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However, since he now admits that I am certainly on to something, and he acknowledges my mastery over all esoteric topics -- that is, now that he is a believer in Shadowism -- I will tell the story of our avian enemies in great detail.

I first noticed that birds were closely associated with trees about the same time that I made certain now-famous observations about water and food. It seems that wherever there are trees, there are birds, which leads to the obvious question -- are the birds affected by the mind control computers inside the trees? The answer is “no.” So, that settles that.

But there are certain bird-like robots that are controlled by the government, and that are made of the same intra-trunk iControlyourmind computers found in the deadly sycamores of Columbus and elsewhere. I know this for a fact because I tested my hypothesis in the field.

About three weeks ago I took a trip to rural Arkansas, where I sat deep in the swamp killing passenger pigeons, ivory-billed woodpeckers, and Carolina parakeets with a pellet gun. After about three days of my favorite form of relaxation, I realized that I might be able to learn something if I stopped killing long enough to examine the corpses.

When I cut open the bodies of these thought-to-be-extinct birds, I couldn’t believe my eyes. First, there was all kinds of guts and stuff. But then, way deep in there were these little white hard things, like sticks only they weren’t made of wood, or any material known on earth. The thing it reminded me of most was ivory, but I was certain that they were birds and not elephants. It was then that I surmised that they were made of that same other worldly metal found in the sycamores, and that they therefore must be under government control.

However my research shows that birds, unlike clouds, have been around for at least two hundred years. So, though the birds couldn’t be a creation of the government, or even the aliens, there are some that have been surgically implanted and taken over in the same way as the trees.

The next question, then, is how do you determine which birds are government-alien robots, and which are not. And the answer is, by where they came from. Real quick I just emailed The Fat Kid and asked him where the “red-tailed hawk” in the photo came from, and he said/wrote, “Across the street.” And what, I asked, is across the street. This:

This ominous bloc-Gothic building, clearly the headquarters of government agents out to prevent The Shadow and BlueZer0 from writing an exposé, only appears benign and unoccupied.

More specifically, that is, a dark “unoccupied” building, surrounded (or you might say protected) by trees.

As head of L’École Des Beaux Lézards’ department of Conspiratorial Studies, it is incumbent upon me to investigate this situation. My next article will be a full report on the building and its grounds.