Chapter 1:
There was a man in the land of New Castle County whose name was Jarob; and that man was perfect and upright, and one who feared lizards and eschewed logic. And there was born unto him a daughter. His substance also was a double wide trailer, a wiener dog, a few cats, and a girlfriend with fat titties, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men in New Castle County. And Jarob abstained from voting, and disbelieved the propaganda of newspapers, and feared only lizards. And Jarob spread the word of lizards faithfully as he had found it written in the sacred texts, and the son of God was well pleased with him in all ways. Thus did Jarob continually. Now there was a day when the fat people of New Castle County were gathered, and Jarob, coming across them, knew that it was his duty to spread the word faithfully as he had read it in the sacred texts. Thereon, he began to expound the theory of lizards, and reptilian bloodlines, pederasty amongst said lizards, blood drinking, and the ritual sacrifice of children with either blond or red hair and fair skin. Upon hearing such things the gathered fat people began to taunt Jarob, saying such things as, "You're a fucking retard, dude," and "Just because the government does shadowy shit, and Bush is turning the country into a three thousand mile wide concentration camp, doesn't mean he's a lizard. What the hell is wrong with you?" And Jarob said, "Mocked I came out of the earth, and mocked shall I return thither. The son of God giveth knowledge, and the knowing shall be mocked until proven right. Blessed be the name of the son of God."

In preparation for race day, elected officials in Atlanta have opted to move the city itself into a fallow field in Dover, Delaware, rather than force its more than three million residents to stray into yankee territory alone. The South truly has risen again.

Here we see the home of Atlanta billionaire Ted Turner.

For the past several months no one has seen or heard of erstwhile delivery boy and present day health food merchant Jared Buckalew. Rumors went flying, but none quite so high as that the day had come for him to take that last ride into the ether with pot dealer and post-traumatic-stress-disorder-sufferer Riley Martin.

First, more than a year ago all internet access had been cut off at Buckalew’s Waterford estate, and then more recently – no one can say how recently – phone service was cut, following which long time resident couch-weight Victoria made a hasty retreat to Missouri or Iowa or some other place equally in love with Toby Keith. All of this coincided with the apocalyptic predictions in recently released government studies showing that not only were humans responsible for global warming, but that it would continue unabated for centuries whether we stop polluting or not.

It seemed, in short, like a systematic shut down of Buckalew Palace in preparation for The Coming of Tan, an alien who claims his interstellar Dart bus will make a stop on earth just as the planet becomes uninhabitable. Jared, bell-wether of all things celestial and long time Space-Dart ticket holder, made no effort to contact any fat people, thereby raising suspicion that he was trying to slip out of the atmosphere unnoticed to avoid being asked for a ride to another suitable planet by those unticketed slobs who could offer neither gas, grass, nor ass.

I, The Shadow, shining beacon of hope for underground resistors and unsatisfied women alike, have since come out of retirement to investigate.

On February third of this year, I was approached by the Fat Kid, who told the following story:
“Yo, I went to Jared’s trailer, like, to see what the deal was with him, like if he was still alive, you know? And he wasn’t there.”

After delivering such masterful oratory, he told me he left the following note:
Jared,
The Fat Kid was here just making sure you were still alive, but then I got hungry and had to leave.
Jeff the Fat Kid

On receiving such a shocking report, I revved up the Trans Am and motored out to the palatial trailer park that Jared calls home, where I found things looking grim indeed. The cat’s water dish was frozen solid, the porch steps were splintered and rickety, and there was no car in the driveway, leading me to believe that Jared had left the scene to meet Tan at a secret landing space, rather than Tan swinging by to pick up his homie.

Despite the sticker on the storm door indicating the estate was protected by a .357 Magnum, I proceeded to investigate the extensive grounds. The Fat Kid’s note was still there on the steps, weighted down with a rock. The blinds were closed on every window, and no servants answered my knock – they must have been dismissed. The tool shed bore numerous signs of being old, and the lawn, though reasonably well maintained, could offer no absolute proof that Jared had been there.

Finding no clues to Jared’s whereabouts, I returned to the Trans Am to think. Other than outer space, where would Jared go? Suddenly, as strokes of genius often arrive, I deduced that if Tan hadn’t picked him up, Jared could only be at one of two places – the 7-11, or his dealer’s estate.

His dealer’s estate being the next lot over, Jared wouldn’t have driven. As no car was in sight, I could tell where my next stop should be.

The 7-11 was deserted, as though no prosperous young cashiers had been there for hours. The cigarette cases were well-stocked, so I could see that I hadn’t passed him on the way back! My only conclusion could be that Tan had finally come, and in a surprisingly Jesusy move, had picked up those believers who had given him money, and left the infidels and heretics to suffer through the rapture. And so it is with great solemnity that I say, readers, these are the last days. On this austere occasion, in our last hours, let us maintain whatever human dignity is left, by not trampling each other as we make our way to the gun stores. There are pistols enough for all. And make no mistake – pistols must be the solution, for who could stand to live through the coming days? Be wise, friends. Purchase pistols from my website shadowpistols.com, and shuffle off this mortal coil (guaranteed when used as directed).

Good-bye friends! What a world, what a world, what a world. . . .

The Shadow

Ed.s note: Jared has since been located, and confirms that Tan has not come, nor is the world to end.

Shadow Reporting

On Monday, gas station assistant manager and German feudal lord Count Mikhëil von Wilsey of Verzögert Castle, Saxony, made a shocking revelation to the press, claiming that he was in fact the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s five month old baby Dannielyn.

When asked whether it was true that he was actually a virgin, the Count said, “No, there was this girl, you wouldn’t know her. She was from Albany.” When asked whether that was the only girl he had ever been with, and whether he actually knew how to perform the reproductive act, he said, “As Count of Saxony, I order you to be quiet.”

The Count told Bluezer0 that “Anna started getting gas here when she was driving to the Bahamas. It’s pretty far to get there. She came up to the booth one time, and asked why the prices were so high, and I said, ‘That’s the highway, this is robbery.’ She must have laughed for half an hour. I actually thought she was sick or something. Or high. She was high a lot.”

Count von Wilsey gave detailed information about Anna’s bitchin’ Camaro, claiming in a significant tone that he often checked her oil, and that he refilled her windshield washer fluid reservoir several times.

The Count claims his fortune has run out, and that the only things he has left are the family seat in Saxony and his title, which was what Anna Nicole was after. The marriage they planned, which would have given her the title of Countess, was thwarted by lawyer and talk show host Howard K. Stern who was one of several men hittin’ dat, but the Count said he was willing to sell her a lesser title for certain favors, and large tips at the full service pump.

“As lord of Saxony and surrounding bergs, it is within my power to create and sell lesser titles appertaining to those areas. So, I might have made her Viscountess or something. It depends on how many times total, and how often I was allowed to check her oil. If it was too low, I only would have given her the title of Baroness, or even Baronetess, which is lesser by three steps, and the peasants don’t respect you as much.”

Most of the Count’s trysts with Anna were in his shared corner office on JFK Memorial Highway, he said. “She was really into the fake fern. She didn’t really know it was fake. She was amazed that it could grow in there because there are no windows so she thought it was magic or something. She used to hide heroin in there sometimes, too. Christ, I wonder if there’s any left. I’ll have to get rid of it.”

The heroin left in the plastic plant was very high grade, cooked up smooth, and very small doses were seriously effective, indicating Anna had good sources, probably direct from Afghanistan, or the eastern edge of Uzbekistan where the poppy crop is generally early and strong.

Only rarely did they meet at Count von Wilsey’s corner penthouse in Admiral’s Club Apartments, located in a swanky section of Kirkwood Highway near the famous Melrose Place. Mostly they met late at night, when the Count’s father wasn’t home. “She would come over and bring Taco Bell, and we would watch Sanford and Son on Nick-at-Night. Or what do they call it now, TVLand or something like that? Anyway, we’d watch that, or Three’s Company, or Cheers or something. Whatever was on, really.”

It was during one of these late night trysts that Dannielyn was conceived, von Wilsey said. “I was all about the rhythm method, but she insisted on hooking up raw-dog all the way ‘til the end no matter when she was supposed to ovulate.” Asked precisely when “the end” was, Count Mikhëil said, “Pretty much as soon as she got in the door. Sometimes she would hug me, and it was all over. Literally.” That was gross.

Currently, Anna Nicole’s former lawyer Howard K. Stern, and fake royal Prince Frederic von Anhalt claim to be the father, and plan on a paternity test. When the paternity test shows that neither Stern nor von Anhalt is the father, the Count says, he will step in and call for his own test, which will show that he should get custody of the child, and her money.

The Fat Kid Reporting

The Buckalew estate has long been the scene of mysterious doings and strange meetings. First, his über-hot common-law wife disappeared and was replaced by the unemployable couch-weight we've seen in recent years, then strange UFO sightings said to have to do with The Coming of Tan, and now Buckalew has displayed his mastery of the art of reanimation.

Insiders report that Buckalew has brought his dead fish back to life with all the ease and facility an earth doctor shows in screwing the working poor. His method is so simple, organic, and ingenius it was doubtlessly given to him by Biaviians. Each day he adds material from an air tight canister, labelled "Wardley Betta Food" to his fish's tank. Since this is the only action he takes regarding the fish, it follows that this is the cause of the new life given to the long dead creature.

The long dead fish sporting a fluffy white coat of fungus that sprung to life after the mysterious "Buckalew Treatment."

Bluezer0 scientists maintain that the continuous addition of "Wardley Betta Food" creates an environment rich in the vitamins, minerals, and organic matter necessary for fungal growth, and that this is how Jared was able to give new life to his dead fish. A Bluezer0 biologist said "Though the fish has not regained its own life, it has been given new life in that the new fungus growing from its corpse, and the bacterial life that will soon engulf the tank, have been created, as it were, by Buckalew's new method."

Doctors around the globe are stunned, and intent on finding a source for "Wardley Betta Food." The guys at Petco had run out, and suggested they try Pet Smart.

The Fat Kid reporting

By popular demand, Bluezer0 will take a hiatus from covering weighty news like the conflicts in east Africa and Baghdad. With a resounding “Dude, chill,” our readers have indicated that their interest lies elsewhere. So, we have set about gathering entertainment news relevant to our particular journalistic style.

To wit; before The Shadow’s foray into the Middle East, MTV camera crews shot some test reels of The Shadow’s home for an upcoming episode of Cribs. Once the network realized that only four people know who or what The Shadow is, they scrapped the idea, and tossed the film. A source in California has provided me with still shots from those reels. So, Bluezer0 will soon present our own written version of MTV’s Cribs, which will be called Hizzles, Which is Similar to but Legally Distinct from Cribs. Check for updates on this and other thrilling stories here at Bluezer0.com or .net or whatever we are!

The Fat Kid reporting

Fat Kid’s note: I contacted The Shadow at DiscountPharmacopeia.com Presents the Xanwood Minimum Security Mental Hospital in Nuclear Springs, New Jersey, and he agreed to add his own comments to the following pictorial.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

The Shadow's recovery at Xanwood isn't going so well. The number and intensity of his panic attacks has increased, and other health problems (not least of which is carpal tunnel) are keeping him from too much typing. So, I will be filling in for The Shadow for a little while.

Next: Jesus Must Be Stopped!

A Semi-Coherent Rant by that most corpulent of bloggers, The Fat Kid

The Fat Kid Reporting. . .

Fat Kid’s Note: Having been missing in action for quite a while now, I have tracked down The Shadow at his home in Newark, Delaware, and asked him to respond to allegations that he is calling in sick, as it were, while he spends his days luxuriating in his shadowy apartment, with which we’re all so familiar. The Shadow interview follows.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

BAGHDAD -- Tens of thousands of people lining the streets shouting “Death to America!” and “Leave, occupier!” did not stage a protest according to White House press secretary Tony Snow. The non-protesters burned and stomped on American flags during a completely coincidental street meeting that was neither planned nor organized, and was actually a show of solidarity with America’s effort to bring democracy to the stricken nation.

The Fat kid reporting. . .

Vonnegut, who once said, “I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations,” was obviously, and almost by that fact alone, The Fat Kid’s favorite writer.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

The president and his top advisors have issued a statement criticizing bees, and characterizing them, as well as ice floes, polar bears, and forest dwelling animals, as unpatriotic and not supportive of our troops.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

MINNEAPOLIS - A recent study published in the New England Journal of Medicine shows definite links between the cognitive abilities and behavioral patterns of republicans and autistic people. The study was an interdepartmental venture between the neurology and psychology departments of the University of Minnesota at Minneapolis.

The Shadow reporting. . . with contributions from The Fat Kid

A series of storylets that are better than nothing.

Bluezer0 readers ask the questions you've been dying to. . .

Here at Bluezer0 we receive tons of email each day, usually from our connection in Mexico who can get us real cheap Viagra, or that crazy guy who is dying to buy my time share. Those guys never take their minds off work. But sometimes we get mail from other people, so we’ve decided to start a new feature Ask A Fat Guy.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

WASHINGTON -- Character actor Fred Thompson, who has been in such cinematic masterpieces as Days of Thunder, Die Hard 2: Die Harder and Aces: Iron Eagle III, has been called upon by the republican party’s Office of Satanic Rituals to run for president.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

NEWARK – Gearing up for election day is something no one wants to deal with. The democrats don’t much care as long as they get to play Playstation 3 at their desks, and the republicans continue to forward candidates stupid enough to take the Bible literally, while the American people force themselves to believe what, to anyone with a critical eye, is utterly unbelievable: that they’re doing anything at all. Who could tolerate that without an assortment of prescription antacids?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

NEWARK – The candidates met on neutral ground for the first ever Fourth Party Debate: The McDonald’s parking lot on the corner of Chestnut Hill Road and Harmony Road. The location was chosen not only because there was food, but also to provide public access to the debate. Unlike the stuffy mainstream debate forums, we didn’t want security guards hand-picking audience members, using a metal detector to check for pistols, or keeping wackos with aluminum foil in their hats from asking questions about the secret government weather machine – we welcome the wackos and their weather machine questions, and we have pistols of our own in case the shit comes down.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

NEWARK – That fat fucker known only as The Shadow has been missing from the Bluezer0 scene for quite a while now, and we here in the offices have been wondering why. We speculated that he had been arrested, murdered, evicted, or that his internet had been shut off, but then another solution emerged – that he was preparing to move to that wondrous metropolis, Columbus, Ohio.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

NEWARK -- Over the next few days Bluezer0’s minion, The Shadow, will be altogether Incommunicado while maintaining Radio Silence, both of which are, by the way, titles of lesser known (but still very good) Harvey Danger songs.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

TBILISI, GEORGIA (the former Soviet state, not the unfortunate US state) -- As reported by CNN.com, two Russian fighter jets violated Georgian air space and dropped a bomb that failed to explode, according to Georgian officials.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

WASHINGTON -- George W. Bush’s top political adviser, Karl Rove, was recalled to hell after serving an earthbound stint of 1300 years. After securing his place in history by stealing two presidential elections, and catalyzing the coming apocalypse, Rove found that his work for the Dark Lord was finished, and he was free to return to his master and be rewarded for having worked so hard.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- As the many millions of BZ readers around the world know, The Shadow has packed up and moved to Ohio, of all places, to go to school. The course events followed, however, was not orderly.

A BZ Staff Article. . .

NEWARK -- Over the past several years Delaware has been the seat of BlueZer0, and it’s predecessor The Zero Recusancy, for strategic reasons. It was the long-time Earth location of The Realm of the Tooth, and home to our most important source of news, insider of the doom-sayer community and inveterate altered consciousness spokesperson, Jared Buckalew.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- Just a day after BlueZer0 reported that The Shadow had been ousted from the [Censored] State University, and had, like a disgruntled Aristotle, opened his own school, L’École des Beaux-Lézards I spoke with that very same Shadow on the neutral ground of O’Ryan’s Pub.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- Inside the famed Triad Lounge, where members of Columbus high society meet to get trashed and tossed out (and later to throw up out the car window on the way home), the release party for The Shadow’s first book Bright Clouds, Dark Shadows has commenced.

Columbus’s most famous night spot, the Triad Lounge, where Britney Spears held her much-storied bukkake-themed birthday party.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS - Midnight has come and gone here in Columbus, as has the official release of The Shadow's eBook.

Available exclusively here at BlueZer0.net, Bright Clouds, Dark Shadows.

A Decanus-Fat Kid Joint. . .

COLUMBUS -- As BlueZer0 staff and crew were settling into their spacious hobo camp-adjacent digs, several workers uncovered what turned out to be a Biaviian antigravity device on loan to the Buckalew estate.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- Having been busy with mad École des Beaux Lézards business, former Bluzer0 lead reporter The Shadow hasn’t checked in for several months. But, being pissed over the missed ghost story opportunity, he has decided to show up post-Halloween and set up a trap for whatever ghosts there may be haunting Chåtéåü Clîntønvîllé.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- Just a day ago The Shadow held a seance here at Chåteau Clintonville to find out the nature of the haunting in Båtiment 4040. After the late night seance, The Shadow and the sultry and very-quiet-when-necessary (trust me) Consuela availed themselves of the opportunity to sleep indoors (as opposed to in their barn-school), choosing not to leave until afternoon, which is as early as they are accustomed to waking.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- Just after government planes left geometrically significant chem-trails in a wide-ranging pattern over Maison de Ombre er, gros gosse, it seems that they returned to do a thorough job. The clouds were overhead all day, dumping masses and masses of frozen mind-altering chemicals on all of Columbus in an apparent effort to silence The Shadow.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- Reports of strange objects over the past few days have escalated, so I staked out the exclusive back parking lot area of Chåteau Clintonville, remaining hidden, raccoon-like, behind a dumpster in hopes of catching a glimpse of the visitors. For several hours I heard strange noises among the leaves and bushes, which turned out to be the tossing of Natural Light cans from the back of a gray conversion van. Disappointed, I buckled down again, and waited.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- After days of hiding out, I returned to my apartment hoping to find it at least partly in tact after the alien invasion of both the parking lot and my kitchen. Though all my Fritos™ were gone, and somebody drank a couple of my beers (unlike his Shadowy highness, I drink beer [because seriously, I’m totally a different person]), nothing was seriously wrong at first glance.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

CHÅTEAU CLINTONVILLE -- Just two days after L’École Des Beaux Lézards proprietor and BZ confidant The Shadow was caught sneaking around the grounds of the government installation now known as Area 4041, and prophesied that the government and their salesaliens would take some kind of action, I captured the following very real and disturbing video of an alien craft right outside the window of the BZ offices.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . . .

It has come to the attention of BlueZer0 staff that our report on Jared's having been ousted from the family estate was incorrect. Therefore we submit this retraction until we receive concrete evidence to the contrary.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- Before the false Jared report, the last thing you loyal readers heard from that fattest of all reporters, Me, was that we here at our respective Chateaux were hunkering down for an attack perpetrated by the recently-pissed off aliens of Area 4041. Well, we’re alive, however briefly, and back to tell the story.

A consumer protection feature by everyone’s favorite butterball, The Fat Kid. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- After weeks and weeks of trying to get their saucers and shitty Venetian-made (they’re just like America, but they have slightly more hydrochloric acid in their atmosphere) computer hardware to function properly, it looks as if the government/Venetian goons of Area 4041 are back at it. As you know, they failed in their first attempt to retaliate against BZ for outing their plans of world domination through mind control drugs and intra-sycamore computers that interrupt brain wave frequencies, as outlined in The Shadow’s eBook, and that their attempt at an attack was an embarrassment to illuminati and “freedom haters” everywhere.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- As I was stumbling home from the titty bar Monday night, I stopped for a second to dig my keys out of my my otherwise empty pocket, when I saw a note sticking out from under my door. The writing was indecipherable Alienese. I immediately rushed to the BZ offices, note in hand, but the offices were completely empty. At that hour, there’s only one person on staff, anyway -- BZ owner/CEO Decanus. But he wasn't there. There was only eerie silence.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- Being utterly lootless, and therefore powerless to ransom BZ owner/CEO Decanus from his vicious Biaviian captors, the entire BlueZer0 organization had a brainstorming session last night. It ended early due to infighting, however, being the only attendant possessed of pen and paper I did manage to record the following suggestions:

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus -- Two days ago I was summoned to L’École Des Beaux Lézards, the school so secret that you can’t even get the address. The Shadow, who is owner, president, and professor at L’École is also dean of the Department of Technology, and it was to this department that I was summoned (which is to say, the Northeast corner of the barn, where the work bench is).

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- BZ staffers have worked for days now trying to decode the message concealed in Decanus’s use of Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” to communicate with the people of earth. However, as one may have expected, they came up with relatively little. One staffer said, “Isn’t there, like, a book called that, and it, like, has the N-word in it or something? I was s’posed to read that in the ninth grade. But I didn’t.” Another proclaimed, “Dude, it says he gets high. That dude from the song gets high, man. You totally know he does, too.”

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- Weeks after Decanus’s abduction by the aliens, little has changed. There have been zero donations to the (Canadian) Dollars for Decanus fund, our total savings remains 25¢ Canadian, and there has been no word from Decanus, other than cryptic messages picked up by the Shadowtronic listening device.

The Shadowtronic device recently said some shit from some scary Tool song or other, and Maynard James Ivory Wayans-Keenan was all whispering and everything.

The Third (and final) Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville -- After many weeks of tense waiting, and working a menial job just to stay afloat at his luxurious Chateau, The Fat Kid finally received his Alienese decoder pin, which cost him many, many box tops. Plus a 41¢ stamp.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- Since discovering the errors in The Shadow’s translation of the Alienese letter, a lot has been going on at the Chateau. After taking time off from my job cleaning out the mouse traps at Subway, and trying to get the Biaviians to call me back, my first step was to try to find The Shadow.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville -- Amidst the toil and trouble of re-starting the search for Decanus, beginning with nothing but the knowledge that he had been sold to “other aliens,” and that outer space is freaking infinite, I received an email from the man himself!

A Decanus-Fat Kid Joint. . .

As recent headlines shout out stories of aliens and NASA astronauts like carnival barkers trying to sell tickets to see the fat bearded lady, BlueZer0.net's investigative team goes behind the tents and into the compound of carnival workers' trailers in search of real stories, as told by real engineers, of aliens and their technology exchange with the Military Industrial Complex.

A Decanus-Fat Kid Joint. . .

A SECRET LOCATION -- Following our theme of investigative interviews, BZ tracked down a former US Navy engineer to try to recover information about the development of the military's secret stealth project. He agreed to an interview, but demanded that we shield his identity.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- More than two months after his latest post, I located The Fat Kid. Pimping mad journalistic/stalking skills that should at least land me a better name than The Third Fictional Reporter, I scouted him out unawares in the Upper Arlington neighborhood of Columbus. I mean, actually I was just visiting the drive-through liquor store, and he was walking out, but I’m saying, I noticed he was there, which ought to be worth a real name, at least.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- Two months after my abrupt departure from my Clintonville Chateau, I have resurfaced due to the not-so-subtle prompting of The Third Fictional Reporter. Though I had planned to stay underground for several months more, it is just as well because I have a wealth of information to share with the UFO community.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- Just a few days after I left Clintonville I began to explore the Upper Arlington area in search of employment. It took a lot of time and effort, but I prevailed and found minimum wage work, which is $2 an hour more than I got cleaning out mouse traps, so I was very pleased with my new situation.

The Fat Kid’s new place of business. Apparently he fits in there. I can’t believe it, either.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- After grappling unsuccessfully with the mystery of the Mexican Chateau, I turned my attention to the surrounding area to see whether it would yield any clues to this mystery. UFO researchers and Fortean writers like John A. Keel love to remind us that unexplained phenomena are frequently observed in or over bodies of water, dumps, stone circles, junk yards, and cemeteries, so the first thing I did was head to the cemetery across the highway. I was not disappointed.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- My exploration of the area immediately beyond the stone circle seemed at first to be slightly disappointing -- it is a bike path, which means lots of skinny people in tight shorts who see instantly that I don’t belong there. However, recalling the satellite image of this area, and the game trails it reveals, I decided to walk around just a little and see whether there was anything suspicious back there. Again, I was not disappointed.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- As predicted in my last report, The Shadow has contacted me regarding the situation here in Upper Arlington. In an email dated September 29, that ape-like fucker gave me an extended report on the goings on in this area. That report is as follows:

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- It took me quite a while to find The Shadow. He wasn’t usually at home under the bridge when I showed up, and several times he heard me coming and ran out the other side at sasquatch-speed, and was therefore uncatch-up-to-able. However, late last night there was a fortuitous thundershower here in Upper Arlington, so the other side was blocked by the rising waters.

A new series, exclusively at BlueZer0.net

Clintonville -- The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device “unintentionally” pilfered from a Bear, Delaware trailer in the summer of 2007, has long been a source of mystery for BZ staffers. Though it clearly had functions other than, you know, moving things, most of the monosyllabic cretins BZ could afford to hire had no better advice on how to investigate them than, “Dude, press that button, and see what it does.” Deeming the pressing of strange buttons on alien devices ill-advised, BZ staffers of a slightly higher caliber (i.e. volunteers who are in this for the truth, rather than $3 wine), decided it should be left it alone. Until this week.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Somewhere in Downtown Columbus (location of this secret enclave of reserve power withheld) – Last Sunday, the 14th of September (the day after the suicide of my personal hero, the super-postmodernist [who hated being called a postmodernist] David Foster Wallace [link to something good about the ace of all writers forthcoming]) was the apocalypse for the Columbus alien-resistance movement. The government called in its strongest reserve forces, and deployed them in the form of a giant, super-cloudy windstorm, knocking out power – maybe permanently – for most of central Ohio, most of Columbus, and the entire Upper Arlington area. Our power here went out at approximately 4:30 EST that day (9/14), and has yet to be restored.

Extraordinary novelist and Anthony Keidis look-alike, David Foster Wallace, seen here inspecting our masthead.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- As mentioned twice already, the Great Ohio Power Outage, caused by a half-ass attempt at showering us with the mind control drug formerly known as water, was a big deal to Columbusianites, some of whom had to do without power for eight days. Your fattest pal, yours truly, was lucky and only had to do without power for seven days.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- Not all of us are fortunate enough to be able to live off the land, or directly on the land, or an abutment, like The Shadow. Some of us go days at a time without ever touching the dirt, or mud, or the poop floating down the Olentangy, and it makes us yearn for a simpler time, when a man could raise and harvest his own crop, and keep his family fed for the winter. And as a fat person, having food nearby is especially important to me.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- After many long years of waiting, and complaining -- so many years that the product line changed names from iBook to MacBook -- The Fat Kid finally sprung for the new Mac that has to last him another six+ years. It cost him his future, and the greater part of his wife’s future, but it was worth it to be the envy of former PbLFers for the few months that it’ll be state-of-the-art.

A Decanus-Fat Kid Joint. . .

Biaviian Newswire Service:

The political action committee Reptilians For The New World Order released the following statement regarding the US Presidential election.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- Just a few minutes after reading The Shadow’s revelatory article, I bolted the door to my apartment, put the shotgun by the door along with the bleach and the eyedropper, and prepared to wait out the first round of craziness. After such a shocking and dead-certain pronouncement of our demise, I expected that there would be general craziness, a mad dash after resources of all types, and especially a rush to the grocery stores to stock up on canned goods (luckily, I have a freezer filled with meat in case the shit comes down, so I didn’t need to go out). I even expected that there would be rioting and looting. Strangely enough, nothing happened.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – After several years of supplying BZ staffers with some kind of structure to hang around in the parking lot, and several months of bumping that obnoxious redneck noise known as bluegrass every Saturday morning, Gary Doe has died.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

We’ll miss you, Harry.

Harry “the K” Kalas, greatest broadcaster in the history of Illy Philly, died in Washington on Monday (4/13/09) after collapsing in the broadcast booth while preparing to announce a Phillies/Nationals game. He was 73 years old. Harry was the Phillies' play-by-play announcer for 38 years, and during that time he called every single one of Michael Jack Schmidt’s 548 home runs. Phillies fans everywhere (even those of us on the moors of Ohio) will miss Harry. If there was a god, this is where I’d start trying to negotiate a trade: we’ll give you Chris Wheeler, Gary Matthews, and a first-round draft pick to have Harry back. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After many months without hearing from BZ’s erstwhile reporter and present day troll, The Shadow, we here at the BZ offices received a cryptic missive that seems to have originated under his Shadowy Bridge.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Things are crazy in Ohio at this time of year, so there haven't been many updates to the site lately. Big things are in the works, but until they are posted, I've decided to hold you over (and keep the sponsors happy) by using content from other websites.

As many of you will be pissed off about how infrequently our site is updated, I'm sure that at least some of you will have gotten the idea of starting your own websites, which I'm sure is a great idea. To help facilitate your awesome new site, check out this tutorial:

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail51.html

And keep checking back for updates, because it will be updated soon!

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As some of you may have gathered, there is a strange new archaeological site here in Northwest Columbus, immediately east of the Mexican Chateau. A little over a year ago, state archaeologists acquired a business license and building permits, and began to raze the building that used to stand next to the Mexican Chateau, and to erect a giant monument. Construction seems to be nearing completion.

The Mexican Chateau, marked A. Immediately to the right, on the site of what was formerly an office building, an ancient monument is being restored.

A BlueZer0 staff article. . .

Clintonville – Those of you who are somewhat less drunk than I am may have noticed that Pimples Malone’s article regarding the Palm Pre street vendor, ostensibly from Venus, has been removed from the site. Though we don’t get much in the mail, we here at the BlueZer0 front office recently received what turned out to be a cease-and-desist order from lawyers representing spotted chicks from Venus, forcing us to remove the article altogether.

This cease-and-desist letter, written in Alienese, is the first of what will surely be many that BZ will receive between now and 2012, when we all die and go to hell. (And, by the way, if you can [or have figured out how to] read the original, you’re a nerd, and I’m dead certain that you have no girlfriend. Or, if you’re a girl and can read this, you are the most highly sought-after nerd girl ever. Unless you’re fat. No fat chicks.)

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – One of our frequent comment posters here at BZ lists her URL as blip.fm/anothercraze. Out of curiosity, I went to find out what the hell blip.fm was, and it turns out that it’s this radio site where you essentially set up a play list of your favorite songs so that other people can hear them. Sort of. It’s more like Twitter, only what you say is about what you’re listening to, and the people who follow your feed can listen to those songs, too, with no downloading or other cumbersome internet irritants.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Several days ago, retired welter-weight boxer Arturo Gatti, who smashed the hell out of people during his career, was found dead at a Brazilian resort, or hotel, or a property that he was renting near a resort-type place (the reporting on this detail changed several times as the case developed, and I’m still not certain which is actually true). Normally, as you know, I write obituaries for people that I like, like Harry the K, Kurt Vonnegut, and David Foster Wallace, or people who, to whatever degree, figure in with BlueZer0, like Gary Doe. Unfortunately, even though I’m still unemployed, I’ve had quite a lot going on, so I didn’t have time to post on the day he actually died. And there wasn’t really that much to report on the day he died, anyway. However, now that I have made time to do this, and now that there is actually something to report, I have to acknowledge the situation with big-time puncher, Arturo “Thunder” Gatti.

Arturo “Thunder” Gatti bled up a storm and smashed dudes in the face for a long time, and now, sad to say, he’s dead.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Here in the Fat Cave, things have been pretty calm recently due to The Shadow’s having taken the helm with his reports on Olentangea and the new/old Upper Arlington monument. However, early this morning, toward the very end of Coast to Coast AM (with George Noory), I received the following email:

Sup, man?

–Decanus

The original style space bus ticket was phased out in the summer of 2008.

After the colossal, somewhat confusing failure of our latest interactive feature, Spot the Gray, we weren’t sure whether to continue with it or not. However, after snapping a pic or two of another unsavory character, we feel that in the interest of the general public, we should continue this educational and potentially awesome feature. Our next potential gray was seen wandering through Upper Arlington late this afternoon in pajama pants, with super-long hair and prominent bald spot, drinking Mountain Dew and walking his Rottweiler. This seems to match the description of gray alien infiltrators who are parasitically inhabiting human bodies, according to The Shadow's gray alien source.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Things have been extremely quiet in Clintonville these days, which is surprising given that not long ago, BZ founder and CEO Decanus returned from a (roughly) year-long stay on Biaveh, where he worked as janitor, and space bus ticket designer. We here at the BZ offices were expecting Decanus to announce his return to BZ, or at least to hear something about his long-awaited first record, but there has been no word.

This example of Decanus’s work as space bus ticket designer is on loan from some dumb ass who paid $30 for it.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – This afternoon northern C-town had some extra traffic as former BZ owner and CEO, Decanus Picto, held a press conference in the much-storied Back Parking Lot Event Center and Pavilion.

Decanus’s eye-ruining campaign poster, unveiled at the press event this afternoon.

After two false starts with the BZ Staff’s favorite feature, Spot the Gray, we’ve decided that we just don’t care whether people like it or not, because it makes us snicker. So, without further ado, we bring you Spot the Gray 3. Our subject this week is a familiar face from the dark Delaware days, our pal and non compos mentis conspiracy insider, Jared. We chose Jared because the innuendo in part deux of the Interview with the Alien was pretty heavy handed, giving the impression that Jared is in fact one of these parasitic grays, or at least is the host for the particular gray that lives in Jared’s tool shed. So, we decided that it was important to submit photos of the man himself to scrutiny, and determine once and for all whether the he was man, or gray. Keeping in mind the guidelines given to The Shadow, we submit to you, the BZ audience (and staff), the following several pictures. Gray, or not gray?

Internet moles have recently provided us with this close-up of the J man. Can you see the gray in there?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Independent 2012 presidential candidate Decanus Picto held another press conference Wednesday, in the famous Back Parking Lot Event Center and Pavilion. The press release announcing the conference described it as a rebuttal to President Obama’s recent back to school speech in which he addressed the nation’s children.

Pages two and three of Decanus Picto’s seven-page press release. They are mostly illegible.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Dover – Decanus Picto, 2012 presidential election frontrunner, has taken to the campaign trail to drum up support for his election, and to get young people from all over the country to sign up for their chance to be a Decanus Picto 2012 Mine Slave.

Decanus Picto, pictured here in front of Helen’s Famous Sausage House in Dover, Delaware, which is the preferred suicide spot for many world-weary Delawareans.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – When “Big Gunny Wayne” sent his latest big-wordy email (a word of advice: big [and/or misused] words do not equal good writing), Decanus was off on the long and dusty campaign trail, and could not be bothered to answer. However, having arrived back in Ohio, bearing many exclusively Philadelphian treats (do you even know what a Wawa is?), he has taken four minutes to reply. With his thumbs.

Picto '12 issued staff wireless communication apparatus (File Photo)

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Pennsville, NJ – As Decanus’s campaign manager, I have too many duties to spend much time posting updates, however; be informed that things are going extremely well. The Pictish One has spoken with large audiences in cities far and wide, including glamorous Camden, NJ; Pensauken, NJ; Philadelphia, PA; New Castle, DE; Bear, DE; Elkton, MD; Pittsburgh, PA; Columbus, Ohio, and other illustrious cities and towns across our great nation.

At the moment, the Decanus Picto for President Campaign is drumming up support at Pennsville, New Jersey’s famous gentlemen’s club, Melon Shakers, where Decanus spoke to four different super-hot chicks, at least one of whom may have signed up to be part of Decanus’s Legion of Hot Babes for a Better Doomsday and Post-Apocalyptic Future.

Decanus, with new Legion of Hot Babes for a Better Doomsday and Post-Apocalyptic Future member, Tanqueray.

Are you a super-hot chick? Want to join the Legion of Hot Babes for a Better Doomsday and Post-Apocalyptic Future? Send your picture with Decanus, or your picture of yourself with your Decanus Picto Print-it-Yourself Bumper Sticker-Type Thing, to the recruitment office.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

New York – Space-Pop Duo Broken Bells, in conjunction with Presidential Candidate Decanus Picto and his backing band, The Biaviians, have announced that there will be not be a co-headlining tour.

Decanus Picto, seen here with one of his touring band members, Tanqueray, will not be touring with Space-Pop Duo, Broken Bells.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

EUGENE, OR – Decanus and the Biaviians’ "Lonesome No More!" tour without Broken Bells has been going strong with stops in Detroit and Flint, MI; Spearfish, South Dakota; Mission, Kansas; Grimes, Iowa; Gothenberg, Nebraska, and now they have landed in the illustrious railroad hub Eugene, Oregon.

Decanus Picto "performing" at Eugene, Oregon's Horsehead bar.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Decanus and the Biaviians. From left to right: The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device, Huginn, D’arcy, Muninn, and Decanus.

EUGENE, OR – After his latest show at the Horsehead bar, Decanus gave the following interview.

DP*: What do you want, fatty?

FK: I just wanted to know how the tour without Broken Bells was going.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

EUGENE, OR – After Decanus’ fight with the owner of Eugene’s favorite night spot, I, of course, fled the scene to avoid incarceration for possession with intent to distribute. Afterwards, I checked our favorite places in Eugene, which seemed oddly familiar, and somehow reminded me of my Atlanta days, hanging out on Albany Avenue. In any case, Decanus was nowhere to be found. The next day I made my way back to where his truck was parked, and found him sleeping inside. He agreed to be interviewed again in exchange for a cup of coffee. The transcript follows.

Decanus was forced to perform as a street musician at this bus station in Eugene, Oregon.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Eugene, OR – Since our last report Decanus’ situation has deteriorated significantly. As anyone with a basic working knowledge of electronics would have guessed, D’arcy the laptop’s battery has died, which caused Huginn and Muninn to stop functioning, leaving Decanus and the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device the only working members of the band. Any rational man would know that this problem could be fixed – Decanus could walk into any coffee shop, plug D’arcy in for a couple of hours, and be ready for another set of sidewalk space music. However, a completely delusional Decanus will not acknowledge such a possibility.

Decanus in his reduced state, performing "unplugged." In spacemusic terms, this means saying BEEP BEEP BOOP, rather than having the computer do it.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Gdansk, Poland – Adam “Nergal” Darski of blackened death metal band, Behemoth, has been rushed to the hospital, according to a statement on the official Behemoth website. According to unconfirmed reports (that is, message board posts) by people who are allegedly from Poland, Nergal has been taken to the Hematology Department at Gdansk Medical University Hospital, which would seem to indicate that he has leukemia, or some other form of cancer.

Nergal, the guy with the bird, is super skinny which, in retrospect, would seem like a clue that he might have been ill. And those abs aren’t really his. That’s like a I’m a tough metal guy chest plate or something. Yeah, so, the skinniness might be like a symptom. Or maybe in Poland they can actually stop eating when they aren’t hungry anymore. I wish I had that ability.

Nergal and Behemoth have been featured on BZ several times, and we like them very much even though we’re really too old to be listening to bands like that. Let’s hope that he’s OK, and that he is able to perform on the Lawless States of Heretika tour in the Fall. (Not that it's coming to Columbus or anything, but still.) Let’s also hope that he doesn’t pull a Peter Steele on us and get all religious and stuff. I mean, his whole identity is wrapped up in Satan, so it doesn’t seem like he’d do that, but. . . it didn't seem like Pete would do that, either.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

EUGENE, OR – After weeks of homelessness and industrial solvent abuse, Decanus Picto has pulled himself out of most of the mire and returned to form. I lost track of Decanus over the last two weeks because our fearless leader laid low was too depressing a sight to look at. Yesterday, however, I ran into him at the famous J T’s Lounge, in the illustrious Villa Ranchero shopping center in Box Elder, South Dakota, and found that not only is he off the hobo liquor, he’s also put together a new touring band, known as The New Biaviians. He agreed to be interviewed in exchange for a Tecate. The transcript follows.

Decanus and the New Biaviians, performing at a hole in the wall in Box Elder, South Dakota.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Gdansk, Poland – Blabbermouth.net reports that Behemoth frontman Adam “Nergal” Darski really does have leukemia. Readers may remember that on August 8th, BZ reported, based solely on message board posts, that Nergal may have leukemia. At that time all that was known was that Nergal had been taken to the Hematology Department at Gdansk Medical University Hospital, which is where you would go if you were in Poland and had leukemia. For once the douche bags on the message boards turned out to be right. And fuck them for it. Fuck them. According to Blabbemouth’s report, Nergal’s leukemia is advanced, and he is in dire need of a bone marrow transplant.

Blabbermouth.net also reports that, Nergal’s “fiancée, 26-year-old Polish pop singer Doda (real name: Dorota Rabczewska), has reportedly already donated her bone marrow but her tissue type is not believed to be a close enough match.” Just so you know, this is what his girlfriend looks like:

Holy shit, right?

Anyway, we at BZ are extremely unhappy to hear about this, and really wish that the douche bags on the message boards would just continue being wrong. Let’s hope that Adam lives to write many more records, and to have a good life in general.

Fun facts about Nergal and Doda: Nergal has the Polish equivalent of a master’s degree in history, and is qualified to work as a museum curator. Doda has an IQ of 156, is a member of Mensa, and once spit on a man on live TV because he dared to make fun of her. She is also facing two years in prison for breaking Polish blasphemy laws.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

CODY, NEBRASKA – The posts have been slow as Decanus recently spent several weeks in jail for loitering, public drunkenness, public urination, public nudity, and vandalism. However, having recently been released, Decanus has resumed his tour. I met with him just after his show at Husker’s Hub in Cody, Nebraska to break the news of the BAGD’s suicide, and the public’s response to it.

Decanus initiating an impromptu memorial for the BAGD

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Here in the Fat Cave, things are really boring. It’s cold as fuck and somewhat snowy in Ohio, and there’s nowhere to go anyway. Plus my seasonal “employment” (which is only slightly better than working as auxiliary Xmas cashier at Macy’s) is on hold until January. Plus I effectively broke my ankle (long story), so I’m not really going any damn where anyway. To stem the tide of boredom, I’m actually following through with the threat I make every year to write a top ten albums of the year list. Sort of.

This year, rather than telling you which records were the best of 2010, we’re asking readers to choose from a list that demographic research indicates are the records most frequently purchased by BlueZer0 readers. Over the next week or so, I will post a series of multimedia articles giving background on each band and record, and providing a link to one of the best songs. Readers can vote for their favorite bands by emailing sexcult@bluezer0.net. At the end of however long it takes to get all of the articles up and posted, we will announce the album of the year, and post a list indicating where each record finished in the voting.

So, check back for updates, as we continue to assist Youtube in violating the Digital Millenium Copyright Act!

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After several days of waiting, and many days of utter confusion, the outcome of the BlueZer0 Semi-Annual Album of the Year Review (now with reader participation!) has been determined in a way that. . . requires explanation. As mentioned in the above-cited article and elsewhere, BZ hired a data mining company to do demographic research on our readers and determine which records they purchased in 2010. The list furnished to us was:

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

CLINTONVILLE – Days after winning the write-in vote in BZ’s album of the year contest, space musician and politician Decanus Picto has roused himself from a Boddingtons-induced stupor to comment on the situation, and update the public on his recent doings. I (what? I like this joke, and this is where I took the name from), having recently returned from the hospital after an exploding gobstobber-related incident (I’m permanently switching to SweeTarts – safety first), was there when he woke, and recorded the following interview.


The Fat Kid took this creepy picture while standing over a sleeping Decanus Picto late this afternoon. Picto gave an interview after waking, but did not sit up, or change his position in any way.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last Saturday Decanus Picto campaign supporters opened www.DecanusPicto.com and found something they actually wanted to see – a girl. Hackers from around the world have long regarded BZ and its subsidiary sites (www.DecanusPicto.com, www.Amazon.com, www.FatSociopathicParanormalReportersUnion.com, and a host of others) as a holy grail of hacking, but until Saturday none had ever managed to breach BZ’s security protocol. This may bode ill for Decanus. As campaign season approaches, and potential candidates like Sarah Palin, that black dude that sold pizza, and that other black dude (ol’ whatshisname) begin to position themselves in their respective parties’ sights, they have found that Decanus, being his party’s only prospective candidate, has a head start on them. He even has his whole campaign platform worked out ahead of time. Their supporters and tech-savvy character assassins have, therefore, become desperate and breached the security of our well-guarded website, and have attempted to slander Picto by associating him with super-hot chicks, even though Jesus clearly states that super-hot chicks are bad.

This super-hot chick, who appears to be some kind of naughty nurse or French maid, was for several hours the main event on www.DecanusPicto.com. Thank fuck her picture has been taken down. Otherwise, Jesus would get real mad.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – In the wake of the hacking of www.DecanusPicto.com , BZ staffers have been working around the clock, trying to repair any holes in BZ and its subsidiary sites’ security, and investigating the breach. Still operating under the assumption that this attack was politically motivated, and was perpetrated by employees of one of the major party candidates, BZ will attempt to trace the origin of the attack. We would not be surprised to find that it was launched from Alaska, Atlanta, or Chicago. In the meantime, we have decided to set up a straw poll to try to determine exactly where Decanus Picto does stand in relation to the other candidates. Please vote below.

Presidential Straw Poll: Vote For Your POTUS Favorite

Sarah Palin

Herman Cain

Barack Obama

Wayne Allen Root

Newt Gingrich

Decanus Picto

Tom Miller

Mitt Romney

Donald Trump

Ralph Nader

Ron Paul

Becky Rusher

View ResultsVote Now

Create an online survey quiz or web poll

Sarah Palin0%

Herman Cain0%

Barack Obama0%

Wayne Allen Root0%

Newt Gingrich0%

Decanus Picto0%

Tom Miller0%

Mitt Romney0%

Donald Trump0%

Ralph Nader0%

Ron Paul0%

Becky Rusher0%

Other: (Please specify)0%

Create an online survey quiz or web poll

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last week’s article had mainly to do with the straw poll that was meant to show Decanus’ dominance in the field of potential presidential candidates, and it certainly does show that. Though our online poll is still accepting votes, right now Decanus has a gigantic 57% of the vote, besting unbelievably fleet-footed, anti-MLK congressman Ron Paul (who, frankly, would be better off if social pressure forced him to hide his activities) by a full 15%. Assuming BZ’s readership is a representative sample of the American public, Decanus should win the 2012 election by a landslide. But we already knew that. What we didn’t know was what our pudgiest IT guy (and that’s saying a lot) would tell us about the attack on www.DecanusPicto.com.


