The Fat Kid reporting. . .
Clintonville -- Since discovering the errors in The Shadow’s translation of the Alienese letter, a lot has been going on at the Chateau. After taking time off from my job cleaning out the mouse traps at Subway, and trying to get the Biaviians to call me back, my first step was to try to find The Shadow.
The new translation indicated to me that The Shadow was not simply mistaken about the content of the letter, but that he purposely changed it because he was pushing an agenda of some kind, and possibly trying to profit from Decanus’s disappearance. I went to L’École Des Beaux Lézards to question him about this, and found it completely empty. That is, emptier than it was before. The milk crate that had been his chair, the cinder-blocks and boards that had been his bookshelves, the chained-up illegal immigrant that had been his “wife,” and the 200MHz eMachines tower with the six gigabyte hard drive that had been his computer were all missing. Nothing occupied the space now but lots of spiders and a skinny coyote that was dying from mange.
As I stepped outside I caught a glimpse of The Shadow slipping away into the surrounding trees. I called to him, and he turned to look but kept walking. I managed to snap a pic of him before he disappeared completely, but after a brief and fruitless investigation I gave up pursuit. Though I would like to speak with him before pronouncing judgment, his actions do not seem like those of an innocent man.
The Shadow, ducking me like a bitch.
Finding that line of inquiry a dead end, I decided to focus on the Venutians, and see whether they had anything important to say. And they did. I managed to get a hold of the Venutian chicks’ secretary, Dolores, and she did not have good news. First, the Venutians did in fact leave me a real ransom note. They claimed that Biaviian anti-gravity devices are like the Honda Accord of space -- they’re the best-built, everybody wants one, and the best way to get one is to steal it. Their anti-gravity device had been stolen by a group of reptilians who usually hang out and abduct drunks in Italy, and the Venutians were too scared to ask them for it back. But this was a problem -- they couldn’t deliver their intra-sycamore computers without it. They were just too heavy. One Venutian chick tried to just carry them, but threw out her back, and that was the end of that. The earth government refused to advance them any money for a new one until the computers they already bought were in working order, so they tried to get out of a jam by blackmailing us out of ours, as well as mad Canadian loot.
The fact that I never got the ransom note was news to her. She claims that the Venutians simply assumed we didn’t care to have Decanus back, and then sold him to other aliens. She did not know what became of him after that, and claimed that she could not help get him back because Venutian Intra-Tree Computer Systems LLC had been dissolved. Without their delivery system, they could hardly sell anything, and had to resort to their old profession -- modeling -- just to stay afloat. Times are tough everywhere.
Ever wonder why Riley’s drawing of a spotted Venutian chick looks so familiar? She was the model for “mudflap girl,” every 70’s trucker’s favorite silhouette.
It looks, then, as though the Lurker in the Hallway, almost certainly The Shadow, must have taken the ransom note for his own reasons, but didn’t count on the Biaviians sending their condolences, and offering assistance. When asked to translate the note, he did, but with creative additions to try to take advantage of the situation. At this time, however, without The Shadow here to confirm or deny these allegations, we can only consider this speculation.
So, with Venutian chicks out of the computer surveillance business, and into the mudflap silhouette-modeling business, Decanus sold to unknown aliens, and The Shadow off in the woods eating squirrel meat and sleeping in a poison ivy bower, we here at BZ are left with more questions than we started with. However, I will do what I can to sort this mess out.
Check back for updates!
