Nearly lost to history for a second time, many manhours of tedious data retrieval work by Pimples Malone, TZR’s archival database specialist, was required to reassemble this important work of historical writing from several old The Zero Recusancy website postings.
In old days, before the advent of sliced bread, men had to toil, even in their homes after hours of hard work in the fields. The slicing of bread was hard on the people, getting crumbs all over their kitchen counters, because the desert air made bread harden within just a few hours, and the Lesser Babylonians, whose houses were hardly a refuge from the wind, did little to stop this plague of dry, hard bread. There was talk of doing away with sandwiches altogether, until a brave band of men decided to take action. This band, including Terry the Destroyer, who was the father of Ira who was only three years old, and Tony the Deaf Hearer of Babel, set out one morning to find sharper knives and humidifiers. The band had been badly wounded the previous night by several Zephyrus wolves, and so were moving rather slowly. That night Timothy the Architect said, "Tony, thy fault is this! If thy stupid ass didn't maketh that 'hair of my chin' comment, the wolves might have goneth away!" Tony the Deaf Hearer of Babel, who was struggling to stay upright due to his injury, wherein both of his legs had been eaten, said, "What?" While he was paying attention to Timothy the Architect, he failed to notice the rock in front of him, upon which he fell, breaking his collar bone. They had been moving so slowly that they were only a few yards from Lesser Babylon, so they decided to head back. That night, in the midst of a vicious wolf attack, Tony began to hear voices. Mostly they were saying things in sacred, incomprehensible languages. Things like, "Aaah! I,m being eaten!" But then other voices came into his ears, whereon he heard, "Tony! Thy Holy quest is as follows: thou shalt goeth unto the holy Ziggurat, and there shalt thou receive the prophecy, and spread the word throughout the land!" Tony replied, "What?" After the voice repeated itself several times, it finally broke down and wrote its instructions in cuneiform. Tony said, "Oh, I hear you."
Book of Importantness 6:24 - 39
As Tony the Deaf Hearer ascended the final stair of the Ziggurat, pulling himself up with his hands, and dragging his body behind, he was given the prophecy he was promised. The voice said, "In days to come there shall descend from the sky, these little dudes with big eyes that look all weird. Kind of like the French, only more hygienic, and less drunk. The little dudes will be messengers and servants from the high powers of the sky, and they shall deliver unto thee the sign of the dragon, which thou shalt record forever more, as the most powerful of symbols. Before long, the symbol will be lost, and only will it be recovered in times to come, when the chosen one quests after it, and when the chosen one recovers the symbol, then shall he be made ruler of the Lesser Babylonians, and deliver them to their proper place, and save them and their legs from the vicious jaws of the Zephyrus wolves. This shall come to pass." Tony said, "What?" After explaining for several hours, the voice broke down and wrote it in cuneiform, whereon he said, "I get it now," and delivered the message unto the people, who rejoiced as much as they could considering their severe wounds from the last wolf attack.
Book of Importantness 8:1 - 9
The Lesser Babylonians carved the sacred sign of the dragon into the handles of their weapons, and into their shields, which they learned from the messengers should be made from wood rather than papyrus, and began to successfully defend themselves against the wolves. This led to the Lesser Babylonians worship of the powers of the sky, and of the dragon, as mortal enemy of the vicious powers of the earth, whose wolves were their worst enemies. Upon seeing the insignia of the dragon, the Babylonians laughed at the Lesser Babylonians, saying, "Thy lines and rectangle are not the sacred symbol, but only some stuff that Nebuchadnezzar cameth up with while drunk to maketh fun of you who buildeth without bricks!" The Lesser Babylonians said, "Fucketh, you," whereupon they were attacked and killed except for those who yet had legs with which to run. These were few, and great despair came over the people. Terry the Destroyer, and his son Ira, who was now seven years of age, were among this group, which otherwise consisted of Heckel, Jeckel, Minnie, Mickey, Dopey, Sneezy, Harpo, Groucho, Lenny, Squiggy, Hawkeye, Margaret, Edna, Beverly, Blair, Tootie, Natalie, Jo, Alex, Elise, Jennifer, Mallory, Jared, the Movie Star, and the rest (Editor's note: 'the rest' was later changed to include the Professor, and Mary Ann, but I have opted for the original black and white version of the text). These last remnants of the tribe of Lesser Babylonians now took on the moniker Yourmomsabitchians, so that whenever the Babylonians said the name of their forsaken cousins' tribe they would be insulted in the worst way. Then, to keep from being made fun of further, they destroyed the sacred sign, forgetting the prophecy given to Tony the Deaf Hearer of Babel, or misunderstanding his prophecy because of his speech impediment.
Book of Importantness 15:17 - 27
And then, in his seventeenth year, being the only member of his tribe who still had legs with which to run, it was revealed that Ira the Destroyer must be the chosen one, prophesied to deliver his people, and recover the sacred sign. And so, taking up his destroying stick, and his papyrus shield, he went into the wilderness, which was not very far away, to seek out the sacred symbol of the dragon.
