BlueZer0.net

At the Chateau, a startling change has overcome Decanus’s long-time cat, Trouble. Known mostly for being a big tubby fuzzball (and biting my wife), Trouble, pictured here at her annual check-up, was always healthy, even though she only moved every other day.

Trouble, being fitted for a mumu, made The Fat Kid look like an anorexic marathon runner.

As previously reported, since Decanus’s abduction, the cat has been standing by it’s long-empty food dish and screeching like that rabbit I stepped on in the parking lot. Apparently having gone into mourning for the loss of her master, Trouble has done nothing else since that night, and within just a few days lost about half a cat’s worth of weight.

A week after Decanus’s abduction, the puffy feline actually started to resemble a cat again.

According to BZ staffers, some of whom are armchair veterinarians, cats sometimes “get real skinny like that Kate Moss bitch from England” when they are unhappy. According to the Ecuadorian cleaning lady, “El gato es muerto de hambre,” which BZ consort/washerwoman/translator Consuela tells us means “Fuck off, dick face.”

By the next week, still with no donations to the (Canadian) Dollars for Decanus fund Trouble, having no way to recover her master, had dwindled even further.

Trouble, almost recognizable at week two, has even lost her spots.

At week two, we here at BlueZer0 still could not figure out what was afflicting the cat. We tried kicking it, telling it to shut up, kicking it harder, tormenting it until it was so mad that it spit, and making it watch while we ate turkey subs. But it just sat there by the barren, dry, empty food dish, crying, or screeching, or whatever it is that cats do. Trouble was so despondent at the loss of Decanus, that she lost even more weight.

The current picture of trouble. At least she shut the hell up, finally.

At this point, Trouble the cat has finally stopped making all that noise, but remains dead silent, standing there with aluminum rods in her bones, pining away for Decanus. Please contribute, if not for Decanus’s sake, then at least to save the cat. At this rate, it looks like she might die from grief!