It seems that Picto has been frustrated of late with all of the prophecies reported on by BlueZer0 – if you recall, there are four:

1. The Mayan prediction that was redoubled when it was discovered in a more explicit form, carved into metal inside a flying saucer. This particular version of the apocalyptic prophecy also says that Decanus will be assassinated before the apocalypse, which is widely believed to be the cause of his batshit craziness, and his defection to the camp of Danu.

2. The prophecy of the ancient Celtic goddess Danu who claimed that she would end the world herself if she didn’t get her goat on time every Saturday.

3. The prophecy ov The Profane Order ov the Black Squirrel, which predicts that when the fragmented parts of Satan, which take the form of black squirrels, are re-united into one big-ass black squirrel, Satan will rise up and start an apocalyptic war against God.

4. Just the general likelihood that we’ll fucking kill ourselves either through war or by rendering the planet uninhabitable or whatever.

Because of this surfeit of theories, each of which seems about as likely as the other three, Decanus turned to the ancient art of Necromancy in order to try to get a straight answer from his former employee, the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device (BAGD).

Decanus Picto showed up at Cornhenge with this weird sword thing, in his super-Satanic pimpmobile, on Saturday as he prepared to raise the spirit of the BAGD.

For those of you who do not recall, the BAGD has a long history with BlueZer0. It came to Ohio with the rest of the BZ office during the Great Migration of 2007. It later became a member of Picto’s backing band The Biaviians, and committed suicide shortly after a delusional Picto dissolved the group. No one really cared about it until it was dead, but after its suicide was announced by the legitimate media there was an overwhelming outpouring of public support.

“I thought the BAGD might be able to give me a straight answer about when the world is going to end since it’s not getting information from a third party. It is already on the other side itself, so it could give me direct information,” Picto said. “Plus, it’s got past experience dealing with sacred prophecies, texts, and so on.” Decanus is here referring to the BAGD’s 2008 video series, in which it read from sacred texts, including The Lesser Babylonian Book of Importantness, and The Bible II’s famous Book of Jarob. Unfortunately, the show was cancelled after only four episodes.

Picto reportedly spent six hours at the monument, using Satanic rituals, as well as ancient spells associated with the seven spirits of Earth, oceans, air, night, mountains, winds, and stars. According to witnesses at the scene, however, it was not a Satanic spell, but rather this Anglo-Swiss spell from the 19th century that finally forced the shade of the Device to rise:

Mysterious Agency!
Ye spirit of the unbounded Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device,
Whom I have sought in darkness and in light!
Ye, who do compass earth about, and dwell
In subtler essence! ye, to whom the tops
Of mountains inaccessible are haunts,
And earth's and ocean's caves familiar things--
I call upon ye by the written charm
Which gives me power upon you-- Rise! appear!
Now by the voice of him
Who is the first among you; by this sign,
Which makes you tremble; by the claims of him
Who is undying, Rise! appear! Appear!
Ye shall not thus elude me: by a power,
Deeper than all yet urged, a tyrant-spell,
Which had its birthplace in a star condemn'd,
The burning wreck of a demolish'd world,
A wandering hell in the eternal space;
By the strong curse which is upon my soul,
The thought which is within me and around me,
I do compel ye to my will. Appear!

At this point the Device was risen, and Picto spoke with it in hushed tones for quite a while before it faded out of view. It is believed that Picto used a digital voice recorder to record the conversation. While we do not yet know what the device said, we do know that Picto has angered the Grand Council of The Profane Order ov the Black Squirrel, who insisted that he use only pre-approved Satanic conjurations to invoke spirits of the dead. The Council have since reiterated this position, claiming that Picto accepted these terms when he entered the Order.

Picto, however, has chafed against the Order’s attempt to control his use of magic. “If the Order’s pre-approved conjurations don’t work, then why should I limit myself to using them? There are clearly better conjurations out there,” he told BlueZer0. “The Anglo-Swiss spell that I used has been shown to be 90% successful in raising the Seven Spirits, the Witch of the Alps, Astarte, Vincent Schiavelli, the Satanic Pope-looking guy from Ghost, and the Ghostface Killah. But when you use the Order’s procedures, all you get is background noise and that stupid sound that squirrels make when they’re chewing on something. You know that sound? I fucking hate that sound.” There has as yet been no word on whether The Profane Order ov the Black Squirrel will impose sanctions on Picto, but this internal rift has made outside observers question the stability of the Order and its future.