We're taking this week off. Please come back next Sunday for our first article of 2012 aka The Year Of Doom!

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – After our Christmas day article word got out to the goddess Danu that The Shadow had carelessly referred to her as a bitch. Danu has drafted the following letter in response.

The goddess Danu is super-pissed that The Shadow called her a bitch, so she’s going to crush some random people’s skulls. It’s like bubble wrap to her.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Dublin [Ohio, not, like, the good Dublin] – Decanus Picto had been sort of missing in a weird way for quite a little while until this afternoon. That is, no one had seen or heard from Picto since he conducted a necromantic séance at Cornhenge, but we have to admit that we didn’t really look for him that hard. As a matter of fact, the only person who even said he was going to look was The asshole Shadow, after he conducted his own séance in the basement of the chateau. However, as we all know, The Shadow never resolved that situation, and instead stole our priceless Margaret James original, and then went to jail. So, I guess what I’m saying is that nobody actually looked for him, and given that, it’s kind of difficult to say he was missing, because how could you tell if someone’s missing if nobody looks or even makes a phone call? Anyway, this afternoon Picto surfaced via email, claiming that for the next two hours he was granting interviews to the press regarding the release of his second album. I dusted off the ol’ bus pass and jetted up there. Or, really, we went pretty slowly, and then I had to get a transfer to get to Dublin, and that took forever because I had to wait like forty-five minutes for the bus west from High street, and that sucked. But whatever. The point is that I got there, and recorded the following interview.

Picto, on the cover of Rockstar “magazine” kicking Satanic squirrel styles, and hocking his new record, Doomsday: An Electronic Soundtrack for the End Times. That’s an awesome title, right?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus – Since Christmas Eve The Shadow has been held at the Franklin County Correctional Facility in lieu of $80 bail for possession of a Schedule I narcotic, with intent to distribute. Though he was initially charged with selling forged artwork as well, those charges were dropped because the forgeries were so poor. However, due to a delayed hearing caused by difficulties establishing the chain of custody of the evidence in his case, there has been no sentence handed down. And due to no one liking the bitch-ass Shadow, no one has scraped together eighty dollars to get him out. So, there he sat. Until Friday.

This still frame from security camera footage recorded during The Shadow’s daring escape from the Franklin County Correctional Facility, shows his more simian side. Maybe he’s a Gigantopithecus after all.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Bogotá, Colombia – According to BlueZer0 sources, Decanus Picto, erstwhile BZ CEO and POTUS candidate-turned-Satanic squirrel-worshipping space musician, has died in Bogotá, Colombia. He was 46.

This is the Picto pic we’re using for the obit, cuz it’s the shit. Fuck you, too. I write perfectly good copy. I don’t see you writin’ nothin’, you retarded, big-mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk.* So shut up, bitch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie!