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Researchers in a double-blind study monitored the ability of both autistic people and republicans to detect sarcasm and irony in three separate tests, and found virtually no difference in the cognitive abilities of the two groups, according to Doctor Gavin McLeod.

Stimuli types were several series of ironic statements and slightly harsher sarcastic statements, after which republicans and autistics were asked to respond. Responses were frequently similar, and occasionally precisely the same.

I actually had the opportunity to witness a demonstration given at the McKinley Laboratory in Minneapolis. The first ironic statement was, “National forests are useless. They only represent wasted resources that backward hippies like Teddy Roosevelt tricked the business community out of.” Republican subject Orenthal Robertson responded, “They really are.” Autistic subject Dave Matthews responded, “Yeah, wasted resources. Backward hippies and wasted resources. Teddy.”

The second ironic statement was, “Spotted owls aren’t profitable, so why should we save them?” Both subjects responded, “Yeah, why save them?”

Doctor McLeod explains, “Republicanism and autism are both in the same category of cognitive disorders. Once an idea is lodged in this deficient type of brain, it gets stuck and cannot be moved, erased, or surmounted by reason. So, in the case of the ironic statements, they aren’t able to see any value in forests or owls because the idea that money is what creates value is already lodged in that place, and no amount of evidence or reason can counter act it. Money equals value, therefore owls do not. If you try to explain the value of owls they will just say, ‘No, no, no, money is valuable, not owls. I can’t buy an SUV or a McMansion with owls.’ Or they will ask, ‘How do owls generate profit?’”

This lack of thought process is what causes problems for both types in the real world. “The same situation comes up when you try to explain global warming to them,” said Doctor Jennifer Westcott, chair of Minnesota’s psychology department, and team leader. “This person’s schema says, ‘I like warm weather, therefore it is good.’ So they think global warming must be good. Likewise this person’s schema says the things that cause global warming – fossil fuels, industry, big cars – are good. So, for them to act on warnings is against what they perceive their interests to be.”

The psychology department asked their colleagues in neurology to step in and show that the two disorders were related. “We could see that the result was similar, but there was no evidence that the cause of the deficiency was the same,” she said. Republicans may be very similar to autistics, but there are definitely differences between the two. For example, Republicans tend to own weapons, and are more violent. They are also louder, more unpleasant, and more difficult to be around.”

“What we did was simply to bolster what the psychologists had foreseen,” said Neurologist Alanis Reed. “We did a simple EEG on the subjects as they responded, and it showed that their brain activity was virtually identical. The brain activity of autistics while problem solving is very distinctive, and the republicans’ EEGs were like mirrors.”

The demonstration also illustrated the lack of problem solving ability characteristic of both groups. Republicans and autistics were asked to imagine that they were faced with a choice. They could buy a big truck, but they would die in a flood or famine caused by global warming; or buy a hybrid and help stop global warming.

Mr. Robertson asked, “Well, what are the chances that I’d die in that flood?”

Dr. McLeod responded, “One hundred percent. You would definitely die in this scenario.”

“But I’d still get the truck, though, right?”

Dr. McLeod points out that the problem here is what the republican had been taught early in life. “What he’s been taught is that this is America, and we like big vehicles here, while hybrids are for Frenchmen and queers. This is what he’s been taught, and it is immovable in his mind, even when faced with death. Thus, he still chooses the truck. Even the threat of death cannot force him to use reason. And no matter what, he will cling obdurately to that unsupported, and unsupportable position.”

The autistic response was similar. Given the same scenario Mr. Matthews said, “Truck. Big truck.”

“You would choose the truck, even though you would die?”

“Truck. Big truck. Yeah. I’m going to die in a famine. Starve to death. Eighty million people in Africa. Big truck.”

“These people are both hopelessly disabled. It’s very sad,” Dr. McLeod said.