BlueZer0.net

The email, received yesterday, reads as follows:

Listen, Fat Ass: you can stop with the Dollars for Decanus and all that noise. I’ll call you tomorrow. And get all the staff, as well as that fucking cat corpse, out of my apartment. The old-guy corpse down the hall smells bad enough by itself. I’ll call you tomorrow.

PS If all those mop-pushing minimum-wage workers haven’t already stumbled off to find degrading work elsewhere, tell them I said all wages are suspended indefinitely. Or you’d better dumb it down for them and say that I’m just plain not paying. That’ll get them out of the Chateau.

This afternoon I talked with Decanus on the phone. The following is a transcript of our conversation.

FK: So, what happened the night of the abduction?

D: Late that night I heard a knock at the door. Thinking it was one of those strange people from down the hall, I didn’t bother getting up, but soon enough The Shadow started saying “Lemme in,” so I opened the door. He was looking kind of shifty-eyed, you know? Like he was antsy, and wanted to get out of there real quick. He said there was something outside that he thought I should see. He told me it was out back, by the dumpsters, and then he ran down the hallway toward the front of the building. I went out the back, and there was the stereotypical situation -- alien ship overhead, a beam of light searching the ground, just like that movie Fire in the Sky. The light hit me, and they took me up.

An "artist's" re-creation of the abduction scene. Except, you know, it was dark. And Decanus was there.

FK: So, what do you think is the deal with The Shadow?

D: Oh, he set me up, that half-sasquatch motherfucker. I mean, at first I just thought that he saw the ship and told me about it because he thought I should see it, too. But those spotted chicks told me that they essentially chased him into the front of the building, and that they meant to catch him running out the other side, but then I came out. When they saw me, they figured I was more valuable, so they took me instead. That’s why he went out the front when he told me that what I needed to see was out back. He was trying to get away.

FK: So, what happened on the ship?

D: Nothing, really. They just said something like Look, dude, we’re keeping you til we get BZ’s anti-gravity device, and until then you have to work for your bread like anyone else. So, I worked in maintenance for a while, and then they moved me up to where I was doing mechanical work. It was OK, but then Venutian Intra-Tree Computer Systems LLC went down like your mom outside the plasma bank, and they started liquidating assets, myself included.

FK: But wait, what about the Rush songs? When did you select those, and how exactly did you manage to send them out?

D: Yeah, um, you were just listening to the radio, dumb ass. When I read that first article, I was going to step in and say, whoa, man, I’m here, just give them the anti-gravity device and I’ll be back, but I wanted to see where you’d take it. For bullshit, though, it’s really excellent stuff. You’re getting pretty Shadowy.

FK: Great. So, that was the whole reason that you stayed with the Venutians?

D: Not the whole reason. I mean, there were benefits.

FK: Such as?

D: I dunno. The pay was better. Being a CEO of BZ sounds like a prestigious high-paying job, but, you know, that’s for real companies.

FK: Like Venutian Intra-Tree Computer Systems LLC?

D: Right. At BZ all it means is that you preside over the people who couldn't get hired at fast food restaurants. So, up here I was doing physical labor, but the pay was OK. Working conditions were better. No monosyllabic morons. Plus there was profit sharing. But then, like I said, they went under, and I was liquidated.

FK: Who bought you?

D: Coincidentally, the Biaviians.

FK: So, you’re on Biaveh?

D: Yup.

FK: What do they have you doing?

D: Well, I was working in the field of giant 12-foot pot plants, [Editor’s note: for those of you who are unaware, gravity is not as strong on Biaveh, so plants, including marijuana, grow much larger there, regularly reaching or exceeding 12 feet (first reported here by Riley Martin).] but I got into drawing. On weekends, and my vacation days -- they give you eight vacation days and eight sick days right off the bat -- I didn’t have anything to do so I started drawing, and eventually, after I started honing my skills a little, I applied for the job of space ship ticket designer.

FK: Really? You’re replacing Riley as the proverbial space ship ticket window?

D: No, no, no, I’m the designer. I come up with the designs that are then uploaded into Riley’s head. So, he still draws them, and sells them. He’s what they call the delivery vector -- that’s a marketing term -- and his function remains unchanged.

FK: Can we see one of your designs?

D: Sure, I’ll email you one sometime this week. They're very different. I have my own style.

FK: What's it like?

D: Well, all that geometric stuff is gone, and no more pyramids -- I'm sick of seeing pyramids and ankhs everywhere. They're not even mysterious anymore. They're just parodies of themselves. I'm doing something different, and primal, that goes back to the roots of humanity, really the childhood of humanity, to represent our roots not only to other people of Earth, but to everyone in the universe. These are new symbols that, with just one look, will tell any alien what kinds of beings human beings are.

FK: Back to the roots of humanity, huh? Wow. Sounds exciting. So, what’s the deal, then, are you staying on Biaveh?

D: Yup. It kind of reminds of me the United States, only there are some major issues cleared up. Free health care, no one wants to kill you, you get vacation days and sick days from the door -- that is, like, no 60 or 90 day probationary period or anything. I mean, slavery isn’t so bad in space. Plus pot’s legal. The beer is sort of watery, but it’s cheap.

FK: Sounds like heaven. Er, other than the beer.

D: Well, from that description you might see it that way, but there are some issues.

FK: Such as?

D: Well, it’s kind of cold here, everybody has this weird accent, and they all love Rush. Plus there are mad bigfoots. Many, many bigfoots all over the forest. You hardly start your bear hunt before like 50 bigfoots come walking up, and those motherfuckers stink. I mean, they reek. You know they call them skunk apes down south, right? There’s a reason for that. Despite all that, I'm staying for right now. We'll see how things look in the future. But look fat ass, I have to go.

At this point, either the line went dead, or Decanus hung up on me.

Next: Decanus’ own space ship ticket designs! You know, as soon as he emails them to me.