BlueZer0.net

A Decanus-Fat Kid Joint. . .

Biaviian Newswire Service:

The political action committee Reptilians For The New World Order released the following statement regarding the US Presidential election.

A new series, exclusively at BlueZer0.net

Clintonville -- The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device “unintentionally” pilfered from a Bear, Delaware trailer in the summer of 2007, has long been a source of mystery for BZ staffers. Though it clearly had functions other than, you know, moving things, most of the monosyllabic cretins BZ could afford to hire had no better advice on how to investigate them than, “Dude, press that button, and see what it does.” Deeming the pressing of strange buttons on alien devices ill-advised, BZ staffers of a slightly higher caliber (i.e. volunteers who are in this for the truth, rather than $3 wine), decided it should be left it alone. Until this week.

A Decanus-Fat Kid Joint. . .

A SECRET LOCATION -- Following our theme of investigative interviews, BZ tracked down a former US Navy engineer to try to recover information about the development of the military's secret stealth project. He agreed to an interview, but demanded that we shield his identity.

A Decanus-Fat Kid Joint. . .

As recent headlines shout out stories of aliens and NASA astronauts like carnival barkers trying to sell tickets to see the fat bearded lady, BlueZer0.net's investigative team goes behind the tents and into the compound of carnival workers' trailers in search of real stories, as told by real engineers, of aliens and their technology exchange with the Military Industrial Complex.

Yes, that's Saculus Von Doom aka Rich Fuester, former guitarist of the defunct Alazith, working Altar of Dagon's drums for maximum doomage to a Sabbath classic. It is rumored the above video was a response to a practice session video by the band Satan's Afterbirth.

-Decanus, BZ's Planet Biaveh Bureau Chief

No longer able to quietly sit back and let Riley Martin’s Biaviianism receive all the big headlines, David Icke makes his biggest attempt for attention since he last wore only turquoise and announced: "I am a channel for the Christ spirit. The title was given to me very recently by the Godhead." In the process of this latest attempt, proves to many that he reads BlueZer0.net.

Chateau Clintonville -- From his penthouse suite, The Fat Kid spies the FedEx van pulling out of the parking lot and he hurries to the lobby to receive his package from the chateau's safe clerk. No longer can he ride without tunes in his cool, stretched, but music-free COTA limousine. He must have his new, but pre-loved, iPod. A 4th generation classic model that he bid for and won on Ebay.

As are many students of end times prophecies that aren’t worthy of colorful doomsday escaping spacebus passes to Biaveh, I’m counting down to that ugly last day. I’m pretty sure of the date.

The dryers were humming and spinning and it was obvious as soon as I entered the room, the old dude had something to share. Except during a quick “hello,” I tried my best not to make eye contact with him.

Thursday, Jan 17, 2007- The phone rings here at the BlueZer0 office. On the other end is a man claiming to be a former employee at Area 4041. He introduces himself as Rob Bazar.

After receiving many angry phone calls from the Buckalew Public Relations Office, the BlueZer0 staff felt it necessary to revisit their choice for Favorite Post of the Year 2007. Once gathered to discuss the growing controversy surrounding the article, there was much laughter, mocking and beer spilling induced by Mr. Buckalew’s argument against the Steffie’s Ass selection. Mainly, that argument being he was baked and horny when writing about “that gorgeous rump” of which he wished, “I could still hump." However, by time the beer ran out the BZ staff understood the importance of the PR office’s point, "Mr. Buckalew has found 'another great ass with which to play' and she doesn’t need to read his poetic masterpiece."

Here it is, recovered from the grease trap of internet plumbing, the last post to the long defunct website of The Zero Recusancy.

-Decanus

Horrified by the possibility of angry lightning bolts from on high and their souls doomed to spend eternity in Hell, Hades or the kiosk at the ol’ Realm, a shadowless BlueZer0 staff sought out help from the local clergy. The Shadow’s grinchness and heresy posted on BZ in the form of a xmas message had to be renounced and exorcised and the BZ staff’s hearts and minds purified before it was too late and the wrath of God or the gods was unleashed.

Mr. Shadow,

Today an old dude with a cane was hobbling down the main passage way in the section of catacombs that includes the BZ bunker beneath the Chateau Clintonville. He pointed his cane at me, between steps, as he shouted, "Hold on I want to talk to you!" Because of an unfortunate episode that took place two weeks ago, I thought he may be leading an angry Easter Seals mob to the bunker's door. But no mob followed so I quickly became confident that I could out run the old coot if he became belligerent and waited for him as he wheezed and huffed his way towards me.

A Decanus-Fat Kid Joint. . .

COLUMBUS -- As BlueZer0 staff and crew were settling into their spacious hobo camp-adjacent digs, several workers uncovered what turned out to be a Biaviian antigravity device on loan to the Buckalew estate.

Waterford -- Jared Buckalew of the Anti-Lizard Space Party proclaims that the United States should reserve the right to bomb sports stadiums and hall of fame shrines in retaliation for animal abuse on America's pets.

Abstract Thinking:

Thinking characterized by the ability to use concepts and to make and understand generalizations, such as of the properties or pattern shared by a variety of specific items or events.

The Count’s campaign claims the Buckalew Palace resident feline Kisses the cat has been forced by hunger pains to beg for food at the suite doors of Palace guests.

After a few weeks of receiving no responses to our email, we at BZ sent out inquiries to known friends of Kiwigirl about her unusual silence. Only Johnny H. had any sort of lead. He had heard through MySpace.com that she had computer problems. Ridiculous we thought. She is a Penn State trained engineer and ex-NASA rocket scientist turned ex-pat, mum and MI5/6 double agent. No way a little software glitch could keep her down. There had to be something else behind her disappearance. We kept up our search.

Recent rumors have been whispered about the Waterford community of horrific assaults on early morning and late evening joggers near Loch Waterford. The facts about these attacks have been held tight lipped by most members of the local housing association (WEA). It is assumed they have done so to protect property values from negative publicity that may be caused by the attacks.

Johnny H. 5’ 11”/ Slim/ White/ Artist and Delaware Valley native can be seen bicycling around the neighborhoods of Austin, Texas these days. So what is this hoagie eatin’ Eagles fan doing deep in the heart of Tejas? Who knows? Some people can’t help themselves and drift from bad to worse. But all isn’t gloomy for Johnny, ex-frontman for the long defunct Delco punk band The Dead Livers. After two decades of believing computer BBS and the following world wide web were just fads like pet rocks and the CB radio craziness of the ‘70’s, along with believing the many proclamations by computer industry types during those decades announcing the pending doom of Apple Computers, Johnny H has joined the rest of the world with internet access. But, not by the normal route stomped out by the ignorant of suburbia. No Microsoft and AOL bloatware on a Dell or HP for Johnny. No, he has join us in the 21st Century using a liberated iBook from the last century. A 1999 model clamshell. As a Mac diehard, I feel so warm and fuzzy inside and wanting to pick up my old Gibson SG one more time.

-Decanus

After months of labor free landscaping and farm work on the grounds of his estate, Jared does the most basic of suburbanite deeds, he mows his lawn. However, he does so only after reading in Skunk magazine that although he can smoke crab grass, dandelions and ragweed he will not get high on them. Therefore, realizing the futility of waiting until harvest season for useless smoke while enduring the angry taunts and jeers of his neighbors and possible legal action taken by the swanky housing association, of which he is a member, he relents to their pressure, conforms to suburban traditions and on this hottest day of the year mows over the buzzless crop.

-Decanus

China's Tech Generation Finds a New Chairman to Venerate

BEIJING -- Since the passing of Chairman Mao Zedong, a new chairman has come to represent the aims and aspirations of millions of Chinese youth -- the chairman of Microsoft, Bill Gates.

-Decanus

In honor of BZ’s favorite newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. Shadow, I offer this website as my choice for Too Funny Website Of The Month.

-Decanus

Still too curious about the UFO activity in Delaware, I dared the wrath of evil alien lizardry and wandered into the former Realm of the Tooth one more time. There he was, loading up the soda machines(aka the Tooth’s ATMs).

Meeting at the local Arby’s in Glasgow, Delaware members of the Pumpboy Liberation Front(PbLF), Sacred Order of Attendants and Sales Associates, Dudes for Biaveh(Waterford Chapter) along with friends of Jared Buckalew and fat people have gathered to discuss campaign strategy in preparation for the possible run of the Buckalew for Delaware’s US Senate seat held by Joe Biden in election year 2008. More to follow...

-Decanus

Purchased yesterday at the Foxrun Acme in Delaware, this potato bears an image of the big eyed Biaviian savior and clearly hints of the Coming of Tan as prophesied by Riley Martin.

-Decanus

I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. Nothing the Fat Kid has done has convinced me -- Listen, he’s a smart ass and he’s a liberal. He represents liberalcy. These people don't have tanks. They don't have ships. They hide in computers. They use speech and they send out stuff on the web. They are evildoers! - G.W.Bush

Our investigation into the Shadow’s behavior led the BZ staff to post a prediction of an important shadowy bomb event this Easter weekend. It has happened, the Shadow announces his marriage to Consuela the washer woman during his most recent interview with the Fat Kid. Here’s the official press release photo:

The Shadow, we've learned, has demanded of those close to him strict obedience to the black out of facts related to his unusual behavior of late. His long, late night phone calls to the Buckalew estate for homeopathic health advice, the abandonment of journalistic assignments, the loss of thirst for Guinness and Yuengling brews along with his demands to be compensated in wine are just a few known facts that hint there’s a shadowy changeling amongst us.

The Xanwood ruse, as it is now called by the BlueZer0 staff, is a well crafted story, we believe, created by the Shadow to throw off nosey bloggers, moms of fat people, mocking Waterford types and perhaps most importantly, immigration agents of Homeland Security and their investigation into the washer woman Consuela’s visa status. To throw them off of what? This is the main question that needs answering. A quick and accurate answer is best because the fall off of cell phone and internet chatter in shadowy circles leading up to the holy days of Good Friday and Easter Sunday have us convinced an event of great significance is nigh. The Investigation continues...

-Decanus

It has come to the attention of the BlueZer0 staff that the whereabouts and health of the Shadow as reported in earlier posts may be misleading. We now suspect much of the explanation put forth detailing the cause and treatment for PTSD and carpal tunnel syndrome was and is a cover story. A ruse not unlike those put forth by American White House Administrations.

Recently, the Shadow (long known to insiders for enjoying his beer) provided to BZ’s payroll section a hand written, scribbled note detailing his demands to be paid in wine of exact vineyard and vintage. In part, he claimed this change necessary to help better his health and new lifestyle choices. It is not unusual to expect a patient to be encouraged to ignore his thirst for beer during a lengthy recovery at Xanwood. We believe it unlikely the Shadow was encouraged by the staff to indulge in another type of alcoholic beverage.

Although it is too early in our newly launched investigation into this Shadowy intrigue to come to any conclusions, we have found this interesting tidbit of new information to be considered along with the payroll change demands mentioned above: An exclusive health clinic is located on the campus of the Xanwood Minimum Security Mental Hospital in Nuclear Springs, New Jersey.



Known to the swanky set as the “Elizabeth Taylor Clubhouse," it is rumored to be a boot camp styled fat farm used by many chubby celebrities to tone up before an expected encounter with the flashing cameras of the paparazzi at movie premiers, high profile weddings and court hearings.

We believe there is much more to this latest chapter of the Shadow’s personal saga and we are confident that it has little to do with PTSD or carpal tunnel syndrome. The investigation is now full on and we will expose the truth!

-Decanus

Editor's note: Nearly lost to history for a second time, many manhours of tedious data retrieval work by Pimples Malone, TZR’s archival database specialist, was required to reassemble this important work of historical writing from several old The Zero Recusancy website postings.

Self-loathing, brooding, shame and anger. These are the emotions thickening the air like stale crackers added to a salty microwavable soup at the BlueZer0 home office. Kevin Federline now has his own search engine on the web. Having no fear of going toe to toe with Google, Britney’s cuckold has leap frogged past Bluezer0 and hopped right into the internet’s biggest circus tent. “That should be us, we should be a contender,” barks BZ’s webmaster in a voice that echoes through the office’s indoor shooting range along with the booms of large caliber rounds going off. “If only the Shadow was funnier or, better yet, caught on Youtube in some perverted sado sex scandal, we would have big time press coverage and we would be making Google kinda’ loot!” He continues, "God, we’re less popular than Gay-fed! Hey man, pass me another beer!"

-Decanus

Does the state of world lizardry have you feeling gloomy? Can’t afford quality mental health care? Well, if you own a Macintosh you’re in luck. Free psychotherapy, yes free! Just logon to your OS X: In terminal, type emacs and then press return. Press esc, then x, and now type the word doctor, press return. At the prompt type a brief description of your troubles and then press return twice. Lean back on that couch and keep replying. The session is free!

-Decanus

Black Jesus, a cult leader and David Icke rival for the title of Craziest Son of God, kills then eats his sex slaves!

-Decanus

Shadow,

I am assuming that your non-response to my email regarding the yet to be posted story Absinthe Night At The Waterford is due to one of two possibilities or maybe both. First, you are way too busy humping Consuela the washer woman now that you've liberated some of those lil' blue pills during your recent hospital stay. Or second, you've found twenty bucks on the sidewalk and are enjoying the two pizza special from Pat's for the second day in a row. If you don't respond soon, I'll further assume that your silence is confirmation of both or at least one of my earlier assumptions.

-Decanus

“On Sunday begins the Chinese Year of the Pig and it’s going to suck big time," said ex-Makati feng shui mistress and now thobe and bashiya wearing Riyadh guest worker E. R. Navarro.

The pig is one of the animals of the Chinese zodiac(which includes a lizard like dragon) on a 12-year lunar calendar cycle. Each animal year is associated with five elements: metal, water, wood, fire and earth. Normally, couples like to hump like rabbits so they can have babies born during the Year of the Pig because the child is more likely to grow up being hardworking and lucky. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hillary(the cross dressing ghost of Richard M. Nixon) are pigs.

However, soon the shit comes down according to many fortune tellers and others in the know. “This Pig Year is dominated by fire and water which means conflict and skirmish," so said Makati bartender and BBW squeezer Borge, “it’s going to be shitty! Ugly happenings between the fat bellied pork eatin’ Americans and all those pig hating Mohammedans."

Feeling all this negativity, I decided to do what any bored asshole with a Tiger sign would do, I checked out my Year of the Pig Horoscope. Tiger Rating: 65% (9 favorable, 1 neutral and 2 unfavorable months).

Decanus

As many of you know, I’ve been busy with my investigation into the disappearance of Jared Buckalew. Digging deep into the old files of TZR’s Advanced Concepts Office archives for clues I have discovered this overlooked satellite image:

Confirmed as authentic by ACO archive specialist Pimples Malone, this photo clearly shows the outline of a winged Biaviian Mothership hidden/buried deep below the grounds of the former Realm of the Tooth. The outline of the ship's body in a lighter gray than the rest of the surrounding ground color is possibly made so by early morning sunlight and large amounts of overnight diesel exhaust particulates mixed with truckers’ urine.

Decanus

Where’s the Buckalew Bonzai? Pictured above with Tan's colorful spaceship travel pass buttoned to his field jacket, Jared has gone missing. No sightings, no foul smell of clove cigarette smoke on the wind. All email and phone contacts are dead. Mike Wilsey reports ufo activity at the old Realm of the Tooth is at all time lows. I’m worried about Jared's disappearance and its possibilities for mankind.

Decanus

This is my pick for January. Check it out: Click this!
While your wastin' time lookin' at silly crap on the web, check out this runner up: Click here!

Decanus

Unnamed and unreliable sources have come forth with news and photos of the long missing David Lindh.

Davey, ex-Amazon.com associate, roman antiquities huckster, feral feline caretaker, architecture student and long absent from our lives, has abandon all to save the planet from the evils of mankind. He has joined Greenpeace.

Davey, seen above being “Rodney King-ed” during Greenpeace Operation Save the Portuguese Sand Tick, has yet to answer any email regarding his new life/career choice.

AUCKLAND: Police arrest Davey and other Greenpeace “chickens” after they locked themselves to a clamped trailer in a protest intended to stop the production and distribution of genetic engineered animal feed.

Hey Davey, we love you man. Bet you look good on your zodiac inflatable with sea spray in your hair. Go get those whale hunting bastards!