According to some fat guy with glasses who works on a computer all day or something, the hack attack on www.DecanusPicto.com was not launched from Chicago, Anchorage, or Atlanta, but right here in Columbus. Sort of. That is, the signal came from this alley in Worthington.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – In the wake of BZ’s almost scientifically conclusive straw poll, potential Republican candidates are hesitant to announce whether they are running in their pathetic party’s primary election.

That wacky Sarah is going to kill the other GOP candidates in the primary – if she ever cops to what we already know.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Michigan – Former Decanus Picto and the Biaviians laptop D’arcy Wretzky (also a former member of The Smashing Pumpkins), is currently in jail because of an incident involving horses.

Wretzky’s mug shot shows the effects of botched plastic surgery. Poor girl.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Worthington – As long-time readers know, BZ’s second favorite reporter, The Shadow, has been missing since July of 2010, after posting a ground-breaking article that included close-up photos of a genuine flying saucer hidden in an underground hangar at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. However, he was spotted last night at one of Worthington’s hottest night spots, PK O’Ryan’s.

The waitress, who asked that her name be withheld, totally narced on him, and said that earlier in the night, The Shadow got trashed out of his head next to this dude in a purple suit.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Last night, The Shadow actually showed up to do the first part of the interview about his disappearance in July of 2010, as per our negotiated agreement. I guess he’s pretty desperate to stay out of the clink after what happened to him last time he was on the inside. After getting over my shock and alarm, I set up recording equipment, brought out some beer, and we went to work. In the interest of saving time, rather than having BZ wage slaves transcribe the interview, I elected to simply upload the (audio-only) interview as one of those weak-ass YouTube videos where there are just pictures and stuff, and audio to go with it. This has proven to be a poor strategy as it has actually taken much more time than anticipated, but. . . whatever. It’s done now.

Part 1.1

This picture isn’t really relevant to this interview, it’s just me, flashing our new logo at you, like BAM!!!!! We’s professional now. We got a logo and everything.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Finally, after days and days of having uploads cancelled due to unknown errors, part two of my interview with The Shadow has been posted.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – In this, the thrilling conclusion to my interview with The Shadow, his furriness reveals what the aliens wanted with him, and the questions they asked him. The drunken Shadow then walks out, taking my last Sierra Nevada Glissade with him. Fucking bastard.

NEXT TIME: a new interview with The Shadow, featuring PICTURES THE SHADOW TOOK WHILE ON BOARD THE SAUCER, and their eerie connection with the coming end of life as we know it. But for right now, just listen to the interview.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Two weeks ago I had The Shadow right here in the Fat Cave answering interview questions, and after about half an hour he stormed out, taking my last beer with him. I did not see The Shadow again until last night. After a heated email exchange in which I threatened to have him arrested for hacking the site, he agreed to come in and talk. I would just post the audio files of the interview, but that format killed our numbers over the last two weeks – apparently you people would rather read than listen – so I’ve had BZ wage slaves transcribe the next segment of the interview with The Shadow. In future, this will be our interview format. Happy reading. You fucking nerds.

An as yet uninterpreted Mayan glyph, rendered in a shiny metal of unknown origin (therefore it must be extraterrestrial. Cause, you know, we know everything, what with computers and all, so how could there possibly be anything we don’t know about? I mean, there’s Wikipedia and stuff. . .).

That fat fuck will use these texts to decode the strange glyphs The Shadow left in the Fat Cave.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – I spent a full week here in the Fat Cave, working laboriously with scholarly texts and these strange silvery glyphs that clearly have Mayan origins, and have finally arrived at a full translation. In order to make sense of them, I had to re-arrange the pictures retrieved from The Shadow’s camera – otherwise they make no sense. However, in their new configuration, they make a fairly clear statement, which follows.

This is a complex glyph that requires right-to-left translation. The two non-representational pictograms on the left are indicators of time and action. The first indicates the approach of the end of the calendar, or time cycle. The second pictogram is equivalent to the future tense of the English verb to be. The third pictogram indicates literally the fall of a great man. Now, this isn’t exactly what it appears – obviously the Mayans didn’t use precisely the same idioms that we use. It does indicate a fall, but this fall is representative of the death of a great man. However, the fact that the man in this glyph is unidentified and wearing ceremonial garb, indicates that it may refer to a great man and his followers, a great man and his ideas, or the man himself may even be dead already, and the fall indicates what will happen to his legacy. This glyph, then, is more or less ambiguous, translating roughly to when the end of time approaches, the great man (or men) and/or his ideas and/or his legacy will die.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clayton, MO – For those of you who don’t know, The Fat Kid isn’t just a bloated fucker who sits around eating and waiting for some UFO shit to happen – he’s also a professional. That is, not only does he work for a major institution that you’ve all heard of, but he also belongs to several professional societies, not least of which is the International Society for the Study of Mayanism (ISSM). This weekend, he bought two seats on an old and extremely dangerous Southwest Airlines Boeing 737, and flew out to Missouri, of all places, to tell the world of his findings.

This is the lobby of the hotel where Fatty stayed. Good thing he got a conference discount – BZ would never spring for the price of a hotel that has two different colors of floor tile.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – My trip to Missouri was really enlightening. The point of academic conferences, for those of you who don’t know, isn’t just to get shitfaced in a city far away from your wife. It’s also partly to exchange ideas with other academics and, more importantly, get feedback from other experts in your field on the work you’ve done. And the feedback I got in Missouri was very useful, but more or less what I expected. Several heavy hitters in the field of Mayanism were really impressed with the presentation I gave, and to a person they agreed that my translation was dead-on-balls accurate. So, we are going to die, it looks like. Yay.

Goodbye, old friend.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last week The Shadow confirmed that space musician, politician, and former BlueZer0 CEO Decanus Picto was the “great man” referred to in my translation of the Mayan Glyphs he photographed on the saucer that abducted him. He then predicted that Decanus Picto would go the way of Hoffa, MLK, JFK, RFK, Medgar Evers, B.I.G., John Lennon, and so on – and we all perked up and took notice. Since that time, highly unusual things have been happening.

The new and improved Decanus Picto. Now, at 7% body fat, he’s a much bigger (though, ironically, actually smaller) threat to the ladies of Clintonville, Worthington, and Northern Columbus.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – Last week I reported that strange beings and forces were following me, and that an insanely paranoid Decanus was carrying an illegal and very dangerous rifle around the woods of north Columbus. This week I decided that it was necessary to refer back to my main source of information – The Shadow – to see if he had any additional news regarding the pending end of the world. However, I found him in quite a state.

Triangulum Galaxy: The giant pinwheel of dust and gas where The Shadow plans to spend the rest of his life with a decent looking chick, after the rest of us have been crushed into an incredibly small point.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – Last week I reported that The Shadow was working on raising the money to build his own flying saucer, so he could get off this planet before Quetzalcoatl turns our galaxy into a bigger black hole than physicists had previously thought possible. However, there was a lot of technical jargon in that article that may have thrown some of our readers off. This week, I thought I would return to The Shadow’s sub-bridge apartment and get him to clarify some of those details, so we could show the reader exactly how space travel works.

This fake saucer is actually pretty awesome. I’d like to build one that looks like that. Anyway, The Shadow plans to use a bunch of stuff that he’s going to exploit women to get his furry mitts on, to build a real flying saucer, so he can get off this rock and avoid the coming apocalypse.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – Last week I conducted an interview with The Shadow regarding superconductivity and the mechanics of space travel in an effort to help a cash-poor but space ship design-rich Shadow convince women to appear nude on his website. So far, none of the women we’ve spoken with are convinced that his ship will work, or that there is even a real need to leave Earth, let alone the Milky Way. However, we proceed undaunted in hopes that someone of loose morals can be persuaded to participate in this.

The Shadow's saucer will hopefully be better than this one that appeared over the Santa Ana desert in 1965 – the same year the first Doors record came out. When this saucer flew off, it left a ring of black smoke behind it. Apparently, it was one of the older diesel models.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As many of you recall, of late The Shadow has been trying to persuade women to help him build a porn site, by offering them a free spot on the flying saucer he plans to build in order to get off the earth before the legitimate apocalypse happens in December of 2012. However, he has had no luck. As I have reported elsewhere, women in general are not stupid enough to believe him. Or me. Or Decanus either, really. But anyway, this afternoon, I received a strange email from The Shadow that looks rather like a commercial.

The Fat Kid received this email from The Shadow on Saturday. It looks like it may have been drafted with the help of Dan Gilbert.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – I’m sure eight or ten of you recall that two articles ago the Third Fictional Reporter reported that Decanus claimed to have prevented the impeding end of the world by praying to the Celtic goddess Danu. Word on the street is that Decanus is taking things with Danu to the next level.

According to outdoor resident Santa Bum, Decanus has been starting big bonfires at night, dedicated to the goddess Danu. Don't worry, though – it's a controlled burn.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – After his failed attempts to get chicks to get naked on his website, The Shadow changed strategies, opting instead to try to start a bromance with any dude rich enough to finance his saucer project. This also turned out to be a poor strategy, which he quickly abandoned. Things then took a turn for the worse with The Shadow. On Thursday night, he was arrested for public drunkenness and public urination. On Friday night he was arrested for trespassing, public drunkenness, stealing a backhoe, operating heavy equipment without certification, and operating heavy equipment while under the influence of alcohol. I personally bailed him out on Friday night, but he wouldn’t speak to me about the matter, and he has since disappeared.

