The Fat kid reporting. . .

Vonnegut, who once said, “I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations,” was obviously, and almost by that fact alone, The Fat Kid’s favorite writer.

Passing away during this new spring of his seventy second year, the Oracle leaves us knowing too little about him. He was born in October, 1935 as Gabby Whitman and he lived in several different suites over the years at the Chateau Clintonville since the 1960s.

Extraordinary novelist and Anthony Keidis look-alike, David Foster Wallace, seen here inspecting our masthead.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – After several years of supplying BZ staffers with some kind of structure to hang around in the parking lot, and several months of bumping that obnoxious redneck noise known as bluegrass every Saturday morning, Gary Doe has died.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

We’ll miss you, Harry.

Harry “the K” Kalas, greatest broadcaster in the history of Illy Philly, died in Washington on Monday (4/13/09) after collapsing in the broadcast booth while preparing to announce a Phillies/Nationals game. He was 73 years old. Harry was the Phillies' play-by-play announcer for 38 years, and during that time he called every single one of Michael Jack Schmidt’s 548 home runs. Phillies fans everywhere (even those of us on the moors of Ohio) will miss Harry. If there was a god, this is where I’d start trying to negotiate a trade: we’ll give you Chris Wheeler, Gary Matthews, and a first-round draft pick to have Harry back. . .

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Several days ago, retired welter-weight boxer Arturo Gatti, who smashed the hell out of people during his career, was found dead at a Brazilian resort, or hotel, or a property that he was renting near a resort-type place (the reporting on this detail changed several times as the case developed, and I’m still not certain which is actually true). Normally, as you know, I write obituaries for people that I like, like Harry the K, Kurt Vonnegut, and David Foster Wallace, or people who, to whatever degree, figure in with BlueZer0, like Gary Doe. Unfortunately, even though I’m still unemployed, I’ve had quite a lot going on, so I didn’t have time to post on the day he actually died. And there wasn’t really that much to report on the day he died, anyway. However, now that I have made time to do this, and now that there is actually something to report, I have to acknowledge the situation with big-time puncher, Arturo “Thunder” Gatti.

Arturo “Thunder” Gatti bled up a storm and smashed dudes in the face for a long time, and now, sad to say, he’s dead.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Sorry about this picture. All the pictures of Pete are kinda. . . like this.

Columbus – Petrus Ratajczyk who, because he loved dick jokes, took the name Peter Steele, is dead at age 48, Blabbermouth.net reports. His death comes as a particular shock because Pete recently stopped drinking and doing coke.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

COLUMBUS – This past Wednesday, the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device fulfilled its life-long dream of not having to get up in the morning and go through this all over again, by hanging itself from the Third Avenue Bridge in the Victorian Village neighborhood of Columbus. The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device took it extremely hard when a delusional Decanus Picto disbanded his touring group, The Biaviians, of which the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device was a member, because laptop D’arcy Wretzky’s battery died, and Decanus was too wrecked to realized he could just plug her back in.

The BAGD's "happy ending," at the end of a rope tied to the 3rd Avenue Bridge. It's probably best this way.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

CLINTONVILLE – The round-the-clock vigil at the BAGD’s tomb has continued unabated since its interment on Sunday. Every few minutes a new mourner comes along and the rats scatter as he or she tosses a tribute bag onto or around the tomb, which has long since been filled with such bags. The mourners stop coming around three or four AM, when the war between rats and raccoons rages, but they start showing up again just before sunrise, when we’re stumbling in somnambulance so pre-dawn corpses come to life.

In an effort to understand this unexpected outpouring of love and support, I attempted to interview a mourner at 2:30 this morning, but she was overcome with grief. You can watch the interview below.

The police came shortly after the Third Fictional Reporter attacked this pretty young girl in that most romantic of places – by the dumpsters.

Hoping to gain some kind of insight into the kinds of feelings these mourners have for the BAGD, and, more to the point, why, we forced BZ laborers to do a statistical analysis of the contents of many, many tribute bags. Though we have not gained any insight, we have turned the data they gathered during hours and hours of labor under unsanitary conditions into this clean and colorful pie chart:

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Bogotá, Colombia – According to BlueZer0 sources, Decanus Picto, erstwhile BZ CEO and POTUS candidate-turned-Satanic squirrel-worshipping space musician, has died in Bogotá, Colombia. He was 46.

This is the Picto pic we’re using for the obit, cuz it’s the shit. Fuck you, too. I write perfectly good copy. I don’t see you writin’ nothin’, you retarded, big-mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk.* So shut up, bitch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie!