The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – Some of you may recall that back in June, a BZ house band contest was announced, to determine who would hold the lusterless and unpaid position of BZ house band until the mighty Behemoth put out a new record. The contestants listed were my three favorite technical death metal bands (in no particular order), Obscura, Origin, and Psycroptic. Well, the results are in.
Behemoth’s “Ov Fire and the Void” video, from their 2009 release, Evangelion. Normally when posting in praise of the mighty Behemoth, we use the "Slaves Shall Serve" video from 2005’s stellar-as-fuck record, Demigod. But you have to move on, even from blackened death metal landmarks. And this video has a hot chick, too, so it’s a suitable replacement. Behemoth rules, and will be our house band again shortly, I’m sure, because Nergal is doing really well. And we're all relieved about that, too.
Sort of. That is, there weren’t really very many results. One of the emails I got was in Polish. I’m sure it said something about Behemoth and/or Vader, and/or Decapitated, but I don’t actually speak or read or know anything at all about the Polish language other than that it looks difficult to pronounce, so there’s no usable vote there. The other emails were mainly from bitchy metal fans who wanted to argue genre issues (and other stuff – metal guys like to argue details) with me. A representative email read:
Dear Sir,
HEY SHITHEAD OROGIN ARETN’ TECH DETH THEIR GRINDCORE AND FUK YOU CUZKANSAS RULZ!!!!11!!1!!1!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Sir Willups Brightslysmore, MP, FRS
Bury St. Edmunds,
Suffolk
PS Free Billup!
PPS Animal Husband is a dead man.
Other emails asked stupid questions like, “Why are you replacing a Polish blackened death metal band with a bunch of technical death metal bands? Why not just use Vader, or at least make the contest between other blackened death metal bands, like Goatwhore and. . .” blah blah blah. The point here is: no votes.
So, as there are no usable votes, and as Behemoth are already almost back on their feet, I am unilaterally selecting Swedish melodic black metal (genre arguments will not elicit a response) band, Naglfar, just CUZNAGILFR RULZ!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!1!!1!
And now the contest is over, and you all can quit thinking about it – I know it was keeping you up at night. Just go back to sleep.