The Shadow was arrested for getting drunk, stealing this backhoe, and parking it on top of this pile of broken cement on a construction site in Upper Arlington. Is this a good sign or a bad sign?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Longtime readers know that we here at BZ have certain bands we promote even though they do everything in their power to distance themselves from us. For the longest time, we made constant-but-oblique references to Taiwanese black-ish metal band, Chthonic. Later we started promoting Poland’s favorite death metal band (after Vader, that is), Behemoth. Unfortunately, as BZ was 18th in the world to report , Behemoth frontman Adam “Nergal” Darski got Leukemia, and has since been convalescing rather than putting out records. So, until Darski recovers, and the world has another Behemoth record that puts most other death metal records to shame, we have decided that we need a house band (I know that isn’t the term I’m looking for here) to fill in for our Polish pals.

“Slaves Shall Serve,” from Behemoth’s (arguably) best record, Demigod, is the motherfucking super bomb. Also, it was used by former BZ CEO and maybe still POTUS candidate Decanus Picto as his campaign song, until the mighty Behemoth disassociated themselves from us. Still, it’s an awesome track. You know, even though they don't like us and all. *sniff*

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As previously reported The Shadow has been trying to build a flying saucer that would allow him to get the hell out of the Milky Way before its utter destruction, and there have been conflicting stories regarding his success or failure in that venture. Today, however, Upper Arlington (including my apartment) was abuzz about a saucer sighted in broad daylight, in a highly populated area just a quarter of a mile from his home under Shadow Bridge.

This saucer was seen hovering over a silver Chevy Impala, right outside The Fat Kid’s apartment. Based on the size of the car, we calculate that the saucer was at least 10 feet long.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As most of you know, at 1:30 PM this past Sunday a saucer was sighted right outside my apartment in Upper Arlington, and because I live within walking distance of Shadow Bridge, and since The Shadow had elaborate plans for building his own saucer, there was much speculation about whether it was his. Since that time pretty much nothing happened until Wednesday afternoon when there was a deafening explosion – again at about 1:30 PM. I went outside and saw a plume of smoke rising from the east. I jumped in my ride, and before I got two blocks I saw utter devastation.

What’s left of an extraordinarily shitty Damon’s restaurant, where it took forty-five minutes to get some awful fries and a half-cooked cheeseburger – extra chewy. The Fat Kid claims it was destroyed by a saucer similar to the one seen near his apartment last week, and that he’s glad it’s fucking gone. The saucer allegedly created and entered the big triangular hole, and then blew the fuck up.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – After days of round-the-clock reconnaissance at Shadow Bridge I was finally able to wrest substantial information out of the Shadow regarding the recent spate of saucer sightings in and around Upper Arlington – and the saucers were in fact his.

After days of watching, The Fat Kid got this and other photos of The Shadow’s saucer, parked near Shadow Bridge Using objects in the photograph for scale, we calculate that the craft is forty feet in diameter, and twelve feet tall – much bigger than the saucer sighted at the Fat Cave.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Decanus Picto held a press conference in the Park of Roses this morning to announce the formation of The First Church of Danu of Latter Day Pagans. As long-time readers will recall, I am an alcoholic who barely works, so I have a great deal of difficulty waking up in the AM. Accordingly, I did not make it to the press conference. I did, however, speak with Decanus in the afternoon, and we discussed his new church over some just-barely-imported beer.

This picture of Decanus was taken in Clintonville’s Park of Roses just prior to the press conference at which he announced the formation of his ridiculous church. I guess he expects people to join it, now?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As the sober among you (I make no judgments) may recall, The Shadow recently finished building his own flying saucer, and was making plans to leave the Milky Way altogether and colonize the Triangulum Galaxy. Early this morning (meaning 3:00 AM) I got an email pursuant to that, containing an announcement regarding The Shadow’s final exit from this toilet Earth.

This diagram, which shows the effect an Alcubierre Warp Drive (a.k.a. Shadowtronic Suck Drive) has on space, illustrates how The Shadow plans to get to the Triangulum Galaxy. Also, it looks cool as hell.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Erstwhile BZ CEO and presidential candidate Decanus Picto claims to have been contacted recently by ancient Celtic goddess Danu, who revealed “unto” him the tenets of the church of Danu.

Decanus Picto commissioned a digital artist to recreate his vision of the goddess Danu. She’s super-fucking-hot, right? I don’t really know what her goat fetish is about, but whatever, dude. I’ll do pretty much whatever this chick says.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As very very VERY few of you will recall, The Shadow has recently left the Earth and the Milky Way for the Triangulum Galaxy and an otherwise unknown planet which, in an extraordinary burst of creativity, he dubbed New Earth. As you also probably do not recall, The Shadow is the only intelligent creature on that whole planet, but even so he has declined to bring anyone with him, and plans to live the rest of his life there in complete isolation. However, just before leaving, he promised to write to those of us who are not sophisticated enough to build a Shadowtronic Suck Drive and fly out of here before Quetzalcoatl comes back and busts the Earth’s bitch ass. This afternoon he kept that promise, and wrote me an email. And then he wrote me another, and another, and another.

The Triangulum Nebula, where The Shadow is hanging out on his own little Kashyyk, rollin’ all Gigantopithecus-style. Which just means in the woods.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Certain of you may remember that former BZ CEO Decanus Picto recently went completely batshit and started [believing that he was] talking to an ancient Celtic goddess, Danu. Then, just a couple weeks ago, he founded The First Church of Danu of Latter Day Pagans, and in a vision received from her a list of Divine Revelations. I was present this Saturday night when Decanus opened his church, and performed the first ever North American service in honor and praise of the goddess Danu.

The goddess Danu, creating something or other. She can totally do that, just like regular God, except that her dress size is like two or something and He wears like an 8 (plus she’s a lefty). How does she stay so trim? Strict goat diet.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As some of you may know, after only a couple days of staring at Sopranos DVDs and whacking off in the space woods, The Shadow went completely crazy from the boredom of living on his unpopulated planet, New Earth. You may also recall that he then started pestering me with email. Well, that situation escalated, and he wound up doing ridiculous stuff, like flying back to Old Earth in the middle of the night and trying to get me to go to Bob’s Bar with him. And of course I went. But my larger point here is that The Shadow has been having a hell of a time trying to figure out what to do with himself in the absence of people to be around/fuck with. But now he’s found a solution.

A Shadowtronic wine label from The Shadow’s natural vineyard on New Earth. It tastes just like it looks – skunky and rich, with delicate mineral notes beneath the musky sulfurous goat-in-the-rain flavor. 17 points.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As everyone knows by now, The Shadow has started a vineyard on his planet, New Earth, in the Triangulum Galaxy. However, his Vineyard has already met with a serious roadblock on the way to liquidity. And that roadblock is called poison.

The FDA has determined that New Earth wine is poisonous, fatal if swallowed, and has demanded the re-labeling of all “Vin Shadowtronique,” including the following varietals: Non Scio, Vester Genetrix, Acetosus Sauvignon, and Odio Vos.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Things have been strange around Columbus for the past three weeks. Dark figures have been seen lurking in the backyards of quiet suburban homes, and stealing past windows left open to the cool night air. And in the morning, people are waking up to find very important things missing – their dogs. It seemed unrelated that there were strange sounds issuing from the Park of Roses late at night, when the glow of the deep-woods bonfires painted High Street a dim orange. But it wasn’t.

The goddess Danu is apparently super pissed that her dietary needs aren’t being met, and is threatening to crush people’s skulls and set the entire Earth on fire if she doesn’t get a goat by next Saturday. So, you know, let’s start looking, people.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Late last night I was searching the internet for. . . completely normal things, when I happened upon the following personal ad:

Tall, fat, sweaty sasquatch-type with no income or practical training, seeks loud, selfish, alcoholic cunt to yell at him periodically and add instability to his already unstable life. Must have piercing, nasal voice, mood swings, and be completely irrational. It's best that she not speak English – Spanish or Esperanto preferred, but any incomprehensible language will do. Must be willing to travel, like vacuums, stars, trees, and isolation. No lawyers, shrinks, or cops – and if you are a cop, you gotta tell me. (Traduzca Este Artículo)

I thought this could only belong to one person (or person-like thing), so I contacted The Shadow seeking comment.

The Shadow in profile, showing off his slim-for-an-unemployed-carbo-loading-ape physique, and his pendulous moobs, which are conspicuously absent from his otherwise honest and self-deprecating personal ad.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Some of you may recall that back in June, a BZ house band contest was announced, to determine who would hold the lusterless and unpaid position of BZ house band until the mighty Behemoth put out a new record. The contestants listed were my three favorite technical death metal bands (in no particular order), Obscura, Origin, and Psycroptic. Well, the results are in.

Behemoth’s “Ov Fire and the Void” video, from their 2009 release, Evangelion. Normally when posting in praise of the mighty Behemoth, we use the "Slaves Shall Serve" video from 2005’s stellar-as-fuck record, Demigod. But you have to move on, even from blackened death metal landmarks. And this video has a hot chick, too, so it’s a suitable replacement. Behemoth rules, and will be our house band again shortly, I’m sure, because Nergal is doing really well. And we're all relieved about that, too.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Over the past several weeks ancient Celtic goddess Danu has been threatening to kill everyone on the Earth if she doesn’t get her weekly goat. Then last week, even though she got her goat, plus several back goats, she was still in a threatening and super-pissy mood, and claimed that she was kicking ass and taking names the very next time she was forced to live through another goatless Saturday. But she didn’t deliver on that promise. This Saturday, there was something strange going on in Whetstone Park. I mean, other than the normal strange stuff.

