The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – At least two of you read last week’s article on The Profane Order of the Black Squirrel, and I know both of you are excited to read this week’s interview with former BZ CEO, POTUS Candidate, and consort of Danu, Decanus Picto. This week I caught up with Picto at the Enslaved show on Saturday night at Outland Live. Picto appeared in full corpse paint, and was stationed at the door, handing out pamphlets about The Profane Order of the Black Squirrel. I interviewed him there between his interactions with other militant Satanists. A cobbled-together transcript follows.

Picto, in full Black Squirrel corpse paint, gives a slightly altered Steve Dallas-style secret devil sign while making his metal face. Strange as it may seem, this looked totally normal in the context of the Enslaved show.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last week Decanus Picto said some pretty fierce things about The Shadow and his new girlfriend, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu. In particular, he said that he hoped that The Shadow would go back to New Earth, where he had previously relocated, partly in an effort to avoid prosecution, and partly to avoid the utter destruction predicted by pictograms found inside a flying saucer. This week, things have taken a turn for the worse for Picto, as The Shadow has done exactly the opposite.

Picto with his illegally modified AR-15 anti-Christian assault rifle, which can also apparently be used for killing the fuck out of Sasquatches.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Dublin – In a famously fucktarded place like Central Ohio, where things like concrete statues of corn are considered acceptable, it seems likely that many strange events will occur. And, in fact, history says they do. For instance, in 1966 several police officers followed a UFO from Portage county Ohio all the way into Pennsylvania, which is just crazy – why the dick would anyone go to Pennsylvania? But those wacky Ohioans [allegedly] did just that, and only the black squirrels know why. Well, this past Saturday night, while the rest of you were drinking alone, there was a similarly strange event – Decanus Picto was at Dublin’s famous Cornhenge monument, raising the dead.

This pic of the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device was taken this weekend at Cornhenge after Decanus raised its spirit from the other world. Since that time, Decanus has been hailed as the best psychic medium in history because he is the first medium ever to actually contact the spirit of a dead person. Or device. Or whatever the BAGD is. Also, there are “orbs” in this picture. Which, if you talk with people who claim to be ghosthunters, they pretend that means something all spooky or whatever. (It doesn’t, though.)

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As all you Danu worshippers out there know, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu left former BZ CEO, POTUS, and space music artist Decanus Picto for the Shadow, forming the media darling celebrity couple, Shadu. However, other than this quickly thrown together interview, we never really heard the story of their meeting, falling in love, or moving into the woods of north Clintonville together to await the [real] apocalypse. So here, for the first time is the story of the new couple, in their own words.

Decanus Picto provided us with this pic (taken by black squirrel spies) of the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, pissing in the north Clintonville woods. Because that’s where she lives now, in the woods with The Shadow and the black squirrels, and Picto probably stalking them. Which seems pretty wrong. And yes, it’s totally snowing here, even though it’s only October. What? It’s cold in Ohio.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Contrary to popular belief, Columbus is not a backwater filled with tobacco-chewing rednecks. I mean, it is in Ohio, so there are many tobacco-chewing rednecks here, but there are also those of us who wear clean shirts, and have more than eight teeth, and own toothbrushes, and so on. And those of us who fall into this latter category occasionally try to create little oases of cultural activity here and there – usually on nights when there aren’t any barn dances or hay rides (so, about ten or fifteen times per year). Because of this cultural activity, and because of the availability of camera equipment in this fully digital age, new business opportunities have opened up in the fields of videography and production right here in Columbus. For instance, several weeks ago, Immolation’s bus broke down on 71 North, and to kill time the NYC death metal vets played a show at Alrosa Villa – the Columbus bar with the second largest beer selection (because they have Bud Light, too). I was fortunate enough to be at that show, and while I was watching them wreck shit, I thought to myself, This is a perfect opportunity. I should start a company to film things like this. And I did. However, some other people had the same idea, and now a war has broken out for market dominance in the field of videography in Columbus. And it’s a war I intend to win.

A video by rival Ohio production company, Zombie Tapdance Productions. While it is clear, and sounds good, it is also un-Ohioan, and therefore un-American.