Shadow Reporting
On Monday, gas station assistant manager and German feudal lord Count Mikhëil von Wilsey of Verzögert Castle, Saxony, made a shocking revelation to the press, claiming that he was in fact the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s five month old baby Dannielyn.
When asked whether it was true that he was actually a virgin, the Count said, “No, there was this girl, you wouldn’t know her. She was from Albany.” When asked whether that was the only girl he had ever been with, and whether he actually knew how to perform the reproductive act, he said, “As Count of Saxony, I order you to be quiet.”
The Count told Bluezer0 that “Anna started getting gas here when she was driving to the Bahamas. It’s pretty far to get there. She came up to the booth one time, and asked why the prices were so high, and I said, ‘That’s the highway, this is robbery.’ She must have laughed for half an hour. I actually thought she was sick or something. Or high. She was high a lot.”
Count von Wilsey gave detailed information about Anna’s bitchin’ Camaro, claiming in a significant tone that he often checked her oil, and that he refilled her windshield washer fluid reservoir several times.
The Count claims his fortune has run out, and that the only things he has left are the family seat in Saxony and his title, which was what Anna Nicole was after. The marriage they planned, which would have given her the title of Countess, was thwarted by lawyer and talk show host Howard K. Stern who was one of several men hittin’ dat, but the Count said he was willing to sell her a lesser title for certain favors, and large tips at the full service pump.
“As lord of Saxony and surrounding bergs, it is within my power to create and sell lesser titles appertaining to those areas. So, I might have made her Viscountess or something. It depends on how many times total, and how often I was allowed to check her oil. If it was too low, I only would have given her the title of Baroness, or even Baronetess, which is lesser by three steps, and the peasants don’t respect you as much.”
Most of the Count’s trysts with Anna were in his shared corner office on JFK Memorial Highway, he said. “She was really into the fake fern. She didn’t really know it was fake. She was amazed that it could grow in there because there are no windows so she thought it was magic or something. She used to hide heroin in there sometimes, too. Christ, I wonder if there’s any left. I’ll have to get rid of it.”
The heroin left in the plastic plant was very high grade, cooked up smooth, and very small doses were seriously effective, indicating Anna had good sources, probably direct from Afghanistan, or the eastern edge of Uzbekistan where the poppy crop is generally early and strong.
Only rarely did they meet at Count von Wilsey’s corner penthouse in Admiral’s Club Apartments, located in a swanky section of Kirkwood Highway near the famous Melrose Place. Mostly they met late at night, when the Count’s father wasn’t home. “She would come over and bring Taco Bell, and we would watch Sanford and Son on Nick-at-Night. Or what do they call it now, TVLand or something like that? Anyway, we’d watch that, or Three’s Company, or Cheers or something. Whatever was on, really.”
It was during one of these late night trysts that Dannielyn was conceived, von Wilsey said. “I was all about the rhythm method, but she insisted on hooking up raw-dog all the way ‘til the end no matter when she was supposed to ovulate.” Asked precisely when “the end” was, Count Mikhëil said, “Pretty much as soon as she got in the door. Sometimes she would hug me, and it was all over. Literally.” That was gross.
Currently, Anna Nicole’s former lawyer Howard K. Stern, and fake royal Prince Frederic von Anhalt claim to be the father, and plan on a paternity test. When the paternity test shows that neither Stern nor von Anhalt is the father, the Count says, he will step in and call for his own test, which will show that he should get custody of the child, and her money.
