DP: There is no such thing as a goddess. She’s just a minor deity, more like a daemon or night spirit. And The Shadow was never my friend. He was never anybody’s friend, if you recall. Just an employee. And anyway, I’m not interested in psychic vampires like them. Danu was holding me back, preventing me from fully developing my abilities and talents. Now I’m out there living for myself, and serving the great and powerful master, He Who Walks Upon the Trees. I’m a fuller, more powerful, and therefore better person now.

FK: So, you’re not pissed off at them at all?

DP: Fuck The Shadow. Like I said, no one ever liked him. And as for Danu, He Who Walks Upon the Trees has a devil put aside for her. She will be tormented for eternity when the fragments of He Who Walks Upon the Trees are reunited. Fear the squirrel!

FK: I see. So you do feel rather strongly on that topic.

DP: No. I’m simply stating the fact. Nobody cares what happens to The Shadow. Let’s just hope he gets the fuck out of my park and goes back to his bitch planet and chokes on some poisonous wine-looking industrial solvent, and Danu will be tormented forever by her own separate devil. These are facts.

FK: Um. . . OK. Let’s talk about something else. What about the End of the World [EoW]? Is that coming sooner or later, now? And are you still subject to the saucer prophecy that indicates that you will be assassinated very shortly?

DP: He Who Walks Upon the Trees has a vested interest in this earth, and he will not let the world end until he is ready. And his reign will last ten thousand years after his fragments reunite in the form of a giant black squirrel, so until that happens, and the ten thousand years of darkness pass, the world will not end. Quetzalcoatl can come back if he likes, but he’ll only catch an epic beat down from He Who Walks Upon the Trees. His Reign of Darkness will not be cut short.

FK: His reign of darkness? Is that what you guys are calling it?

DP: Yes, but “his” needs to be capitalized, and “of” needs to be spelled with a V instead of an F.

FK: . . . huh?

DP: You heard me.

FK: OK. Any special reason for the V?

DP: That’s how we spell shit. Partly phonetically, but the rest ov the way normal. It’s more Satanic that way.

FK: How does that make it more Satanic?

DP: Ask Nergal.

FK: OK. I’ll do that. But for right now, can I ask what the deal is with the pamphlets?

DP: I’m recruiting members for The Profane Order ov the Black Squirrel.

FK: I see. Are there enrollment problems, like you had with The First Church ov Danu ov Latter Day Pagans?

DP: Not exactly. Things are pretty good with us. The Black Squirrel has many devotees, but if we plan to win the coming war, then we need as many soldiers, as many Einherjars, if you will, as we can possibly get a hold ov. We want to win by a wide margin, to make it look extra scary to our Christian enemies, and scare the dick ovv them for the rest of existence. So, you know, we all have a certain quota per month, we each have to get a certain number ov recruits to the Order every month.

FK: Or what?

DP: Or they make us do push-ups. It fucking sucks, dude. But I’m totally going to hit quota this month.

FK: I see. I know you haven’t had any luck since I’ve been standing here. What about before that? Any recruits?

DP: No.

FK: What is your quota.

DP: One. But then it goes up as you get better.

FK: So, how many ov you are there total right now?

DP: Forty-seven, not including me.

FK: You should lie and tell people sixty-six. That’s a metaller number than forty-eight.

DP: No it’s not. You’d have to have six hundred and sixty-six for it to be a metal number.

FK: I mean, not really. People will get it with just the two digits.

DP: You think so?

FK: Oh, yeah. Tell them that you have sixty-six members right now. The organization will sound bigger, and more Satanic that way.

DP: What are you, Nergal, now? You don’t get to just decide what’s metal, and what isn’t. Only Nergal, and He Who Walks Upon the Trees get to decide what’s motherfucking metal!

FK: OK, man. OK. It’s cool. I’m just trying to save you some push-ups, that’s all. So, what do you guys do all day? I mean, I’ve never been in a Satanic cult. Do you guys just sit around making metal faces, or, like, do you go out and kill shit, or burn goats like you did for Danu or what?

DP: We don’t do anything like what we did for Danu. He Who Walks Upon the Trees is totally not fucking insane. I mean, he is, but in a way that allows him to respect and appreciate his minions. We do occasionally have to sacrifice a goat, and yes it is on a bonfire, which seems the same to outsider dumb-fucks like yourself, but if you really know what you’re doing, know the ins and outs of goat burning, you can tell that what we’re doing is different. There’s just a whole different vibe.

FK: How is it different?

DP: You wouldn’t understand. It’s just that there’s this air of reverence attached to it in a way that’s different from with that insanely demanding cunt, Danu.

FK: Reverence makes it different? I thought you were sacrificing in order to worship Danu. Isn’t that the same thing?

DP: No, I told you you wouldn’t be able to understand because you’re a dumb-fuck outsider. It’s different.

FK: OK. And you said it’s only occasional, right? So, that probably makes it better, then, right?

DP: Sort ov.

FK: Well, how often is “occasionally”?

DP: Well, I mean. . . it’s. . . you know. . .

FK: You’re going to tell me it’s every Saturday, aren't you?

DP: Yeah, but it’s not the fucking same! He Who Walks Upon the Trees appreciates us for who we are, and lets us be ourselves. We just have to sacrifice these goats, and that’s pretty much it.

FK: Other than spending all the rest ov your time recruiting people, which if you fail to do it you then have to do push-ups.

DP: Fuck you!

FK: And does he threaten to destroy everything and bring on the apocalypse if you don’t manage to get a goat?