BlueZer0.net

After The Shadow had pissed off the aliens of 4041, we expected an attack, but nothing came. Then, following a few days of eerie silence, we here at BZ were lulled into a false sense of security. On the fifth day, I peeked out my window (which I apparently expected to protect me from extraterrestrial technology) and saw what looked like the beginnings of a real-life Independence Day. The sky was full of alien craft. Two squadrons led the attack, one from the South and one from the West, to seal off the exits and trap us in our parking lot.

The squadron from the south.

Venetian alien craft are, apparently, roughly as reliable as American cars, which is problematic when you’re out in the galaxy and forgot to bring your cell.

Watching from my penthouse, I saw several grays and spotted chicks from Venus get out of the various craft, and they spent quite a little bit of time looking under their hoods and shouting at each other. After a while I saw them on their cell phones, and within seven hours the first tow truck arrived. It seemed that something had happened to their ships all at once, and that they were no longer able to control them. So, we escaped for the day, and all was quiet.

The following afternoon, wandering through the parking lot dead drunk and looking for the sasquatches that populate the rear portion of it, I heard a strange noise. After a bit of investigation, I noted this “downy woodpecker,” Picoides pubescens tapping away at one of the black walnut (Juglans nigra) trees in the back lot.

This “downy woodpecker” is actually an android designed by alien chicks from Venus, who also design and sell hardware for installation into trees. For a full catalog, go the fuck to Venus.

I was suspicious, recalling that The Shadow had killed and inspected the interior of several thought-to-be-extinct woodpeckers, and found that they had metal parts inside them. After capturing a quick photo, I ducked back into the Chateau and waited until dark before visiting The Shadow at L’École Des Beaux Lézards. After explaining the situation to him, he gave the following judgment.

The alien computer servers are stored in the deadly sycamores, but the functional units, transmitters, terminals, and so on, are contained in lesser trees, such as the bitch-ass black walnut. This woodpecker is clearly a repair robot, from which I deduce that there was a computer failure. So, it looks like the alien craft were being auto-controlled by a sort of broadcast that was coming through the transmitters in the trees. It’s just an IT problem, and as soon as they get the system back up, you’ll be under attack again. Your execution is kind of stalled, though, because they’ll have to send back to Venus for parts to fix the whole legio n of ships. You know, they incurred a lot of damage when they just fell straight down out of the sky. But after that, you guys are dead. I hope you have a good spot picked out in the potters field. You’ll probably all wind up together, ‘cause in the potters field they dig big graves and stack the coffins three deep and two wide. Creepy, huh?

Super-secret BZ sources (not that fucker who gave us false info on Jared) claim that the order has been sent and that a shipment is on the way. Check for updates on our impending doom!