Chapter 1:
There was a man in the land of New Castle County whose name was Jarob; and that man was perfect and upright, and one who feared lizards and eschewed logic. And there was born unto him a daughter. His substance also was a double wide trailer, a wiener dog, a few cats, and a girlfriend with fat titties, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men in New Castle County. And Jarob abstained from voting, and disbelieved the propaganda of newspapers, and feared only lizards. And Jarob spread the word of lizards faithfully as he had found it written in the sacred texts, and the son of God was well pleased with him in all ways. Thus did Jarob continually. Now there was a day when the fat people of New Castle County were gathered, and Jarob, coming across them, knew that it was his duty to spread the word faithfully as he had read it in the sacred texts. Thereon, he began to expound the theory of lizards, and reptilian bloodlines, pederasty amongst said lizards, blood drinking, and the ritual sacrifice of children with either blond or red hair and fair skin. Upon hearing such things the gathered fat people began to taunt Jarob, saying such things as, "You're a fucking retard, dude," and "Just because the government does shadowy shit, and Bush is turning the country into a three thousand mile wide concentration camp, doesn't mean he's a lizard. What the hell is wrong with you?" And Jarob said, "Mocked I came out of the earth, and mocked shall I return thither. The son of God giveth knowledge, and the knowing shall be mocked until proven right. Blessed be the name of the son of God."
Chapter 2:
Again there was a day when the fat people of New Castle County were gathered, and Jarob, coming across them, knew that it was his duty to spread the word faithfully as he had read it in the sacred texts, and hopefully thereby increase book sales of the son of God. And Jarob said unto the fattest of the fat people gathered, "Whence comest thou?" And the fat kid answered, "From going to and fro in the earth, and walking up and down in it." Saith Jarob, "Bullshit, fat people don't do anything they don't have to, especially walk someplace. Whence comest thou, for real?" The fattest kid laughed and said, "I comest hence from my computer desk, where I writeth satirical tracts against thee, mocking thy stupidity, and blind faith in the lizard guy who claimed to be the son of God, and prophesied falsely the destruction by tectonic catastrophe of all the Isles of Britannia, and who now expecteth us to believeth that lizards runeth the world. These I did send to a webmaster who, having laughethed hysterically, thought them fit to posteth upon his site, whereon all may readeth the witty remarks of fat people, the like of which has not been seen since the death of Voltaire. Or at least since the cancellation of Bloom County. Opus waseth a funny motherfucker, in my sight." Upon hearing this Jarob turned as red as blood, and went forth in the land saying, "Fucketh all fat people! They know not what they say." He returned to his girlfriend of the fat titties, who saith, "Dost thou doubt now the veracity of thy hero who, having imparted unto thee such knowledge as no other could understand or believe in its utter silliness, hast sold thee book upon book of nonsense? Curse thou Icke and die!"
Chapter 3:
After this opened Jarob his mouth, and cursed his day. And Jarob spake and said, "Let the day perish wherein I believed in lizards and that limey imbecile! And the night in which I said, 'There indeed are lizards.' Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let light shine upon it. Let darkness and the shadow of death stain it. And as for that night let darkness seize upon it, let it not come into the number of days. Oh, wait, it was already dark. Well make it darker yet because it shut up not the doors of my gullibility! Why did I not see the ridiculousness of these statements, and why have I subjected myself to such tortures as those fat people heap upon me by the written word, taking cues from both the great Voltaire and Berke Breathed. For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that of which I was afraid is come unto me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet, yet trouble came. At least I have a girl, though."
Chapter 4:
Then Riley the medium/abductee/etc. . . answered and said, "Let not the biting words of the fat grieve thee, for he knows only of food and television and wicked Irish beer that maketh him forget his fatness, and increaseth his social skills. The truth has been revealed unto thee, and would you cast it away like so much trash that is ridiculous, and that is only designed to take money from poor fools with persecution complexes and who seek to know a great and singular enemy against whom to fix thy canon? This great truth that lizards runeth the world is sacred knowledge, like what your girl looks like naked, and what her ass looks like in a thong, which fat people will never know! Ignore the fat kid and his bitter laughter, for he laughs who needs laughter, and who needs laughter will leave no stone unturned in his search for material, and thus does he maketh fun of you and your superior knowledge, and technology in Macintosh." Replied Jarob, "What makes you so sure? To believe in fallacious logic, which posits truth in such ideas as that lizards run the world just because ancient cultures had such symbols maketh no sense, and is not reasonable. There were other symbols aside from the dragon, but does Icke in his ostensible wisdom declare that there are eagle people who run the IRS, or wolf people who run the department of parks, or bull people who run the division of labor, or bear people who run the department of transportation? No! As fat people have said, he has chosen this symbol among many, knowing that people would revile such a symbol, and that those who are mentally unstable, and who need a target upon which to vent their anger, and direct their spitefulness at having a horrid life not fit to live, would quickly believe in such bullshit because it would confirm what they want to believe, which is that if someone is more fortunate than they, and if someone has power, they must be evil incarnate, and not just an asshole looking out for his loot, and cares not about the huddled masses they invited to these cursed shores years ago. He has taken advantage of idiots, and among them I stand!"
Chapter 5:
Riley knew not how to respond, having been drunk from cheap scotch he stole by placing it inside the surplus Army jacket he got from Goodwill. So he simply said, "Here, kid. Take a drink." Which advice Jarob took, and produced his own bourbon, and the two began to drink, and to make excuses for why that doesn't qualify them as alcoholics. Then, along came David, the son of God, who spake, saying, "You of little faith! Must I retaliate against thee by using taunts of my own? For I shall, and my taunts are colorful, and invective, and will make thee blush just like the fat kid's taunts, only mine are aimed at your inner self, and lack of self esteem which made you align yourself with me in the first place. For, by believing in me you have confirmation that you are better than others, and that you are well informed, and superior. So, ye who have abandoned me, shall I call you a sheep, and say unto thee that you are just too conditioned by society to see that there are lizards? And shall I say that you, like the masses, are unintelligent, and that you are blind who refuse to acknowledge that what I call evidence is in fact evidence and not just a leap in logic that is totally without grounding in any argument whatsoever, and that you do not see because you are a sheep?" "No!" crieth Jarob, "say not that I am a sheep. Say not that I don't have abilities that far outstrip others who cannot see, and that I am not special because I refuse to accept thy teachings. I will believe. Only say not that I am a sheep!" And thus the son of God was satisfied, having saved a loyal customer who will definitely buy his next book to get the further skinny on what's really going on down in the lizard hole.
