The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville – As all you Danu worshippers out there know, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu left former BZ CEO, POTUS, and space music artist Decanus Picto for the Shadow, forming the media darling celebrity couple, Shadu. However, other than this quickly thrown together interview, we never really heard the story of their meeting, falling in love, or moving into the woods of north Clintonville together to await the [real] apocalypse. So here, for the first time is the story of the new couple, in their own words.
Decanus Picto provided us with this pic (taken by black squirrel spies) of the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, pissing in the north Clintonville woods. Because that’s where she lives now, in the woods with The Shadow and the black squirrels, and Picto probably stalking them. Which seems pretty wrong. And yes, it’s totally snowing here, even though it’s only October. What? It’s cold in Ohio.
I recorded this interview at the couple’s home, which is nowhere in particular. They just kind of live in the woods and sleep wherever, sasquatch-style. Which is weird, but. . . whatever.
FK: So, tell us about how you guys met. I mean, I know you said that she responded to your personal ad, but tell us what happened.
TS: Well, at that time I was just looking basically for some chick to be quiet, you know. Or, she didn’t have to be quiet, but just to speak some other language so I didn’t have to care what she said. But I wasn’t getting a lot of responses. You know, that ad was internet-only, and was in English. And, you know, English-speaking women, they’re not real good at being quiet, and they’re always like, “Don’t hit me,” and stuff. You know, they always have a list of demands. We had it translated into Spanish, but even so, the type of girl I was looking for wasn’t likely to be able to read. I was steady hitting on the girl who cashiers at the cantina, but she wasn’t having it. She kept saying shit like pechos demasiado grandes, and demasiado pelo, whatever the fuck that means. But whatever she was actually saying, it really just meant “no” because she wouldn’t come home with me. So, I was about to give up and go back to New Earth when I got Danu’s email.
FK: What’d it say?
TS: Nothing. I dunno. Just something simple like, “You wanna meet me somewhere?” And I thought she just wanted to fuck me to mess with Picto, that she just wanted to use me to piss him off or whatever.
FK: So you didn’t respond?
TS: Of course I responded. You can use me, that’s cool. I mean, not you, fat ass, but like pretty girls, if they just want to use me, I’m OK with that. If you’re pretty and female, you can take liberties with me.
FK: I see. So, she came to meet you in the woods?
TS: Yeah, that’s where she said she wanted to meet me, by this area that’s pretty conspicuous if you’re standing right by where Picto used to have his bonfires. But we almost didn’t meet. She was hella late, and I thought she wasn’t going to show, so I just went about my business. Goddesses are finicky like that. They can’t just fuck anybody – they have to be careful about their dignity. So, I had some stuff to do, so I just went ahead wit that.
FK: What exactly was it you had to do?
TS: Uh, kill something.
FK: Why?
TS: Cause I was hungry.
FK: I see. Hunting.
TS: If you wanna call it that.
FK: So, you have like a rifle, or a shotgun or something?
TS: What do I look like, a pussy? My people don’t use guns. We just use big-ass rocks, like your people would if they weren’t pussies. Rocks, man. You get a giant rock, bust a deer in its head, and you’re good for like a week.
FK: I’ve never heard of sasquatches eating deer before.
TS: Yeah, but you’re an empty-headed fucktard who’s never heard of anything worthwhile at all except me. And Goatwhore. I know you’ve heard of them, and they’re awesome. But other than me and Goatwhore you’ve never heard of anything good.
FK: Why haven’t we heard anything about this before?
TS: It’s an Ohio thing. The sasquatches in Ohio eat deer. I picked it up from the locals. You know, when in Rome, and so on.
FK: OK, whatever. Anyway, how did you get involved with this, Danu?
Danu: Well, I actually showed up in Ohio of two minds. First, I was going to forget about meeting with Shadow. I wanted to kill Picto and his incompetent fucks first, and then I figured I’d be kind of sweaty and unhappy or whatever. Not in any state to meet someone new, so I just figured I’d kill Picto, rain down pink fire on the whole planet, and then leave. But then I got there, and I saw Picto, and fuck. I mean, he looked stupid in that get-up. And I want to be clear about that – I didn’t tell that motherfucker to wear that fucking thing. I didn’t say anything about wearing robes or anything, he did that stupid shit all by himself. Anyway, there Picto was looking like a moron in his robe, burning possums and groundhogs, and it was making me sick, and he was too pathetic to rain fire down on, so I just sort of wandered off.
