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After flyering several parking lots, we expected the kind of turn out that leaves standing room only. While we didn’t quite meet that goal, there certainly was plenty of standing room. The debate started at noon, so there were quite a few people there, though most of them never left their cars, and the number that showed up for the debate, rather than lunch, is not known.

Mr. Buckalew and his consort from the Anti-Lizard Space party motored in from the Buckalew Compound, his palatial estate that abuts the rocky, windswept crags of Beck’s Pond. He drove himself in his special edition Ford Tempo to show solidarity with the people. Count von Wilsey of the Standard Oil and its Subsidiaries party was chauffeured by his father (who, for some reason, did not retain the title until his death), to show solidarity with those above the people, and who were in a position to purchase the various planks of his platform.

Mr. Buckalew was dressed in his favorite “Big Buck” t-shirt – which he always wears when appearing in public – off-white (rather than dirty) with the little deer head on the breast, jeans, and the trendy high top moccasins known as “Air Geronimo’s.” He stood in front of his party's flag, with a device traditional to that party.

The Count showed up in his Sunoco (formerly part of the Standard Oil Empire) sponsored clothing, looking rather more like a stock car driver than a presidential candidate. He left his car running.

Bluezer0, the only sponsor for the event, chose to forgo the formality of microphones or cameras, or written questions, or podiums, so the candidates stood at the hoods of their respective cars as the questions began.

BZ: As a voter and tax payer, I have concerns about aliens, and what their intentions might be. How do you respond to that, Mr. Buckalew?

Mr. Buckalew: Well, I don’t dismiss it out of hand, I just don’t think, you know, that they’re here to kill us. I don’t necessarily think that. I mean, I have guns, and that’s what I feel comfortable with. I’m willing to meet with an interstellar traveler and, if need be, kill it.

BZ: Count?

Von Wilsey: What are you people talking about? I don’t know any aliens. Would you like a quart of oil with that?

BZ: Count, some people say that you are too heavily influenced by the Exxon-Mobil Company, and that it is a conflict of interest to have a president who is an employee of such a company.

Von Wilsey: Vice president Cheney was an employee of Halliburton, a company that was given no-bid contracts on the reconstruction of the parts of Iraq that Mr. Cheney helped to destroy. That wasn’t a conflict of interest, was it? Would you like anything else, like maybe a Snickers™ bar or something, with that?

BZ: Uh, yes, it most certainly was.

Von Wilsey: That’s ridiculous. That’s not founded on fact, it’s a liberal smoke screen, it’s bilge. What exactly is a quote unquote conflict of interest, anyway? It’s when people strategically installed by companies suspiciously champion highly questionable political moves that just happen to forward that company’s agenda. That’s it. Simple. Coincidence, that’s all. So, is it a coincidence that I work for Exxon-Mobil™ and that I happen to believe and use my political clout to back the position that the excessive burning of Exxon-Mobil™ brand fuels creates a cleaner environment than one in which no such fuels are burned? Yes, absolutely without question and we have scientists with PhC’s from Oral Roberts University who can prove it.

BZ: What is a PhC?

Von Wilsey: A doctorate in Christian philosophy. Christ drove a Chevy, and turned water into Exxon-Mobil™ fuels. So say our doctors of truthonomy and truthology who can prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt using scientific formulas drawn directly from the Bible.

BZ: Mr. Buckalew, your response?

Mr. Buckalew: [Hitting the “honey-bear” bong]

BZ: Mr. Buckalew?

Mr. Buckalew: [Still drawing smoke, then coughing uncontrollably]

BZ: Mr. Buckalew, we know that you rely on the supplement and vitamin industry for your health care plan. But major players in that industry have been arrested for various offences such as grand larceny and misrepresenting their products. Do you feel that such offenses are OK, or that they should be ignored by the American people?

Mr. Buckalew: Just because people have been arrested doesn’t mean that they’ve done anything wrong. I mean, look at. . . . I don’t know, but I’m saying, like look at, um. . . that Peltier guy that Rage Against the Machine are all about. That dude didn’t do shit, man, and he got arrested and I think he might of went to jail, too. So fuck that. I mean, these guys are just saying that their stuff can cure you even though there’s no evidence that it can. But there’s also no evidence that it can’t so you can’t really, um, say that, you know?

BZ: So, you do believe that those types of offenses should be ignored?

Mr. Buckalew: Hell yeah, I do. It’s just the government trying to cover up the scandal of the way the FDA takes bribes to approve drugs that haven’t been tested, or drugs that have been shown to hurt people, or whatever, man. I mean, when I’m elected Kevin Trudeau willl be the surgeon general, and for whatever you needed you could just go to his website www.[content edited by BZ].com, and sign up for a twenty dollar a month membership, and get all the cures you need. And, I mean, is that fun? No. He says that you have to have thirty colonics in thirty days in order to get healthy. Does anyone not queer want to put that much stuff in their butt? No. But I do it, and whether he posed as a doctor to deposit checks amounting to $80,000 is besides the point, and whether he committed credit card fraud is beside the point, too. I’m going to put all that stuff in my butt anyway. Why? Because the FDA fucking sucks, man.

BZ: OK. Count, what do you have to say about this?

Von Wilsey: Just go to a regular doctor. Just save up your coupons, employees, and everything will be fine. Would you like some cigarettes?

BZ: Count, regarding the war in Iraq, what would your first steps be?

Von Wilsey: First, I’d add extra security patrols to guard the ministry of oil distribution right in downtown Baghdad. You know, the building that somehow miraculously survived when everything else on the whole block imploded in the same staged, fake-looking way that the twin towers did. Then, once the oil information was sealed, I’d go out into the fields myself, and make sure that none of the troops were stealing oil, like putting it in bags and sending it home. You know, they’ve started accepting felons since 98% of America’s non-felons are either faggots or already dead from honorable wounds received on the honorable and sacrificial battlefield. So, we got to watch them. Especially certain ones. You know the ones I mean. The ones that are naturally inclined to steal.

BZ: Mr. Buckalew, what would your first move be?

Mr. Buckalew: I’d go right to Baghdad and get some hash. They got those big hookahs and like. . .

BZ: Mr. Buckalew?

Mr. Buckalew: Huh?

BZ: You just sort of trailed off.

Mr. Buckalew: Sorry. What was the question?

At this point the manager of the McDonalds came out and told us that we had to leave or he was calling the police. Mr. Buckalew offered to burn him a copy of the new Nine Inch Nails record if he wouldn’t call the police, and the two disappeared inside the restaurant to discuss the details. The disc is, as yet, undelivered.