The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Port Columbus International Airport – Regular readers will recall that, after reportedly being smothered [to death “accidentally”] by an adult film star’s ass, Decanus Picto was sighted, first at a Turkish restaurant in Grove City, and then just days later he was photographed in North Korea, where he was being led around in what looked like a slightly less than voluntary way. While there were rumors that the always-mysterious Picto might have been the exiled son of Kim Jong-Il, and that North Koreans might have believed the same types of wacky things about him as they believe about their “Eternal President,” Kim Il-Sung, and his recently-deceased son, Kim Jong-Il, these have proven nothing but shameless frauds, trumped up by our informant, Kim Il-Smith, just to get twenty dollars from us [In an unrelated incident, Il-Smith has since been beaten up, and robbed of twenty dollars. – Ed.], and Decanus has safely returned to America. He landed at 3:20 this afternoon at Port Columbus International Airport, where he addressed the media – and BlueZer0 was there. The media fervor was created due to the fact that Picto’s visit commenced just three days before North Korea announced that it was willing to cease all nuclear weapons tests, shut down their uranium enrichment program, and allow UN and IAEA inspectors to monitor activities linked to these programs. While these two things may, under other circumstances, have seemed like coincidences, it is known that Picto spent his entire time in North Korea closeted with the country’s new leader, Kim Jong-un. This, of course, has led to speculation that Picto in fact negotiated the country’s peaceful new position in an effort to attract the attention of the electorate.

Picto, claiming that he did in fact die under that Colombian whore’s ass.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Pyongyang – Last week’s sighting of the so-called Pecanus Dicto may or may not have been real, but in any case Decanus Picto is back in the news. The Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) has released a single photograph of Picto arriving at the Kim Il-Sung Administrative Center. The picture is dated February 23rd, four days after Picto was sighted at Grove City’s now-famous Kabob Palace.

Decanus Picto being escorted through customs by North Korean “greeters.”

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Grove City – A crowd has formed outside the famous Kabob Palace Turkish restaurant and bar, but not because the people of Ohio love Turkish-style lamb. Instead, they’re here because some jack off claims to have sighted Decanus Picto in the back, slicing meat off a rotating spit. Yeah. That’s why I had to take a bus all the way to Grove City. Some guy and his wife claim Picto is alive.

Grove City’s famous Kabob Palace, where Picto was allegedly sighted by a drunken jerk off. [Reports indicate that he was actually a jack off – ed.]

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Bogotá, Colombia – According to BlueZer0 sources, Decanus Picto, erstwhile BZ CEO and POTUS candidate-turned-Satanic squirrel-worshipping space musician, has died in Bogotá, Colombia. He was 46.

This is the Picto pic we’re using for the obit, cuz it’s the shit. Fuck you, too. I write perfectly good copy. I don’t see you writin’ nothin’, you retarded, big-mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk.* So shut up, bitch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie!

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Dublin [Ohio, not, like, the good Dublin] – Decanus Picto had been sort of missing in a weird way for quite a little while until this afternoon. That is, no one had seen or heard from Picto since he conducted a necromantic séance at Cornhenge, but we have to admit that we didn’t really look for him that hard. As a matter of fact, the only person who even said he was going to look was The asshole Shadow, after he conducted his own séance in the basement of the chateau. However, as we all know, The Shadow never resolved that situation, and instead stole our priceless Margaret James original, and then went to jail. So, I guess what I’m saying is that nobody actually looked for him, and given that, it’s kind of difficult to say he was missing, because how could you tell if someone’s missing if nobody looks or even makes a phone call? Anyway, this afternoon Picto surfaced via email, claiming that for the next two hours he was granting interviews to the press regarding the release of his second album. I dusted off the ol’ bus pass and jetted up there. Or, really, we went pretty slowly, and then I had to get a transfer to get to Dublin, and that took forever because I had to wait like forty-five minutes for the bus west from High street, and that sucked. But whatever. The point is that I got there, and recorded the following interview.

Picto, on the cover of Rockstar “magazine” kicking Satanic squirrel styles, and hocking his new record, Doomsday: An Electronic Soundtrack for the End Times. That’s an awesome title, right?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Things have been strange around Columbus for the past three weeks. Dark figures have been seen lurking in the backyards of quiet suburban homes, and stealing past windows left open to the cool night air. And in the morning, people are waking up to find very important things missing – their dogs. It seemed unrelated that there were strange sounds issuing from the Park of Roses late at night, when the glow of the deep-woods bonfires painted High Street a dim orange. But it wasn’t.

The goddess Danu is apparently super pissed that her dietary needs aren’t being met, and is threatening to crush people’s skulls and set the entire Earth on fire if she doesn’t get a goat by next Saturday. So, you know, let’s start looking, people.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Erstwhile BZ CEO and presidential candidate Decanus Picto claims to have been contacted recently by ancient Celtic goddess Danu, who revealed “unto” him the tenets of the church of Danu.

Decanus Picto commissioned a digital artist to recreate his vision of the goddess Danu. She’s super-fucking-hot, right? I don’t really know what her goat fetish is about, but whatever, dude. I’ll do pretty much whatever this chick says.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – I’m sure eight or ten of you recall that two articles ago the Third Fictional Reporter reported that Decanus claimed to have prevented the impeding end of the world by praying to the Celtic goddess Danu. Word on the street is that Decanus is taking things with Danu to the next level.

According to outdoor resident Santa Bum, Decanus has been starting big bonfires at night, dedicated to the goddess Danu. Don't worry, though – it's a controlled burn.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last week The Shadow confirmed that space musician, politician, and former BlueZer0 CEO Decanus Picto was the “great man” referred to in my translation of the Mayan Glyphs he photographed on the saucer that abducted him. He then predicted that Decanus Picto would go the way of Hoffa, MLK, JFK, RFK, Medgar Evers, B.I.G., John Lennon, and so on – and we all perked up and took notice. Since that time, highly unusual things have been happening.

The new and improved Decanus Picto. Now, at 7% body fat, he’s a much bigger (though, ironically, actually smaller) threat to the ladies of Clintonville, Worthington, and Northern Columbus.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – In the wake of the hacking of www.DecanusPicto.com , BZ staffers have been working around the clock, trying to repair any holes in BZ and its subsidiary sites’ security, and investigating the breach. Still operating under the assumption that this attack was politically motivated, and was perpetrated by employees of one of the major party candidates, BZ will attempt to trace the origin of the attack. We would not be surprised to find that it was launched from Alaska, Atlanta, or Chicago. In the meantime, we have decided to set up a straw poll to try to determine exactly where Decanus Picto does stand in relation to the other candidates. Please vote below.

Presidential Straw Poll: Vote For Your POTUS Favorite

Sarah Palin

Herman Cain

Barack Obama

Wayne Allen Root

Newt Gingrich

Decanus Picto

Tom Miller

Mitt Romney

Donald Trump

Ralph Nader

Ron Paul

Becky Rusher

View ResultsVote Now

Create an online survey quiz or web poll

Sarah Palin0%

Herman Cain0%

Barack Obama0%

Wayne Allen Root0%

Newt Gingrich0%

Decanus Picto0%

Tom Miller0%

Mitt Romney0%

Donald Trump0%

Ralph Nader0%

Ron Paul0%

Becky Rusher0%

Other: (Please specify)0%

Create an online survey quiz or web poll

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last Saturday Decanus Picto campaign supporters opened www.DecanusPicto.com and found something they actually wanted to see – a girl. Hackers from around the world have long regarded BZ and its subsidiary sites (www.DecanusPicto.com, www.Amazon.com, www.FatSociopathicParanormalReportersUnion.com, and a host of others) as a holy grail of hacking, but until Saturday none had ever managed to breach BZ’s security protocol. This may bode ill for Decanus. As campaign season approaches, and potential candidates like Sarah Palin, that black dude that sold pizza, and that other black dude (ol’ whatshisname) begin to position themselves in their respective parties’ sights, they have found that Decanus, being his party’s only prospective candidate, has a head start on them. He even has his whole campaign platform worked out ahead of time. Their supporters and tech-savvy character assassins have, therefore, become desperate and breached the security of our well-guarded website, and have attempted to slander Picto by associating him with super-hot chicks, even though Jesus clearly states that super-hot chicks are bad.

This super-hot chick, who appears to be some kind of naughty nurse or French maid, was for several hours the main event on www.DecanusPicto.com. Thank fuck her picture has been taken down. Otherwise, Jesus would get real mad.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

CLINTONVILLE – Days after winning the write-in vote in BZ’s album of the year contest, space musician and politician Decanus Picto has roused himself from a Boddingtons-induced stupor to comment on the situation, and update the public on his recent doings. I (what? I like this joke, and this is where I took the name from), having recently returned from the hospital after an exploding gobstobber-related incident (I’m permanently switching to SweeTarts – safety first), was there when he woke, and recorded the following interview.


The Fat Kid took this creepy picture while standing over a sleeping Decanus Picto late this afternoon. Picto gave an interview after waking, but did not sit up, or change his position in any way.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

CODY, NEBRASKA – The posts have been slow as Decanus recently spent several weeks in jail for loitering, public drunkenness, public urination, public nudity, and vandalism. However, having recently been released, Decanus has resumed his tour. I met with him just after his show at Husker’s Hub in Cody, Nebraska to break the news of the BAGD’s suicide, and the public’s response to it.

Decanus initiating an impromptu memorial for the BAGD

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

EUGENE, OR – After weeks of homelessness and industrial solvent abuse, Decanus Picto has pulled himself out of most of the mire and returned to form. I lost track of Decanus over the last two weeks because our fearless leader laid low was too depressing a sight to look at. Yesterday, however, I ran into him at the famous J T’s Lounge, in the illustrious Villa Ranchero shopping center in Box Elder, South Dakota, and found that not only is he off the hobo liquor, he’s also put together a new touring band, known as The New Biaviians. He agreed to be interviewed in exchange for a Tecate. The transcript follows.

Decanus and the New Biaviians, performing at a hole in the wall in Box Elder, South Dakota.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Eugene, OR – Since our last report Decanus’ situation has deteriorated significantly. As anyone with a basic working knowledge of electronics would have guessed, D’arcy the laptop’s battery has died, which caused Huginn and Muninn to stop functioning, leaving Decanus and the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device the only working members of the band. Any rational man would know that this problem could be fixed – Decanus could walk into any coffee shop, plug D’arcy in for a couple of hours, and be ready for another set of sidewalk space music. However, a completely delusional Decanus will not acknowledge such a possibility.

Decanus in his reduced state, performing "unplugged." In spacemusic terms, this means saying BEEP BEEP BOOP, rather than having the computer do it.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

EUGENE, OR – After Decanus’ fight with the owner of Eugene’s favorite night spot, I, of course, fled the scene to avoid incarceration for possession with intent to distribute. Afterwards, I checked our favorite places in Eugene, which seemed oddly familiar, and somehow reminded me of my Atlanta days, hanging out on Albany Avenue. In any case, Decanus was nowhere to be found. The next day I made my way back to where his truck was parked, and found him sleeping inside. He agreed to be interviewed again in exchange for a cup of coffee. The transcript follows.

Decanus was forced to perform as a street musician at this bus station in Eugene, Oregon.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Decanus and the Biaviians. From left to right: The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device, Huginn, D’arcy, Muninn, and Decanus.

EUGENE, OR – After his latest show at the Horsehead bar, Decanus gave the following interview.

DP*: What do you want, fatty?

FK: I just wanted to know how the tour without Broken Bells was going.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

EUGENE, OR – Decanus and the Biaviians’ "Lonesome No More!" tour without Broken Bells has been going strong with stops in Detroit and Flint, MI; Spearfish, South Dakota; Mission, Kansas; Grimes, Iowa; Gothenberg, Nebraska, and now they have landed in the illustrious railroad hub Eugene, Oregon.

Decanus Picto "performing" at Eugene, Oregon's Horsehead bar.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

New York – Space-Pop Duo Broken Bells, in conjunction with Presidential Candidate Decanus Picto and his backing band, The Biaviians, have announced that there will be not be a co-headlining tour.

Decanus Picto, seen here with one of his touring band members, Tanqueray, will not be touring with Space-Pop Duo, Broken Bells.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Columbus – As we all know, when Decanus Picto was abducted by aliens and sold into slavery, by spotted chicks from Venus, he started composing music in his spare time, because 12-foot pot plants tend to have that effect on people. Well, those compositions have finally seen the light of day. That is, because The Fat Kid (who should be fired. I’m just saying. . .) was unavailable, the release date and release party actually came and went with no coverage by Bluezer0. So, way to drop the ball on that one, fatty. I hope your snotty paycheck was worth it. Like he’s better than me because he pays taxes. . .

The cover art for Decanus’s new album, Long Tokes at the Gravity Well, available here.

Meet Nomie Homie, host of #NomieVision on www.twitter.com. A somewhat daily, real time, running commentary on her favorite TV shows.

Recently, shortly before one of her commentary filled tweet sessions, she took time to interview presidential candidate Decanus Picto. Since some of you may have missed it the first time on Twitter, here's your second chance. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Pennsville, NJ – As Decanus’s campaign manager, I have too many duties to spend much time posting updates, however; be informed that things are going extremely well. The Pictish One has spoken with large audiences in cities far and wide, including glamorous Camden, NJ; Pensauken, NJ; Philadelphia, PA; New Castle, DE; Bear, DE; Elkton, MD; Pittsburgh, PA; Columbus, Ohio, and other illustrious cities and towns across our great nation.

At the moment, the Decanus Picto for President Campaign is drumming up support at Pennsville, New Jersey’s famous gentlemen’s club, Melon Shakers, where Decanus spoke to four different super-hot chicks, at least one of whom may have signed up to be part of Decanus’s Legion of Hot Babes for a Better Doomsday and Post-Apocalyptic Future.

Decanus, with new Legion of Hot Babes for a Better Doomsday and Post-Apocalyptic Future member, Tanqueray.

Are you a super-hot chick? Want to join the Legion of Hot Babes for a Better Doomsday and Post-Apocalyptic Future? Send your picture with Decanus, or your picture of yourself with your Decanus Picto Print-it-Yourself Bumper Sticker-Type Thing, to the recruitment office.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – When “Big Gunny Wayne” sent his latest big-wordy email (a word of advice: big [and/or misused] words do not equal good writing), Decanus was off on the long and dusty campaign trail, and could not be bothered to answer. However, having arrived back in Ohio, bearing many exclusively Philadelphian treats (do you even know what a Wawa is?), he has taken four minutes to reply. With his thumbs.

Picto '12 issued staff wireless communication apparatus (File Photo)

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Dover – Decanus Picto, 2012 presidential election frontrunner, has taken to the campaign trail to drum up support for his election, and to get young people from all over the country to sign up for their chance to be a Decanus Picto 2012 Mine Slave.

Decanus Picto, pictured here in front of Helen’s Famous Sausage House in Dover, Delaware, which is the preferred suicide spot for many world-weary Delawareans.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Independent 2012 presidential candidate Decanus Picto held another press conference Wednesday, in the famous Back Parking Lot Event Center and Pavilion. The press release announcing the conference described it as a rebuttal to President Obama’s recent back to school speech in which he addressed the nation’s children.

Pages two and three of Decanus Picto’s seven-page press release. They are mostly illegible.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – This afternoon northern C-town had some extra traffic as former BZ owner and CEO, Decanus Picto, held a press conference in the much-storied Back Parking Lot Event Center and Pavilion.

Decanus’s eye-ruining campaign poster, unveiled at the press event this afternoon.