FK: To meet The Shadow?
Danu: No, not really. It was late, and I thought he must have left. I wasn’t interested anymore anyway, so I just wandered off through the woods. It’s not easy to do that in heels, but whatever. So, I came up over this hill right by the river, and there was this beautiful deer there, drinking out of the stream. It was a girl deer – what do they call those? – like one without any horns or whatever, and it was so pretty with it’s big black eyes. It took a drink out of the river, and then it turned its head and looked right directly at me. And then it got smashed all to shit by this giant rock. It was fucking awesome.
FK: OK. So. . . can you explain a little?
A file photo of The Shadow, preparing to kill something with a big fucking rock. His uncanny ability to kill shit with big fucking rocks is what attracted his new girlfriend, Danu, to him.
Danu: What the fuck is there to explain? I was looking at this beautiful animal, and then The Shadow threw a giant rock out of the woods and smashed it to shit, and there was blood everywhere, and it was still twitching a little bit. It was almost like it was still alive, even though its head was covered by like a quarter ton of granite. It was like, I was seeing a whole new way of destroying shit that I never even thought of before. I always use fire when I destroy shit, so destroying shit with rocks was like brand new to me.
TS: Yeah, when I showed her how to kill stuff with rocks, you should have seen her. She was all excited, like a little girl.
Danu: Shut up, please. This is my part of the interview, so be very very quiet, OK honey?
TS: Sorry.
Danu: ANYway, so then he comes out of the woods to get the deer, and I’m like, “Who is THAT motherfucker?” So, it turns out it was him.
FK: So, then you two started dating?
Danu: No, we pretty much just killed shit for a while. I mean, first we ate his deer. He ripped the legs off and gave them to me, and it was really romantic with all the blood and stuff. You know, it was like all red and dripping in the moonlight – all the clichés about how pretty blood is at night.
FK: And that’s how you switched from goats? You know, because you used to get real mad if you didn’t have a goat.
Danu: Yeah, I am soooo over goats. I mean they fucking stink. Deer actually kinda stink too, but killing them with rocks is sooooooo awesome.
FK: I see. So, then you guys ate your deer, and then. . . killed some more deer?
Danu: Yeah. We did that for a while, and then we ran out of shit to kill, so we started destroying shit that wasn’t alive, which is almost as good. And then when we got a little tired of that, we went to the bonfire, or what was left of it, and that’s where that dude saw us together. But then that night, we went back out into the woods and just fucked shit up for a long time.
FK: And then you started dating?
Danu: We pretty much just went right from killing shit with giant rocks, to destroying non-living shit with giant rocks, to fucking. I mean, that’s pretty much the basis of our relationship – killing and destroying, and fucking.
FK: I see. So, let me ask you, what exactly is it that you get out of killing shit with rocks?
Danu: Are you stupid? [Turning to The Shadow] Honey, your friend is stupid. When you kill shit with rocks, then you GET TO KILL SHIT WITH ROCKS. Isn’t that enough?
FK: I just mean, you have other options. Why are rocks better weapons than, say, pink fire?
Danu: Well, don’t get me wrong – pink fire is awesome, and I’ll never lose my love for pink fire. But it’s so. . . I don’t know, civilized, I guess. It’s like, I’m trying to kill shit, not decorate a room. Plus, rocks make such awesome sounds when you destroy shit with them. Like, fire does, too, sort of. But it’s all the same – crackle, crackle, crackle, and if there are little bitch-ass people in there – please, please help us, save us, blah blah blah. I’m so BORED of that. Big fucking rocks smash together and make this giant fucking thunder sound, and there isn’t any stupid begging or whining, cause stuff is too dead to do that. And when you destroy things with rocks they splinter apart – they almost explode.
FK: Um. . . do you recommend it to other people?
Danu: First of all, fucktard, I’m not a person, I’m a goddess, so fuck you. Only a person could recommend it to other people. Second, no. You can’t kill shit with the kind of little stupid rocks like you or some other stupid fat person could lift. You have to use big gigantic heavy rocks that only beings who are much better than you could lift. Big honkin’ chunks of granite that’ll flatten a bus, you know? And then you throw it at shit. Pure 100% awesome, right?
FK: Uh, yeah. It sounds like it’s. . . really something.
Danu: Absolutely. Fucking fire and rocks and shit, and fucking killing!!!!!! Come on, let’s go!!!
At this point Danu and The Shadow ran off into the woods, presumably to do their thing with big rocks. But I did not hang around to find out.