Book of Importantness 19:1 - 2
With only the knowledge that there were some lines and other stuff in the symbol, he searched until he came into the Tigris, delta, whereon he found some sticks on the ground in a sacred spot. He knew that place was sacred because it was surrounded by signs which said, "Caution, portal to another dimension, enter at your own risk." Ira the Destroyer said, "Lo! Thy holy sticks showeth me the secret mysteries of what thy stickness standeth for!" And then the sticks didn't do anything, so Ira the Destroyer waited for a sign. Then, because it was the desert, he got mad thirsty, so he went to the river to drink. And then he said, "Holy shit! Thy meaning hath revealeth itselfeth unto me! Thy meaning is that of the great rivers that floweth, and stuff." Thereupon, Ira the Destroyer fell to the ground, and began murmuring something about someone named Michelle. The people of Lesser Babylon, who since they no longer had legs with which to run were now permanently mounted on horseback, had been following Ira, and watching. When Ira awoke, surrounded by his people, he said, "Damn, it kinda feeleth like there's a lizard controlling me, dude." This was taken to mean that Ira the Destroyer was under the power of the dragon, and he was made leader of the great nation of Yourmomsabitchians. Ira's first order of business was to restore the Yourmomsabitchians to the confines of Babylon, where they were restored to the sacred order of attendants and sales associates from which they departed many years before. This must be done, he said, because the Babylonians had great powers, and knew how to make things like bricks, and wooden shields, and knew that a proper mode of governance included a high leader, subject only to the high powers of the sky.
Book of Importantness 22:13 - 26
When the nation of Lesser Babylonians reentered the city of Babylon, there was much rejoicing as their horses had been long without rest, and Ira the Destroyer had been alone in defending them and their horses, which now also lacked legs with which to run. After they entered the city, and reunited with Babylon, they maintained their identity as Lesser Babylonians, but did shed the epithet of Yourmomsabitchians because they kept getting beaten up. This was in the time of the Babylonian Captivity of Israel, and soon enough Cyrus the Great came and conquered the Babylonians. Israel rejoiced at this, and seeing them there, and knowing the history of the Jews, Cyrus said unto them, "Um, you can goeth home now, if you feeleth like it." The Jews responded, "Nah. Our temple in Israel was destroyed, and the twelve tribes were scattered in four directions like chaff in the wind. Our great nation is no more." Cyrus replied, "But thou art possessed of a sort of bad luck of which I wanteth no part. It is known throughout lands that the Lord God of Ibrahim, Ishaq, and Yacoub, and of all Israel comes to you periodically and whoopeth thine ass for thy transgressions against him. I wanteth to beth far away when that happens next time." "But," the Jews replied, "our temple has been laid low, and our nation destroyed. There is nothing to goeth back to. We shall stay among you, and lament the loss of our temple." Cyrus said unto them, "Looketh, I haveth an idea. I will giveth you the loot to rebuildeth thy temple so that once again the tabernacle of the Lord God of Israel can once again be raised on high, and praise be given to your God once again. Surely then the Lord your God will deliver unto you all the promised land of Canaan, at least for a while before he cometh to destroyeth you again." The elders of Israel gathered, and decided they would accept the offer of Cyrus the great, who said, "Beautiful. Rebuildith thy temple, and Bless me in the name of the Lord your God since I have done this favor for you." The Jews blessed Cyrus, and journeyed out into the wilderness to seek once again for Israel. Cyrus then said unto the Lesser Babylonians, "Geteth the fuck out! We Persians are a great nation, and the Babylonians, though their city has been laid low, and their wives taken unto the joy division, and their children taken unto the priests of Zoroastria who will pass down their traditions for millenia to come, and their livestock taken to our flocks, are a great people, and the Jews who have been consistently built up and then destroyed by the Lord their God are a great people as well, but we don't wanteth your people - the people of the caste of jesters and freaks - adding your poison to the gene pool of Persia! Be gone!" The Lesser Babylonians answered, "Aren'teth you goingeth to offer us loot to buildeth our temple, and ask for a blessing in the name of our god who delivered unto us the sacred sign of the dragon?" "Looketh," Cyrus replied, "If I giveth you a coupon for a free turkey, will you just leaveth with out any trouble?" The Lesser Babylonians, having seen the actions of the Jews, got their elders together to confer with each other. This was known as the first assemblage of the elders of Lesser Babylon. They decided that they would accept this offer, not realizing that turkeys live in temperate zones, and cannot be found in tropical zones, much less in the center of the desert. This decision, however, was not called stupid by the Lesser Babylonians. It was said to be efficient as it was decided on by committee, and it was in the Law of Ira that those decisions made by high officials were to be considered sacred, and never questioned no matter what the results.
Book of Importantness 23:1 - 32
It was then that the Lesser Babylonians journeyed out into the desert in search of a Pathmark in which to redeem their coupon. On the first day the people rejoiced, being glad to return to the ways of their ancestors, and having forgotten the stories of Aeolian wolves. But on the first night, they remembered, and said, "Fucketh! That hurts," and all manner of sacred speech as their legs were being eaten. On the second day, the Lesser Babylonians lamented, crying out, "We need a king!" "But," said Effrom the Pontificator, "as the Jews have lost the line of David in their captivity, we in the generations that have gone by since our reunion with Babylon, have lost the line of Ira the Destroyer. No man may be king of Lesser Babylon but a man of his line. This the sky god who delivered unto us the sacred symbol of the dragon has proclaimed." "Lo!" said Eggbert the Imbiber of Mead, looking up from his cup which had been dry since the first day, and which he now constantly licked with his tongue trying to assuage his withdrawal, "In my fasting, I have received from the sky god a great vision. It was revealed unto me that there would be wolf attacks on our people for ten nights, and on the eleventh day there would be a man who yet had legs with which to run, and that would be the sign that he was the last man of the line of Ira, and he would, like Ira when it was revealed that he was to be ruler of Lesser Babylon, be in his seventeenth year." He then fell dead from dehydration. During the next ten nights the seventeen year old men tried in many ways to be the last man standing. There were those who built stilts, and those who buried themselves in the sand up to their necks, and those who practiced jumping very high, and those who wore beige in an attempt to blend in with the sand, and those who carried many milk bones with which to distract the wolves, but all were slain, or at the very least had their legs eaten. But on the eleventh day, as prohesied, there was one man left who yet had legs with which to run, and as prophesied he was in his seventeenth year. This man was Engelbert the Attendant, and it was he who was to be annointed king. On the eleventh night, Engelbert single handedly fended off the wolf attacks and saved his people's torsos from utter consumption.
Book of Importantness 24:1 - 30
Engelbert the Attendant stole many horses to carry his people across the desert. They all died from dehydration on the first day, so he used their meat to distract the wolves while he went out to steal camels in their stead. This was considered one of the greatest acts of heroism ever performed by a Lesser Babylonian, and is remembered even to this day in the saying, Engelbert kicketh much wolf ass! And on the next night the wolves, having been defeated at the hands of of Engelbert the Attendant, stayed away. It is also said that they may have stayed away because the Lesser Babylonians had the idea to light fires that night, having until then forgotten that the Babylonians showed them that fire keeps animals away. This was considered a great day in Lesser Babylonian history, and the smokers, who until they remembered all the benefits of fire had been trying to light their cigarettes with sand or water, rejoiced most of all. These days and nights were good, but soon Engelbert the attendant, King of Lesser Babylonians faced his first trial. The people were traveling by night, hoping to locate a Pathmark by looking for the big neon sign, when upon them came a band of marauders, who stole from them all that they had of value, and not even Engelbert the Attendant could fend them off because they were armed with iron weapons, whereas Engelbert had only a stick because he was trying to emulate the sacred sign of sticks and a rectangle. The next morning was the second assemblage of the elders of Lesser Babylon. The elders, headed by Englebert, talked and talked until they decided that, in order to keep their possessions of value from any who might steal, they would move them to the back of the camel caravan. This, they thought, was a good idea because if the thieves started searching at the front of the caravan, they would get tired quickly, and not bother to search all the way in the back. The Lesser Babylonians then rejoiced, and made preparations according to the idea of the elders, which was to be considered law. "But," said, Effrom the Pontificator, "how will we know where to accesseth all of our valuable stuffeth when we needeth it? Especially on Sundays when the traffic iseth bad." The elders again assembled, and it was decided that in the back of the caravan would be a great sign, illuminated by the sun during the day, and torches during the night, that would read: All Things Worth Stealing Are Stored Here. The sign would be flanked by arrows pointing to saddle bags on several camels, and next to the arrows would be written in the sacred tongue: This way to the stuff worth stealing. "But," said Effrom the Pontificator, "what if the marauders come from the rear and overtake the man guarding the loot-carrying camel?" The elders assembled again and decided that they would have two men instead of one guarding the loot-carrying camel, so that. . . Well, they didn't know exactly what the difference would be with two men instead of one, but they figured it was better. Several dissenters came forward, saying, "The criminals will seeth said sign, and maketh fools of us in the eyes of the Persians, and Jews, and even the Babylonians who laugh at us still, even in their ignoble defeat by Persia! And if they have iron weapons, and we have only sticks, no matter how many men are put on duty guarding the loot-carrying camel, they will still be defeated, except that two lives will be lost instead of one!" Engelbert, hearing the cries of the dissenters, silenced them by cutting their tongues out at the root because according to the Law of Ira the decisions of high officials were to be considered sacred, and in opposing the decision they had committed blasphemy against the sky god. And so it was that the Lesser Babylonians travelled through the desert, sent out by the Persians as ill-prepared idiots among wolves.
Book of Importantness 25:13 - 59