The Shadow reporting. . .
Clintonville – After last week’s thrilling article detailing the haunting of Chateau Clintonville, the whole world has been waiting for this Sunday to come, desperate to hear what news from beyond. And I, Shadow Humperdink Esq., have delivered. I have conducted a séance in the basement of the Chateau, during the course of which I contacted the device, and learned many dark secrets of Clintonville, and the underworld.
The Shadow captured this picture of the BAGD’s ghost last week, and I felt like it wasn’t prominent enough in that article, so look again. Ooooooooooooo!
I chose to conduct my séance on the basement level because it is well known that the laundry room is the most evil room in the Chateau. Being the only room common to all residents, it has seen the most conflict between them, the greatest volume of human tragedy, and the most death. Also, there’s a table where we could set up our stuff.
The laundry room where, as you stare into the black void of the dryers, they also stare back into you.
Because of a jump in EMF levels I could tell someone was with us. Though I tried to get the nightspirit to actually speak, it refused. However, I was able to make contact with it through a Ouija board. The following is a transcript of the questions put to the board and the answers we received.
TS: Is there anyone here in this laundry room with us?
OB: Yes.
TS: Are you the spirit of the BAGD?
OB: No.
TS: Could you put it on please?
OB: It’s not here right now. Can I take a message?
TS: Well, maybe you could help me. Whose spirit are you?
OB: [No answer]
TS: Why are you here?
OB: Warning.
TS: About what? Quetzalcoatl?
OB: No.
TS: Is it about 2012, or the end of the world in general?
OB: No.
TS: Then what?
OB: Vengeful spirits.
TS: Whose spirit?
OB: There are many.
TS: There are many spirits here in the Chateau?
OB: Yes.
TS: Are you trying to warn us about them all?
OB: Yes.
TS: Whose spirits are they?
OB: Many. All dead. All dead. All dead. All dead.
TS: Is the BAGD one of them?
OB: Yes. Dead.
TS: What does it want?
OB: Death. Revenge.
TS: Who do they want revenge against?
OB: You. Fatso. Decanus.
TS: So, everyone who is, or was, associated with BlueZer0?
OB: Yes. Revenge.
TS: For what?
OB: Many things.
TS: What did we do?
OB: Many things.
TS: Who else is there, other than the BAGD?
OB: GW.
TS: George Washington? George Willard? Winesburg isn’t anywhere near here.
OB: Clorox.
TS: Gabby Whitman, The Oracle of Clorox?
OB: Yes.
TS: Who else?
OB: GD.
TS: Gary Doe?
OB: Yes.
TS: What did we do to them?
OB: Rings.
TS: Rings? Oh, that’s Gary’s problem, huh?
OB: Si.
TS: What about the Oracle? What’d we do to him?
OB: Clothes overnight.
TS: One of us left clothes in the dryer over night?
OB: Yes. Filter clogged with hair.
TS: Yeah, that’d be me. What about the BAGD? What the hell is that thing’s problem?
OB: Workplace discrimination.
TS: What?
OB: [No answer]
TS: I’ll have to look into that further. Anyway, where are they? Are they here now?
OB: No. Fatso.
At that moment, screaming was heard upstairs. After running up, we found The Fat Kid on the floor, catatonic again. When we returned to the Ouija board, it would only say one word: Insane.
These cryptic messages from the Ouija board, and the mysterious spirit behind it are interestingly incoherent. Gabby Whitman, The Oracle of Clorox, was a resident who died here in 2008. Whitman was a crotchety old dude who was always pissing and moaning about the dryers. However, he also had lived in one or another of the Chateaux on and off since the 60s, and told many mysterious stories about the history of the Clintonville Chateaux and their residents. Gary Doe, of course, was our most irritating resident, who blasted Bluegrass music early Saturday mornings. Doe eventually stabbed and shot himself to death after so much self-torture. However, he always had his panties in a bunch over his Duster. Doe had a (roughly) 1970 Plymouth Duster that was always in the back parking lot, seemingly immobile, and we frequently used it as a table. Needless to say, we had no coasters, so we were always leaving rings of condensation on the hood of the car after staff meetings.
The BAGD’s beef, however, is somewhat more mysterious. I don’t remember any instances of workplace discrimination to speak of. I will speak with Fatty and Decanus to see whether they remember anything, but with Decanus insane and worshipping squirrels, and The Fat Kid in and out of consciousness, I cannot guarantee that I’ll find anything out. I will continue trying to contact the spirits of the Chateau, however, in an effort to get more information.
For now, though, all we have is the mysterious spirit’s final word: insane. Do the spirits of the Chateau mean to drive us insane?
Check back for updates!!!!!
