BlueZer0.net

Gary was found dead last week, in his luxurious studio apartment, located in Chateau 4030 in Clintonville. The previous weekend, there was a very confusing event involving gunshots and police at the bus stop, but because it was easier to do nothing than to check on him, no one did. Unfortunately, it was the smell that tipped authorities off. From what BZ staffers were able to ascertain, Gary Doe both shot and stabbed himself (probably the latter before the former) to death. You know, because life is hard, and not worth it.

Fox news was there, but reported nothing. Is the van turning into a reptilian?

Strangely enough, Fox news was on the scene shortly after police, but there was no mention of Gary’s death on that night’s broadcast, nor was there any mention the following day. No notice was posted in the Dispatch, either. When BZ tried to electronically retrieve the police report, we were greeted with the error message, “Error executing child request for PublicReport.aspx.” Who knows what the hell that means. Regardless, the incident’s absence in the news is raising conspiracy theorists’ eyebrows at L’École Des Beaux Lézards.

Gary Doe was known locally as a vagrant, and long-time patron of respectable Clintonville drinking establishments like Bob’s Bar, and El Dorado, but was also known to buy Cisco brand fortified wine, and “camp out” for a night on the borders of the back parking lot of the Chateaux.

The borders of the Chateaux’ back parking lot, where Gary sometimes “slept.”

To BZ staff, however, Gary was the guy who owned the Duster that we used to drink next to, as well as the trailer that we used to sit our beers on. Gary’s ’75 (or roughly thereabouts) Duster was a recognizable landmark, sitting in the back parking lot, glowing like a yellow UFO, quietly (er, loudly) rusting, and was the closest thing in our parking lot to a muscle car.

The Duster. If you look closely at the hood, you can see circles of condensation on the paint – the unmistakable mark of BZ’s beery presence. In the ‘70’s, this obnoxious color was known as “yellow peril,” a phrase which doubles as a racist remark.

Gary was once heard to say of it, “When this thing ran, it would run like, a, um. . . . 17-second quarter mile. Or 18. And, um. . . Them ain’t factory rims. It don’t run, though. It needs a battery, and um. . .” Mr. Doe did not finish his sentence.

Gary Doe will be missed by all, especially on Saturday mornings, which Chateau 4030 residents will now sleep through peacefully, in the absence of his early morning hoedowns.

R.I.P. Gary Doe. 19?? – 2009.