2012, and he got so scared he started grasping at weird beliefs. And now that his latest crutch has been kicked out from under him, he’s off again to the next thing.
FK: So, you seem to be confirming that. . . Danu didn’t actually step in the way Decanus claimed she did?
TS: Of course not. You know she didn’t. God doesn’t deal with lesser deities. That’s why he proscribed contact with them.
FK: Well, what’s he doing now?
TS: He’s got himself hooked up with an ancient order in North Columbus. The Order of the Black Squirrels. You ought to check into that.
FK: I will.
And I will indeed. Next week, I will have an exposé on The Order of the Black Squirrels, a.k.a. The Black Squirrels of Cornhenge!!!!!!!!!
Check back for updates!!!!!!!!! And Fear the Squirrel!!!!!!!!!!
