The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Columbus – The Shadow was last seen running through people’s backyards in Clintonville. Or at least that’s where he was last seen before I dimed him out to the cops and showed them where he went into the woods in Whetstone park, and they got their dogs to track him down and subdue him. After that he was last seen in a jail cell, again awaiting an arraignment hearing in Columbus criminal court. And then finally they tried to arraign him. Tried, but failed.
The Shadow, seen here leaving court in his monkey suit. You get it? You see what I did there? Huh? Huh? Anyway, this is The Shadow, being led out of court just prior to his relocation to the woods of – you guessed it – Clintonville.
During the hearing, prosecutors contended that Shadow Humperdink was in possession of a schedule I narcotic with intent to distribute. However, The Shadow, serving as his own lawyer, mounted a spectacular defense. He began by pointing out that the prosecution could not establish chain of custody of the weed, and asked to have the evidence declared inadmissible. When the honorable Judge Adam Keefe Horovitz refused to make that declaration, The Shadow deployed his greatest rhetorical gambit to date, arguing that since he was technically not a human being he couldn’t be charged with crimes under any federal or state law.
“You can’t charge a dog or cat or goat or deer or any other animal on the Earth for any kind of crime whatsoever,” The Shadow said. “Why, then, should I, as a Sasquatch who enjoys none of the rights and privileges of humanity, be subject to fucktarded laws meant to govern only humans? Bears, cougars, and wolves kill livestock all the time, but no one tries to put them in jail. Weasels sell crank door-to-door here in the Midwest, but no one tries to put them in jail. Guinea pigs commit extortion, but no one tries to put them in jail. Every sparrow any of us has ever seen has committed wire fraud, and is guilty of insider trading, but no one tries to put them in jail – and they don’t even try to hide it, the gutsy bastards. So, how can I be charged with a crime? It’s not fair, it’s not right, it’s unconstitutional, and it shouldn’t be allowed. I should be relocated to a wooded area further away from the city. I’m not asking for special treatment – this is the same courtesy the court would extend an over-excited beaver that built a dam on Fourth Street, or a super-pissed Godzilla that destroyed a major metropolitan area. You’d take the beaver back to the river. You’d take the Godzilla back to the Pacific. So, take the Sasquatch back to the woods. It’s the only right thing to do.”
This defense stunned prosecutors who, after a brief recess, argued that because The Shadow is a sentient being who possesses the ability to speak, think, and reason, he should be considered a de facto human for legal purposes. They argued further that The Shadow does in fact enjoy all the rights and privileges of humanity, as demonstrated by the fact that he received welfare for seven years, owned a home, got a permit to build a particle collider, and has received tax returns for the past six years.
Judge Horovitz asked whether counsel could cite precedent. Assistant D.A. Lars Frederiksen cited The State of Minnesota vs. Bullwinkle J. Moose, in which case Moose was forced to surrender his entire upsidaisium mine to the state as reparations for destroying property in the cities of Upsala, Watertown, Trout Lake, and Frostbite Falls during a prolonged drunk-driving incident. Asked to respond, The Shadow maintained that he didn’t understand the charges being brought against him, and asked the court for permission to go outside and eat some bark off the sycamore in front of the courthouse. After a twenty minute recess, during which The Shadow ate an awful lot of sycamore bark, judge Horovitz gave the following ruling:
“I find that the defendant, Shadow Humperdink, Esq., cannot be charged as a person, and therefore cannot be incarcerated. He is to be relocated in a wooded area of his choice, as long as it is outside Franklin Township. However, Mr. Shadow, I also find that because you are, by your own admission, an animal, any further trouble you cause may be dealt with severely. When an animal wanders into a city and starts selling weed, the animal may be relocated. However, when an animal becomes a repeated nuisance, it may be ‘put down’ – with a rifle shot to the head. As this is not your first brush with the law, be warned.”
With that, the case was dismissed, and The Shadow was led out of court – wearing a shit-eating grin all the while. Within an hour it was decided that The Shadow would be relocated to the woods in Clinton Township – that is to say, Clintonville. He rode shotgun in the animal control truck, as they cruised up High Street to Whetstone Park.
Though The Shadow disappeared into the woods almost immediately, rumors floating around Clintonville have it that he made his way to the goddess Danu’s apartment, and after several minutes of pounding on the door and whispering into the crack, she let him in. Will the goddess take him back? Only The Shadow knows! Or, well, I guess Danu knows, too. But whatever.