The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville -- As I was stumbling home from the titty bar Monday night, I stopped for a second to dig my keys out of my my otherwise empty pocket, when I saw a note sticking out from under my door. The writing was indecipherable Alienese. I immediately rushed to the BZ offices, note in hand, but the offices were completely empty. At that hour, there’s only one person on staff, anyway -- BZ owner/CEO Decanus. But he wasn't there. There was only eerie silence.
This letter, in what is apparently a one-for-one character replacement alphabet, was translated by The Shadow at L’École Des Beaux Lézards on Monday night. It says something or other about Decanus, I think.
I then went to L’École Des Beaux Lézards where I explained the situation to The Shadow. He looked grim as he translated the letter with his Alienese decoder pin, and finally produced this letter:
Dear Fat Bastards,
Stop eating for a second and listen. We abducted your friend Decanus, and don’t intend to give him back until we get our device. It cost us quite a bit of money. We also, therefore, demand a cash payment in the amount of $100,000 Canadian. And don’t try to trick us with those worthless (and still falling) American dollars. Like anything with a picture of a slave owner in a wig could be worth anything. Might as well take pesos. Anyway, until we receive the device, and the full cash payment, Decanus is our new janitor.
Sincerely,
The Biaviians
Things are grim here at the BZ offices. A certain cat is standing by her empty dish, making loud screeching sounds, and no one can figure out what she wants. The loud-mouth slut next door’s gossip goes ungiggled-at through the paper-thin wall, and, worst of all, BZ employees go unpaid.
The Biaviian anti-gravity device in question, “inadvertently” lifted from the Buckalew estate by a BZ staffer in August of 2007.
We have rifled through Decanus’s wallet and jacket pocket, and found only 38¢, some gum, and a receipt for a rented van and a metric ton of fertilizer -- there is no sign of how to get into Decanus’s vast coffers. Plans for raising the money are now in development, but since Canadians are too smart to bother reading this website, and Americans will have trouble matching the power of the Canadian dollar, our hopes are not high. Check back for updates.
Comments (1)
I am NOT screeching. I am simply asking my husband, the Shadow, to stock the fridge...oh wait, were you talking about that little fucker, "Trouble", who bit me?
Posted by Wifely | March 20, 2008 8:02 PM
Posted on March 20, 2008 20:02