The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Columbus – Since Christmas Eve The Shadow has been held at the Franklin County Correctional Facility in lieu of $80 bail for possession of a Schedule I narcotic, with intent to distribute. Though he was initially charged with selling forged artwork as well, those charges were dropped because the forgeries were so poor. However, due to a delayed hearing caused by difficulties establishing the chain of custody of the evidence in his case, there has been no sentence handed down. And due to no one liking the bitch-ass Shadow, no one has scraped together eighty dollars to get him out. So, there he sat. Until Friday.
This still frame from security camera footage recorded during The Shadow’s daring escape from the Franklin County Correctional Facility, shows his more simian side. Maybe he’s a Gigantopithecus after all.
On Friday afternoon, it seems that the disgusting, thieving Sasquatch, who – despite what he says – snaked our priceless Margaret James original, found a way out of the facility and fled the scene on foot. During the early afternoon, the manhunt was on, and known Shadow hangouts, such as the Triad Lounge (which should be familiar to BZ readers as the location of the release party for Decanus’ first record, and the release party for The Shadow’s now-ancient classic of world literature, Bright Clouds, Dark Shadows), and Victorian Village’s famous Third Avenue Bridge, were watched carefully, but to no avail.
However, in the early evening of Saturday the 21st, as temperatures around Columbus were plummeting to a bitter 18ºF, The Shadow was spotted running through people’s backyards, jumping fences and heading vaguely Northwest – in the direction of Clintonville. Said Clintonville resident Gar Samuelson, “It looked just like one of those big squatches you see on that show Finding Bigfoot. Which is to say, I didn’t see anything.” However, Samuelson’s neighbor, Chris Poland, did see something.
“Yeah, it looked pretty much the same as that gorilla suit guy from that old-timey video,” Poland said. “You know, the one that’s all grainy and shaky and shit? It looked like that, but real real fat. And it seemed sort of out of breath, like he needed to hit the treadmill. Or like an elliptical or something. Just to build up some endurance. Wherever he was going, I hope they had a defibrillator. Cause, you know. I’d be worried.”
The Shadow was last seen cutting through the parking lot at Chateau Clintonville, and crossing High Street, heading directly West. If the police would like me to show them where The Shadow entered the woods, right behind the bus stop there, I can do that. Just email me at fatkid@bluezer0.net, and I’d be more than please to point you all in the right direction. In the meantime, I suggest that they check with the goddess Danu, whose open letter to The Shadow was probably his main inspiration for the jailbreak.
