The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Dublin [Ohio, not, like, the good Dublin] – Decanus Picto had been sort of missing in a weird way for quite a little while until this afternoon. That is, no one had seen or heard from Picto since he conducted a necromantic séance at Cornhenge, but we have to admit that we didn’t really look for him that hard. As a matter of fact, the only person who even said he was going to look was The asshole Shadow, after he conducted his own séance in the basement of the chateau. However, as we all know, The Shadow never resolved that situation, and instead stole our priceless Margaret James original, and then went to jail. So, I guess what I’m saying is that nobody actually looked for him, and given that, it’s kind of difficult to say he was missing, because how could you tell if someone’s missing if nobody looks or even makes a phone call? Anyway, this afternoon Picto surfaced via email, claiming that for the next two hours he was granting interviews to the press regarding the release of his second album. I dusted off the ol’ bus pass and jetted up there. Or, really, we went pretty slowly, and then I had to get a transfer to get to Dublin, and that took forever because I had to wait like forty-five minutes for the bus west from High street, and that sucked. But whatever. The point is that I got there, and recorded the following interview.
Picto, on the cover of Rockstar “magazine” kicking Satanic squirrel styles, and hocking his new record, Doomsday: An Electronic Soundtrack for the End Times. That’s an awesome title, right?
FK: So, where did this album even come from? Who knew you were working on a new record?
DP: That’s what I was doing up here in squirrel land, on the down low. I was in the lab, creating.
FK: So, by the title, it looks like you’re still focused on the prophecy of Quetzalcoatl. Is that right?
DP: I do not fear the feathered serpent. He Who Walks Upon the Trees will be with us soon.
FK: I see. So, that one real big squirrel is coming?
DP: He Who Walks Upon the Trees is coming, if that’s what you mean. The end times are upon us, and the earthly battle between god and Satan will come soon.
FK: When will that be, exactly?
DP: Soon.
FK: Yeah, but like, when?
DP: Soon enough.
FK: But that’s not soon enough.*
DP: Yes it is.
FK: OK, this is going nowhere. Instead of pursuing this, why don’t you tell us about your new record. What’s it like?
DP: Well, people are going to be really surprised. It’s really a departure for me. It’s nothing at all like the last record, because I decided that record wasn’t brutal enough. This is my heaviest, most brutal, fucking evil record yet. But at the same time, it’s really melodic, in a heavy way, you know? It’s got sing-a-long choruses that’ll stick in your head, but at the same time it’s ultra-Satanic, and extremely harsh.
Picto’s new album cover. They could have gotten a picture or something. I mean, the guy’s name is PICTO, and for exactly the reason you think, so. . . whatever man. This whole thing is disorienting.
FK: I see. What about production?
DP: Well, you know, I hate all this Pro Tools-sounding shit, where you don’t really even know whether the guy is actually playing the riff or you’re just hearing a loop, and the drums all sound like synthetic loops, or programmed, so we went really old-school on this record. We used all analog tape to record, and there’s no synth or anything, its just me playing. And the old-schoolness really shines through. The sound is incredible. It’s like the tone of it, and just the ragged fierceness of it, reminds me of Superjoint Ritual. It’s like 100% authentic ferocity, you know? Except it’s also got this whole Scarborough Fair thing happening, you know?
FK: No.
DP: Well, it’s like imagine Glen Benton meets Art Garfunkel. That’s the way my vocals work, you know? Except it’s really mellow, and it has a lot of edge to it. You understand?
FK: Nuh uh.
DP: Well, you’re fucking dumb anyway, so it doesn’t matter what you understand.
FK: OK. Well. . . OK. But, you did say there’d be vocals on this record, is that right?
DP: Oh, yes, I finally wrote some lyrics. You know, these songs are really special, and I thought that this time around I wanted to make my message more explicit, to really get some things off my chest, and express myself, especially with reference to He Who Walks Upon the Trees, who, you know, he’s my homie.
FK: OK, so that makes sense that you finally want to get some ideas out there. I guess, then, that because you’ve had so much time to think about the lyrics, the album is probably pretty coherent. Like, it works as an organic whole?
DP: Oh, yeah, man, it’s almost a concept album. It’s like, the oneness that’ll come with The Great Squirrel, when the parts of He Who Walks Upon the Trees are re-assembled into the great soul of Satan – that oneness just sort of channeled into me, and this record is an expression of that.
FK: So. . . you sing? What does your voice sound like? Or is it like a black metal thing, like you’re screeching, or what?
DP: Well, the vocals are actually mixed really low, you know? Because we didn’t want them to overpower everything else. ‘Cause I have a really big voice, man. I mean, I know YOU know that, but I’m saying, to the readers out there, I have a really big, loud voice so I thought we’d mix the vocal track EXTREMELY low, you know? Have it really blend it with everything else that’s going on, be part of the organic whole. And it makes you really have to listen close, man. Otherwise you’ll miss the vocals completely.
FK: Are you sure that’s the way you want to go? I mean, don’t you want people to hear them?
DP: It’s art. It’s not just going to hand you the answers. The whole idea behind modern art isn’t just to look pretty or sound nice, it’s to make your brain work, to fill in gaps, make inferences – and the way the art is made is supposed to affect the inferences you make about meaning. So, yeah, definitely. This record is going to challenge listeners, get them thinking. About the Great Squirrel.
FK: Well, it seems like it’ll be really cool. Like, very different from anything of yours I’ve heard before.
DP: Definitely. Definitely. It’s like, the record as a whole, as an “album” [air quotes] is like if you crossed Deicide’s Legion, with The Smashing Pumpkins’ Adore.
FK: So. . . OK. Whatever.
DP: What’s the matter, man?
FK: I’m confused.
DP: Well, that’s ‘cause you’re fucking dumb. That’s why. Everything I said here makes perfect sense, and you’d get it if you had any idea what art is, or what an artist does. Fuck you.
FK: OK. I have no argument against that. I guess I just have to accept it. Whatever. Is it out of line to ask this: Every comparison you gave me was to either a metal or a folk-ish record. Also, you said no synth, and no programming, and it’s all old school, and analog. Does that mean you’re playing a guitar, or with a [traditional] band, or what?
DP: I play space music, jerk off. SPACE music. Don’t you get it with your tiny little brain? Space music is electronic music with lots of cool beeps and stuff. Duh. Fucking retard. These particular beeps are authentic, analog beeps from real instruments. Does that clear things up for you?
FK: But what instrument beeps like that? What is it that you do?
DP: You really are a fucktard.
FK: OK, look. . . I gotta go home and. . . put some water in your mother’s dish.
Picto’s new record, Doomsday: An Electronic Soundtrack for the End Times comes out January 17th, and you can get it from iTunes. I think. Or Amazon. Whatever.
*
Yeah, I stole that joke. So what? Fuck you. I’ve stolen other shit for this site, too, from better writers than Lewis fucking Morton. I stole Shakespeare stuff and stuck it on this site with a couple of little adaptations, Lord fucking Byron, and I stole a whole passage from Robert Louis Stevenson, too. What are you gonna do about it, douche bag? Fuck you.