The goddess Danu doing her Jim Morrison impression at Saturday’s goatless bonfire. Note that she is paying zero attention to Picto (not pictured).

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As many of you may recall, last week, The Shadow and Decanus Picto’s would-be girlfriend, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, were spotted together in Whetstone Park, when Danu was expected to be destroying the world. Picto, feeling abandoned, moped around the park for several days before entirely disappearing from public view into his Clintonville chateau. Since that time, however, BlueZer0 has acquired the text of a Dear Decanus letter, so to speak, that the goddess allegedly sent to him. Meanwhile, Shadu have been seen all over Columbus, O-H to the I-O.

The Shadow and Danu have been seen here, at the Motel Acyclovir, the third cheapest motel in all of Ohio. It is covered by most insurance plans, however; you should consult your insurance provider’s formulary before checking in.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Since being unceremoniously dumped by the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, Decanus Picto has once again gone batshit crazy. He wasn’t exactly sane when he was burning goats in Whetstone Park, but at least he was stable. Since Danu got rid of him, however, he has hooked up with an Ohioan cult known as The Profane Order of the Black Squirrel. This afternoon, I will take you in-depth and explain the history of this much feared sect!

The infamous and terrifying black squirrel of Clintonville! Decanus Picto belongs to a sect that believes he’s a little piece of Satan. Yes he is.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – At least two of you read last week’s article on The Profane Order of the Black Squirrel, and I know both of you are excited to read this week’s interview with former BZ CEO, POTUS Candidate, and consort of Danu, Decanus Picto. This week I caught up with Picto at the Enslaved show on Saturday night at Outland Live. Picto appeared in full corpse paint, and was stationed at the door, handing out pamphlets about The Profane Order of the Black Squirrel. I interviewed him there between his interactions with other militant Satanists. A cobbled-together transcript follows.

Picto, in full Black Squirrel corpse paint, gives a slightly altered Steve Dallas-style secret devil sign while making his metal face. Strange as it may seem, this looked totally normal in the context of the Enslaved show.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last week Decanus Picto said some pretty fierce things about The Shadow and his new girlfriend, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu. In particular, he said that he hoped that The Shadow would go back to New Earth, where he had previously relocated, partly in an effort to avoid prosecution, and partly to avoid the utter destruction predicted by pictograms found inside a flying saucer. This week, things have taken a turn for the worse for Picto, as The Shadow has done exactly the opposite.

Picto with his illegally modified AR-15 anti-Christian assault rifle, which can also apparently be used for killing the fuck out of Sasquatches.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Dublin – In a famously fucktarded place like Central Ohio, where things like concrete statues of corn are considered acceptable, it seems likely that many strange events will occur. And, in fact, history says they do. For instance, in 1966 several police officers followed a UFO from Portage county Ohio all the way into Pennsylvania, which is just crazy – why the dick would anyone go to Pennsylvania? But those wacky Ohioans [allegedly] did just that, and only the black squirrels know why. Well, this past Saturday night, while the rest of you were drinking alone, there was a similarly strange event – Decanus Picto was at Dublin’s famous Cornhenge monument, raising the dead.

This pic of the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device was taken this weekend at Cornhenge after Decanus raised its spirit from the other world. Since that time, Decanus has been hailed as the best psychic medium in history because he is the first medium ever to actually contact the spirit of a dead person. Or device. Or whatever the BAGD is. Also, there are “orbs” in this picture. Which, if you talk with people who claim to be ghosthunters, they pretend that means something all spooky or whatever. (It doesn’t, though.)

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As all you Danu worshippers out there know, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu left former BZ CEO, POTUS, and space music artist Decanus Picto for the Shadow, forming the media darling celebrity couple, Shadu. However, other than this quickly thrown together interview, we never really heard the story of their meeting, falling in love, or moving into the woods of north Clintonville together to await the [real] apocalypse. So here, for the first time is the story of the new couple, in their own words.

Decanus Picto provided us with this pic (taken by black squirrel spies) of the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, pissing in the north Clintonville woods. Because that’s where she lives now, in the woods with The Shadow and the black squirrels, and Picto probably stalking them. Which seems pretty wrong. And yes, it’s totally snowing here, even though it’s only October. What? It’s cold in Ohio.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Contrary to popular belief, Columbus is not a backwater filled with tobacco-chewing rednecks. I mean, it is in Ohio, so there are many tobacco-chewing rednecks here, but there are also those of us who wear clean shirts, and have more than eight teeth, and own toothbrushes, and so on. And those of us who fall into this latter category occasionally try to create little oases of cultural activity here and there – usually on nights when there aren’t any barn dances or hay rides (so, about ten or fifteen times per year). Because of this cultural activity, and because of the availability of camera equipment in this fully digital age, new business opportunities have opened up in the fields of videography and production right here in Columbus. For instance, several weeks ago, Immolation’s bus broke down on 71 North, and to kill time the NYC death metal vets played a show at Alrosa Villa – the Columbus bar with the second largest beer selection (because they have Bud Light, too). I was fortunate enough to be at that show, and while I was watching them wreck shit, I thought to myself, This is a perfect opportunity. I should start a company to film things like this. And I did. However, some other people had the same idea, and now a war has broken out for market dominance in the field of videography in Columbus. And it’s a war I intend to win.

A video by rival Ohio production company, Zombie Tapdance Productions. While it is clear, and sounds good, it is also un-Ohioan, and therefore un-American.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – The battle to determine who is the supreme production company of central Ohio commenced in a big way this past Tuesday night. As my Twitter followers surely noticed, I was part of a crew sent out to document the apocalyptic havoc the mighty Goatwhore wreaked upon central Ohio, and we did a few things to tweak the recordings to give them that special central Ohio trait known as balls-soundingness. But that’s not all.

This version of Goatwhore’s “Apocalyptic Havoc,” recorded at Columbus’ famous metal club Alrosa Villa on 11/1/11, has been specially Ohio-ized to sound as much like balls as possible. It took a lot of painstaking work to obfuscate the excellence of this Goatwhore track, but we think we pulled it off rather well.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus – After tolerating several weeks worth of sub-standard reporting, and no article at all last week, I have returned to BZ, even though my nerves are still shot. Mainly I was asked to return to investigate the disappearance of BZ’s priceless Margaret James original. Though I did not locate the centerpiece of BZ’s art collection, I did manage to locate The Shadow – in jail.

The Shadow, pictured here in the visiting room at the Franklin County Correctional Center, at 370 S. Front Street, Columbus, OH 43215.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – After our Christmas day article word got out to the goddess Danu that The Shadow had carelessly referred to her as a bitch. Danu has drafted the following letter in response.

The goddess Danu is super-pissed that The Shadow called her a bitch, so she’s going to crush some random people’s skulls. It’s like bubble wrap to her.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Dublin [Ohio, not, like, the good Dublin] – Decanus Picto had been sort of missing in a weird way for quite a little while until this afternoon. That is, no one had seen or heard from Picto since he conducted a necromantic séance at Cornhenge, but we have to admit that we didn’t really look for him that hard. As a matter of fact, the only person who even said he was going to look was The asshole Shadow, after he conducted his own séance in the basement of the chateau. However, as we all know, The Shadow never resolved that situation, and instead stole our priceless Margaret James original, and then went to jail. So, I guess what I’m saying is that nobody actually looked for him, and given that, it’s kind of difficult to say he was missing, because how could you tell if someone’s missing if nobody looks or even makes a phone call? Anyway, this afternoon Picto surfaced via email, claiming that for the next two hours he was granting interviews to the press regarding the release of his second album. I dusted off the ol’ bus pass and jetted up there. Or, really, we went pretty slowly, and then I had to get a transfer to get to Dublin, and that took forever because I had to wait like forty-five minutes for the bus west from High street, and that sucked. But whatever. The point is that I got there, and recorded the following interview.

Picto, on the cover of Rockstar “magazine” kicking Satanic squirrel styles, and hocking his new record, Doomsday: An Electronic Soundtrack for the End Times. That’s an awesome title, right?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus – Since Christmas Eve The Shadow has been held at the Franklin County Correctional Facility in lieu of $80 bail for possession of a Schedule I narcotic, with intent to distribute. Though he was initially charged with selling forged artwork as well, those charges were dropped because the forgeries were so poor. However, due to a delayed hearing caused by difficulties establishing the chain of custody of the evidence in his case, there has been no sentence handed down. And due to no one liking the bitch-ass Shadow, no one has scraped together eighty dollars to get him out. So, there he sat. Until Friday.

This still frame from security camera footage recorded during The Shadow’s daring escape from the Franklin County Correctional Facility, shows his more simian side. Maybe he’s a Gigantopithecus after all.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Bogotá, Colombia – According to BlueZer0 sources, Decanus Picto, erstwhile BZ CEO and POTUS candidate-turned-Satanic squirrel-worshipping space musician, has died in Bogotá, Colombia. He was 46.

This is the Picto pic we’re using for the obit, cuz it’s the shit. Fuck you, too. I write perfectly good copy. I don’t see you writin’ nothin’, you retarded, big-mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk.* So shut up, bitch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie!