The following interview was recorded in a hotel bar. David Icke was disguised as Mr. T, and wearing a flowing red dress to avoid looking conspicuous, and to throw off his alien pursuers.

On my first foray into the sandy plains of southern Delaware, I observed the following:

There was a circle on the ground in the center of which was drawn a pentagram. On the west side of the circle was a huge movie screen which must have been at least four feet high and six feet wide. Directly in the center of the circle was a reel to reel movie projector, behind which were two chairs. Behind the chairs was a small silver colored CD player which was plugged into a Honda generator, which was outside the circle. Apparently generators are not sacred equipment, and so could not be included in sacred space or the ceremony at all.

The following interview took place in a public park in Washington DC. The subject contacted me, asking to be interviewed because of the important information he had regarding the shape-shifting parasitic inter-dimensional lizards and the situation at the Delaware Turnpike Mobil. However, the subject asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal.

I conducted this seance, or channeling in the home of a concerned third party and follower of mine who was willing to lend us the space and time in order to shed light on the heinous murder of the late Bill Cooper, forcing us to add another late to his name. The two of us sat at the kitchen table of the double wide trailer, and the third party, who wishes to remain anonymous in order to avoid public humiliation and persecution, sat on his couch tapping quietly at the keys of his ibook, occasionally looking up and commenting.

The following is my account, to the best of my recollection, of my abduction and heroic escape from the mother ship of the aliens known as "grays."

I was driving north on I-95, between the 896 and 273 exits when above me there was suddenly a bright light. I figured maybe it was the ghetto bird searching for the perpetrators in the Mobil robbery, but then I saw it was far too big to be just a helicopter.

The Shadow Reports:

On Friday the 21st of March, the Realm of the Tooth received a surprise visit in the person (read: Alien) of Tan himself. No, not beige's first cousin in the color spectrum, but the interstellar traveler, savior-to-be of the human race, and famed associate of space guru/alcoholic/pot dealer/space ship ticket artist/hippie Riley Martin, whose writing credits include published pieces in Global Black Woman magazine, The Coming of Tan and several hefty tomes on the subjects of exploiting the gullible, functional alcoholism, semi-functional alcoholism, and bad trips.

For the past several months no one has seen or heard of erstwhile delivery boy and present day health food merchant Jared Buckalew. Rumors went flying, but none quite so high as that the day had come for him to take that last ride into the ether with pot dealer and post-traumatic-stress-disorder-sufferer Riley Martin.

First, more than a year ago all internet access had been cut off at Buckalew’s Waterford estate, and then more recently – no one can say how recently – phone service was cut, following which long time resident couch-weight Victoria made a hasty retreat to Missouri or Iowa or some other place equally in love with Toby Keith. All of this coincided with the apocalyptic predictions in recently released government studies showing that not only were humans responsible for global warming, but that it would continue unabated for centuries whether we stop polluting or not.

It seemed, in short, like a systematic shut down of Buckalew Palace in preparation for The Coming of Tan, an alien who claims his interstellar Dart bus will make a stop on earth just as the planet becomes uninhabitable. Jared, bell-wether of all things celestial and long time Space-Dart ticket holder, made no effort to contact any fat people, thereby raising suspicion that he was trying to slip out of the atmosphere unnoticed to avoid being asked for a ride to another suitable planet by those unticketed slobs who could offer neither gas, grass, nor ass.

I, The Shadow, shining beacon of hope for underground resistors and unsatisfied women alike, have since come out of retirement to investigate.

On February third of this year, I was approached by the Fat Kid, who told the following story:
“Yo, I went to Jared’s trailer, like, to see what the deal was with him, like if he was still alive, you know? And he wasn’t there.”

After delivering such masterful oratory, he told me he left the following note:
Jared,
The Fat Kid was here just making sure you were still alive, but then I got hungry and had to leave.
Jeff the Fat Kid

On receiving such a shocking report, I revved up the Trans Am and motored out to the palatial trailer park that Jared calls home, where I found things looking grim indeed. The cat’s water dish was frozen solid, the porch steps were splintered and rickety, and there was no car in the driveway, leading me to believe that Jared had left the scene to meet Tan at a secret landing space, rather than Tan swinging by to pick up his homie.

Despite the sticker on the storm door indicating the estate was protected by a .357 Magnum, I proceeded to investigate the extensive grounds. The Fat Kid’s note was still there on the steps, weighted down with a rock. The blinds were closed on every window, and no servants answered my knock – they must have been dismissed. The tool shed bore numerous signs of being old, and the lawn, though reasonably well maintained, could offer no absolute proof that Jared had been there.

Finding no clues to Jared’s whereabouts, I returned to the Trans Am to think. Other than outer space, where would Jared go? Suddenly, as strokes of genius often arrive, I deduced that if Tan hadn’t picked him up, Jared could only be at one of two places – the 7-11, or his dealer’s estate.

His dealer’s estate being the next lot over, Jared wouldn’t have driven. As no car was in sight, I could tell where my next stop should be.

The 7-11 was deserted, as though no prosperous young cashiers had been there for hours. The cigarette cases were well-stocked, so I could see that I hadn’t passed him on the way back! My only conclusion could be that Tan had finally come, and in a surprisingly Jesusy move, had picked up those believers who had given him money, and left the infidels and heretics to suffer through the rapture. And so it is with great solemnity that I say, readers, these are the last days. On this austere occasion, in our last hours, let us maintain whatever human dignity is left, by not trampling each other as we make our way to the gun stores. There are pistols enough for all. And make no mistake – pistols must be the solution, for who could stand to live through the coming days? Be wise, friends. Purchase pistols from my website shadowpistols.com, and shuffle off this mortal coil (guaranteed when used as directed).

Good-bye friends! What a world, what a world, what a world. . . .

The Shadow

Ed.s note: Jared has since been located, and confirms that Tan has not come, nor is the world to end.

Shadow Reporting

On Monday, gas station assistant manager and German feudal lord Count Mikhëil von Wilsey of Verzögert Castle, Saxony, made a shocking revelation to the press, claiming that he was in fact the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s five month old baby Dannielyn.

When asked whether it was true that he was actually a virgin, the Count said, “No, there was this girl, you wouldn’t know her. She was from Albany.” When asked whether that was the only girl he had ever been with, and whether he actually knew how to perform the reproductive act, he said, “As Count of Saxony, I order you to be quiet.”

The Count told Bluezer0 that “Anna started getting gas here when she was driving to the Bahamas. It’s pretty far to get there. She came up to the booth one time, and asked why the prices were so high, and I said, ‘That’s the highway, this is robbery.’ She must have laughed for half an hour. I actually thought she was sick or something. Or high. She was high a lot.”

Count von Wilsey gave detailed information about Anna’s bitchin’ Camaro, claiming in a significant tone that he often checked her oil, and that he refilled her windshield washer fluid reservoir several times.

The Count claims his fortune has run out, and that the only things he has left are the family seat in Saxony and his title, which was what Anna Nicole was after. The marriage they planned, which would have given her the title of Countess, was thwarted by lawyer and talk show host Howard K. Stern who was one of several men hittin’ dat, but the Count said he was willing to sell her a lesser title for certain favors, and large tips at the full service pump.

“As lord of Saxony and surrounding bergs, it is within my power to create and sell lesser titles appertaining to those areas. So, I might have made her Viscountess or something. It depends on how many times total, and how often I was allowed to check her oil. If it was too low, I only would have given her the title of Baroness, or even Baronetess, which is lesser by three steps, and the peasants don’t respect you as much.”

Most of the Count’s trysts with Anna were in his shared corner office on JFK Memorial Highway, he said. “She was really into the fake fern. She didn’t really know it was fake. She was amazed that it could grow in there because there are no windows so she thought it was magic or something. She used to hide heroin in there sometimes, too. Christ, I wonder if there’s any left. I’ll have to get rid of it.”

The heroin left in the plastic plant was very high grade, cooked up smooth, and very small doses were seriously effective, indicating Anna had good sources, probably direct from Afghanistan, or the eastern edge of Uzbekistan where the poppy crop is generally early and strong.

Only rarely did they meet at Count von Wilsey’s corner penthouse in Admiral’s Club Apartments, located in a swanky section of Kirkwood Highway near the famous Melrose Place. Mostly they met late at night, when the Count’s father wasn’t home. “She would come over and bring Taco Bell, and we would watch Sanford and Son on Nick-at-Night. Or what do they call it now, TVLand or something like that? Anyway, we’d watch that, or Three’s Company, or Cheers or something. Whatever was on, really.”

It was during one of these late night trysts that Dannielyn was conceived, von Wilsey said. “I was all about the rhythm method, but she insisted on hooking up raw-dog all the way ‘til the end no matter when she was supposed to ovulate.” Asked precisely when “the end” was, Count Mikhëil said, “Pretty much as soon as she got in the door. Sometimes she would hug me, and it was all over. Literally.” That was gross.

Currently, Anna Nicole’s former lawyer Howard K. Stern, and fake royal Prince Frederic von Anhalt claim to be the father, and plan on a paternity test. When the paternity test shows that neither Stern nor von Anhalt is the father, the Count says, he will step in and call for his own test, which will show that he should get custody of the child, and her money.

Fat Kid’s note: The Shadow initially came out of retirement to cover Jared’s disappearance, but having gotten a taste of his old journalistic fervor, he has taken it upon himself to do some real reporting. Noticing that other people his age had no idea what (other than fighting) was really going on over seas, he booked a flight to the Middle East, and slowly made his way toward Baghdad. This the first in a series of articles aimed at informing twenty-somethings who don’t much care about stuff, and junk.

The Shadow reports, on location in Baghdad

BAGHDAD. As the rosy-fingered dawn brightens this ruin of a city one is reminded of history’s most dramatic sieges and sickening sights – the earthquake addled walls of Jericho, the degradation of Hektor’s corpse at the fall of Troy, the firing of V-2 rockets into London, and the concentration camps at Dachau, Auschwitz and others during the Second World War.

Fat Kid's note: The Shadow's projected multi-article project has been cut short. This will be the second and final installment of his overseas reporting. The Shadow is now back in the US, where he will shortly enter treatement for PTSD, according to his confidential medical insurance file, accessible here at the Bluezer0 offices.

The Shadow reports

After visiting, hiding in, and fleeing from the visceral mess that was Baghdad, I decided to make a stopover in Saudi Arabia to recharge my batteries for a few weeks. After resting up, I turned my gaze toward sunny East Africa, just a stone-skip across the Red Sea. The harem I bought by cashing in my 401(k) said it would be too dangerous, but I didn’t listen. I simply transferred ownership of them to the Saudi Royal family – good friends of the Bush family – where I knew they’d get an excellent beating, and set out.

The Fat Kid reporting

By popular demand, Bluezer0 will take a hiatus from covering weighty news like the conflicts in east Africa and Baghdad. With a resounding “Dude, chill,” our readers have indicated that their interest lies elsewhere. So, we have set about gathering entertainment news relevant to our particular journalistic style.

To wit; before The Shadow’s foray into the Middle East, MTV camera crews shot some test reels of The Shadow’s home for an upcoming episode of Cribs. Once the network realized that only four people know who or what The Shadow is, they scrapped the idea, and tossed the film. A source in California has provided me with still shots from those reels. So, Bluezer0 will soon present our own written version of MTV’s Cribs, which will be called Hizzles, Which is Similar to but Legally Distinct from Cribs. Check for updates on this and other thrilling stories here at Bluezer0.com or .net or whatever we are!

The Fat Kid reporting

Fat Kid’s note: I contacted The Shadow at DiscountPharmacopeia.com Presents the Xanwood Minimum Security Mental Hospital in Nuclear Springs, New Jersey, and he agreed to add his own comments to the following pictorial.

Fat Kid’s Note: Having been missing in action for quite a while now, I have tracked down The Shadow at his home in Newark, Delaware, and asked him to respond to allegations that he is calling in sick, as it were, while he spends his days luxuriating in his shadowy apartment, with which we’re all so familiar. The Shadow interview follows.

The Shadow reporting. . .

NASSAU, Bahamas -- Some skeevy-looking dude turns out to be the real father of Anna Nicole’s baby Dannielynn.

The Shadow Reporting. . .

After having begged off as wacko-beat reporter for Bluezer0, opting instead for entertainment news, I noticed that the amount of pussy I got actually went down rather than up the way I expected.

The Shadow reporting. . .

After watching the ship fly out of Jared’s tool shed and completely blow through the stop sign, the lights and various devices started to come back on, so we fired up the Shadow Ride and followed. The car would shut off if we got too close, so we had to stay at least a block behind the alien craft, but still we made pretty good time.

The Shadow reporting. . .

The Shadow reporting. . . with contributions from The Fat Kid

A series of storylets that are better than nothing.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Bear -- On the night of May 6th, 2007 Decanus set up a make-shift studio in the sitting room of Buckalew Palace to record the first ever interview with Jared Buckalew. There was mad liquor, weed, bitches, and hard drive space -- all the defining accouterments of a cult figure of Jared’s stature. The lights blazed, the hard drive spun, and our livers worked just a bit harder as the questions began. Here, for your edification, is the intelligible portion of the result.

Yet another fictional reporter reporting. . .

NEWARK - It has long been remarked that The Fat Kid and The Shadow have lived in the same neighborhood, paid the same illegal immigrant for sex and housecleaning services, driven the same car, reported on the same stories, “worked” for the same “news” site, and been fat. But only recently has conjecture passed over the idea that they’re gay for each other, and put forth this second and more extravagant theory -- that they are the same fat fuck.

The Shadow reporting. . .

NEWARK – A global space-bus pass scam has been cracked by 364 year old physicist, Sir Isaac Newton. Apocalypse-advocate Riley Martin was named as the main offender in the scam.

The Shadow reporting. . .

NEWARK -- For those pathetic saps who don’t already know, The Shadow has been admitted into the super secret Al.D (doctorate in alien studies) program at a prestigious Midwestern university. In order to effect this change The Shadow has been forced to give up the palace known as Shadow Cave and find new digs.

As I, Shadow Humperdink, Esquire, will be moving to Columbus, Ohio by the end of the summer I have launched and executed an exploratory excursion to scout out the area. Check for updates from the road!

The Shadow reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- We left Newark promptly at 6AM, and arrived here in Columbus at 3PM, only an hour behind schedule.

The Shadow reporting. . .

NEWARK -- In preparing to leave this carcinogenic shit hole, I’ve been reflecting a bit. I visited the home of my grandmother where I lived for ten years, and have visited innumerable times. I walked down Main Street, where I trolled for pussy innumerable (fruitless) times. I revisited the liquor stores from which I shop lifted, the gas stations where I’ve worked, the McDonald’s where I gained the bulk of my inhuman pudge, the um, well there isn’t anything else in Delaware. But the point is that I visited everything there was for me to visit, and while trying to get a grasp on what I’ve learned, or to scrape up some kind experience I could take away from here, I found myself strangely silent, strangely still.

The Shadow reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- After driving for a ridiculous amount of time, we finally arrived here in Columbus. Things have been rough on your Shadowy reporter. It seems that the people at Self Storage had gotten wind of the story and decided to purge the whole facility nerve gas-style.

The Shadow reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- Since arriving here, I have undertaken to get a feel for the area and its history, and have prepared a report to that effect.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- Just a day after BlueZer0 reported that The Shadow had been ousted from the [Censored] State University, and had, like a disgruntled Aristotle, opened his own school, L’École des Beaux-Lézards I spoke with that very same Shadow on the neutral ground of O’Ryan’s Pub.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

COLUMBUS - Midnight has come and gone here in Columbus, as has the official release of The Shadow's eBook.

Available exclusively here at BlueZer0.net, Bright Clouds, Dark Shadows.

The Shadow reporting. . .

COLUMBUS -- In a city as sleepy and boring (though not quite so boring as Delaware) as this, one wouldn’t expect that there were such literally otherworldly things as ghosts but, rest assured Columbusians, there are.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Columbus-- After having spent an unusual amount of time doing school/administrative stuff at L’École des Beaux Lezárds Department of Paranormal Studies, I was finally able to return to Chateau Clintonville to conduct a seance with the ghost of Båtiment 4040.

The Shadow reporting. . .

L’École Des Beaux Lézards -- Having looked over the article recently filed by The Fat Kid, I can tell that he didn’t read my eBook very closely. It doesn’t say so explicitly, but if you look behind the words, you’ll see that I was the one who first came up with the idea that the birds were in on it, and not that (other) fat fucker.

The Shadow reporting. . .

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- It appears that the conclusion I reached regarding the purpose of the super storm was premature. After the blurb I gave to The Fat Kid, I started to question whether the manufactured storm had really malfunctioned. I told him that everything the US government sets up or builds turns out not to work. But that only applies to programs meant to help the people. What they do for themselves tends to hum along perfectly. So I started skulking around some more and picked up a few pieces of intriguing evidence.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- Amidst all the trouble with aliens and the government conspiring to keep us fat, we seem to have lost track of the fact that the focus of this website is me, The Shadow. Other than the very last article, the last twelve or more consecutive articles on the site have been written by either The Fat Kid or the Third Fictional Reporter. In order to lighten the mood, and refocus directly on ME, I have decided to talk about my latest move from the facilities of L’École Des Beaux Lézards to my new purposefully low-tech facilities in scenic Upper Arlington. In order to accomplish this in grand style, I will leach off the popularity of our most popular article ever, HIZZLES.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- Living as I do, essentially in the woods, the condition of the earth is a thing I can hardly fail to notice. Recently I’ve been noticing very strange things. First, it is slowly getting much colder than it has been over the last few months. Second, all life everywhere is dying. I know, that sucks, right?

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – In this largely quiet section of the city, no one expects much to happen. However, since July of 2008, strange things have been seen by those who actually look, especially in the area of the Mexican chateau, and the stone circle that abut the Olentangy river in an ominous formation.

This four-way intersection of road, river, stone circle, and cemetery, with the addition of the new/old Upper Arlington monument, promises a high concentration of weird and unexplainable events this season.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – Days after talking to super-secret hobo source Joe McGucket about the concurrence of our saucer sightings, and getting all trashed huffing turpentine, and falling down the bank and getting all muddy and shit, and losing my keys in the river, and spending like four hours looking for them but still not finding them, I made some shocking discoveries in the area of the Third Avenue bridge.

The saucer-shaped craft was seen hovering above this underwater stone circle in the Third Avenue area.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – This area is mostly known for simple things; its quaint Victorian architecture, its trendy shops and upper-crust restaurants, all the super-hot college pussy it houses for three-quarters of the year. Little did the residents of this expensive, trendy neighborhood realize that they were living on the site of what may be the most important archaeological find of the century.

The Shadow has found a proliferation of immense stone blocks like this one, some submerged and some partially submerged, in the Olentangy.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – I’ve been doing quite a lot of reading under my Shadowy bridge, a lot of fact checking, and correlating what I’ve read with what I’m seeing in the Olentangy, and it seems that things here are much larger in scope than I had previously imagined.

These huge blocks, the remnants of the 10,000 year old civilization of Pumapunku, are very similar in size and shape to the blocks The Shadow has located in the Olentangy.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Here in my sub-bridge library, I have been straining my eyes by candlelight at night, and dazzling them in sunlight by day, reading and reading, trying to explain the ancient mysteries of central Ohio. I have collected as much evidence as possible above water, and have even done some swimming and diving, braving the dangerous Olentangy currents, to scrounge up evidence from the sediment around the blocks, and I believe I have worked out a solution to this most puzzling of Ohio’s many paranormal/supernatural/extraterrestrial/archaeological mysteries. Are you ready to hear the truth, dear reader?

Turtles Be Chillin’ Here Island, part of the Olentangea Complex, was once part of a thriving metropolis. It now lies mostly underwater.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – South of Turtles Be Chillin’ Here Island, the sites we find along the river start to take on a different character than those of the Upper Kingdom. The Upper Kingdom is very much like Clintonville, the neighborhood that is now on the river’s edge in that area, in that it is very boring. Its main site, the Clintonville Steppe, has mainly to do with shipping and commerce, while the Lane Avenue complex is a suburban offshoot that was mainly a housing area for workers. This is the stuff of large-scale civilization, but in a boring way – it concerns the business of running an empire: logistics, transportation, and distribution. The southern area, though, is quite strange.

The Clintonville Steppe, according to The Shadow, is boring.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – In an effort to understand the alien connection to the Olentangeans, I have attempted to map out the details of life in ancient Olentangea. To that end, I have closely examined many of the artifacts left behind by that ancient people, and have attempted to deduce from those objects what life was like on those now-sunken islands. And a strange picture it is.

This ancient tennis ball was found by The Shadow on the muddy island of Enano. It appears that the ancient Olentangeans played a game similar to tennis. Other evidence indicates that they were aficionados of all the effeminate sports.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – I’ve been studying the ancient ruins of Olentangea for so long that I almost lost track of our real subject here at BlueZer0, which is the alien presence on/around earth, and particularly here in Upper Arlington, and central Ohio. As many of you may remember, the occasion of the study of ancient Olentangea was a saucer sighting around the new/old Upper Arlington monument.

The new/old Upper Arlington monument, as it appeared in early June, 2009.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After my most recent article, I started checking around with my sources, but no one seemed to be able to tell me very much. Though many people had seen the saucers around the new/old Upper Arlington monument, none of them could say with any degree of certainty why they were there. However, those were just my Ohio sources which, as we know, are a bunch of insane, cokehead hillbillies. So, delving deep into my hard drive, I looked around for some real sources that might be able to tell me something useful about the situation.

An old BlueZer0 contact that proved useful. Good thing we archive everything.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – After several contiguous days and nights of prison-grade profligacy with Columbus’s own Fourth Avenue Hobo Crew, I was fortunate enough to find myself face up in a shallow part of the Olentangy. However, after I shook off the haze of so much turpentine and 2009 Côtes du Brôoklyn Sterno brand methanol, I realized the reason for my extraordinarily early 11AM waking, was that there was a strange saucer hovering near the third avenue bridge.

This circa 2003 (yeah, we’re that old) pic of The Shadow trying to flag down Tan at the Realm of the Tooth roughly recreates the scene at Third Avenue early this morning. Except this morning, he was wet, and drunk. And he has brain damage from huffing solvents, so you probably don’t want to listen to him anyway.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – It seems like nothing happened this past week. I mean, we got an insane, open-ended, ridiculously-worded email from a very Jesusy man whose point (other than that he’s going to somehow bring us down because we aren’t Jesusy) was unclear. And there was the BZ audience’s utter failure to participate in the interactive feature, Spot the Gray, which is apparently lame even though we think it’s awesome and will probably continue with it just for our own amusement. But otherwise, there was nothing. Until last night.

The Shadow shot this octagonal flying saucer down last night, and it crashed into the muddy Olentangy.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After last week’s rainstorm, I managed to sneak out of the posh and pleasant Fat Cave unnoticed by the alien authorities, who must have assumed that their vicious rain attack had subdued me. I felt like I had to return to the crash site ASAP, but it was about a half hour walk, so I borrowed the Fat Cycle. Despite its structural damage, I made my way there, but to no avail – the rain had turned the river an opaque brown that there was no hope of seeing through. Furthermore, the level of the river had risen, and the already turgid Olentangy was running even faster. There was essentially nothing I could do but wait and watch.

The Fat Cycle: Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah FAT MAN!!!!

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After BZ’s semi-exclusive coverage of the Decanus for President press conference, BZ’s fattest employee made his way home on the Fat Cycle, locked it up, and then rested for seven hours. Unbeknownst to him, there were spies all around.

The Fat Cycle. This is the only picture we have, and the only picture we ever shall have, because somebody has ganked the bike.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – While the rest of you dipshits were watching for a new report on Decanus’s presidential run, I was out doing the real reporting. Not relying on other people’s work, but actually gathering information, and being out in the field. Really super late at night. Walking through my girlfriend’s neighborhood. Which also happens to be my weed dealer’s neighborhood. But that’s also the field. And I wasn’t holding, so there’s nothing you can do about it. And anyway, nobody saw me, or nobody that’ll talk, so go to hell. Cop.

This video shows what The Shadow claims was a massive cruciform UFO, flying over the Upper Arlington neighborhood of Columbus, Ohio.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Columbus – As we all know, when Decanus Picto was abducted by aliens and sold into slavery, by spotted chicks from Venus, he started composing music in his spare time, because 12-foot pot plants tend to have that effect on people. Well, those compositions have finally seen the light of day. That is, because The Fat Kid (who should be fired. I’m just saying. . .) was unavailable, the release date and release party actually came and went with no coverage by Bluezer0. So, way to drop the ball on that one, fatty. I hope your snotty paycheck was worth it. Like he’s better than me because he pays taxes. . .

The cover art for Decanus’s new album, Long Tokes at the Gravity Well, available here.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Ominous hangars at Wright-Patterson AFB, where The Shadow has tracked the saucer.

DAYTON – Dayton’s Wright-Patterson Air Force Base has a long history filled with military and ufological secrets. There are even rumors that there is an underground base beneath the visible surface-level base. However, many in the ufological community believe that Wright-Patterson’s days as a major center of UFO and experimental technology are more or less over. After investigators revealed that the wreckage of the famous Roswell saucer was transported there, the base was so frequently beset by investigators that it would have been foolish to continue running any but the most mundane operations at Wright-Patterson – it would have been like testing a secret craft in front of a camera crew. But sixty-three years have passed since the Roswell incident, and things have quieted down quite a bit. Other than a small crowd of investigators that cropped up after the appearance of some black triangles in central Ohio a couple years ago, the base has been more or less quiet. Maybe even quiet enough to make Wright-Patterson officials think it was safe to start up the old programs again.

The Shadow reporting. . .

This statue of Icarus, a dumbass who thought he could fly with wax and feathers, is in the lobby of the National Museum of the US Air Force at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base.

DAYTON – On the surface, Wright-Patterson looks like a normal air force base. On the Wright Field side, there’s a museum that houses what I’d imagine is the finest collection of American military aircraft in the world. They even have formerly classified planes, like the infamous, glowing-red U2 spy plane, and the F-117 Stealth Fighter. The Patterson side seems little different than a normal, working air force base. There are landing strips, hangars, the occasional C-130 loading cargo, soliders milling about. There does seem to be an unusual number of F-16s patrolling the area, but it is an air force base, so that could only be considered slightly out of the ordinary. But if you choose to speculate, you could draw some interesting inferences.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Worthington – As long-time readers know, BZ’s second favorite reporter, The Shadow, has been missing since July of 2010, after posting a ground-breaking article that included close-up photos of a genuine flying saucer hidden in an underground hangar at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. However, he was spotted last night at one of Worthington’s hottest night spots, PK O’Ryan’s.

The waitress, who asked that her name be withheld, totally narced on him, and said that earlier in the night, The Shadow got trashed out of his head next to this dude in a purple suit.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Two weeks ago The Fat Kid reported that The long-lost Shadow had been spotted at Worthington’s best Irish pub, PK O’Ryan’s. He then stationed himself at the bar to await The Shadow’s return. We at BZ headquarters started to worry after three or four days with no word from his fatness, and I was sent to look for him. I did not find The Fat Kid there, but I was told that he had faithfully manned his post, and that he had even been sleeping in the parking lot after they closed. But alcohol got the best of him, and eventually he stumbled out in much the same state as The Shadow did last week.

The Fat Kid, totally wrecked. His course of drunkenness went first through Guinness, but later changed tracks to Miller Lite. Facilitating this kind of lifestyle is one of BZ’s institutional failings. It’s tragic that we sometimes have to switch from Guinness to Miller Lite due to lootlessness.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Last night, The Shadow actually showed up to do the first part of the interview about his disappearance in July of 2010, as per our negotiated agreement. I guess he’s pretty desperate to stay out of the clink after what happened to him last time he was on the inside. After getting over my shock and alarm, I set up recording equipment, brought out some beer, and we went to work. In the interest of saving time, rather than having BZ wage slaves transcribe the interview, I elected to simply upload the (audio-only) interview as one of those weak-ass YouTube videos where there are just pictures and stuff, and audio to go with it. This has proven to be a poor strategy as it has actually taken much more time than anticipated, but. . . whatever. It’s done now.

Part 1.1

This picture isn’t really relevant to this interview, it’s just me, flashing our new logo at you, like BAM!!!!! We’s professional now. We got a logo and everything.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Finally, after days and days of having uploads cancelled due to unknown errors, part two of my interview with The Shadow has been posted.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – In this, the thrilling conclusion to my interview with The Shadow, his furriness reveals what the aliens wanted with him, and the questions they asked him. The drunken Shadow then walks out, taking my last Sierra Nevada Glissade with him. Fucking bastard.

NEXT TIME: a new interview with The Shadow, featuring PICTURES THE SHADOW TOOK WHILE ON BOARD THE SAUCER, and their eerie connection with the coming end of life as we know it. But for right now, just listen to the interview.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Two weeks ago I had The Shadow right here in the Fat Cave answering interview questions, and after about half an hour he stormed out, taking my last beer with him. I did not see The Shadow again until last night. After a heated email exchange in which I threatened to have him arrested for hacking the site, he agreed to come in and talk. I would just post the audio files of the interview, but that format killed our numbers over the last two weeks – apparently you people would rather read than listen – so I’ve had BZ wage slaves transcribe the next segment of the interview with The Shadow. In future, this will be our interview format. Happy reading. You fucking nerds.

An as yet uninterpreted Mayan glyph, rendered in a shiny metal of unknown origin (therefore it must be extraterrestrial. Cause, you know, we know everything, what with computers and all, so how could there possibly be anything we don’t know about? I mean, there’s Wikipedia and stuff. . .).

That fat fuck will use these texts to decode the strange glyphs The Shadow left in the Fat Cave.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – I spent a full week here in the Fat Cave, working laboriously with scholarly texts and these strange silvery glyphs that clearly have Mayan origins, and have finally arrived at a full translation. In order to make sense of them, I had to re-arrange the pictures retrieved from The Shadow’s camera – otherwise they make no sense. However, in their new configuration, they make a fairly clear statement, which follows.

This is a complex glyph that requires right-to-left translation. The two non-representational pictograms on the left are indicators of time and action. The first indicates the approach of the end of the calendar, or time cycle. The second pictogram is equivalent to the future tense of the English verb to be. The third pictogram indicates literally the fall of a great man. Now, this isn’t exactly what it appears – obviously the Mayans didn’t use precisely the same idioms that we use. It does indicate a fall, but this fall is representative of the death of a great man. However, the fact that the man in this glyph is unidentified and wearing ceremonial garb, indicates that it may refer to a great man and his followers, a great man and his ideas, or the man himself may even be dead already, and the fall indicates what will happen to his legacy. This glyph, then, is more or less ambiguous, translating roughly to when the end of time approaches, the great man (or men) and/or his ideas and/or his legacy will die.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clayton, MO – For those of you who don’t know, The Fat Kid isn’t just a bloated fucker who sits around eating and waiting for some UFO shit to happen – he’s also a professional. That is, not only does he work for a major institution that you’ve all heard of, but he also belongs to several professional societies, not least of which is the International Society for the Study of Mayanism (ISSM). This weekend, he bought two seats on an old and extremely dangerous Southwest Airlines Boeing 737, and flew out to Missouri, of all places, to tell the world of his findings.

This is the lobby of the hotel where Fatty stayed. Good thing he got a conference discount – BZ would never spring for the price of a hotel that has two different colors of floor tile.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – My trip to Missouri was really enlightening. The point of academic conferences, for those of you who don’t know, isn’t just to get shitfaced in a city far away from your wife. It’s also partly to exchange ideas with other academics and, more importantly, get feedback from other experts in your field on the work you’ve done. And the feedback I got in Missouri was very useful, but more or less what I expected. Several heavy hitters in the field of Mayanism were really impressed with the presentation I gave, and to a person they agreed that my translation was dead-on-balls accurate. So, we are going to die, it looks like. Yay.

Goodbye, old friend.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – Last week I reported that strange beings and forces were following me, and that an insanely paranoid Decanus was carrying an illegal and very dangerous rifle around the woods of north Columbus. This week I decided that it was necessary to refer back to my main source of information – The Shadow – to see if he had any additional news regarding the pending end of the world. However, I found him in quite a state.

Triangulum Galaxy: The giant pinwheel of dust and gas where The Shadow plans to spend the rest of his life with a decent looking chick, after the rest of us have been crushed into an incredibly small point.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – Last week I reported that The Shadow was working on raising the money to build his own flying saucer, so he could get off this planet before Quetzalcoatl turns our galaxy into a bigger black hole than physicists had previously thought possible. However, there was a lot of technical jargon in that article that may have thrown some of our readers off. This week, I thought I would return to The Shadow’s sub-bridge apartment and get him to clarify some of those details, so we could show the reader exactly how space travel works.

This fake saucer is actually pretty awesome. I’d like to build one that looks like that. Anyway, The Shadow plans to use a bunch of stuff that he’s going to exploit women to get his furry mitts on, to build a real flying saucer, so he can get off this rock and avoid the coming apocalypse.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – Last week I conducted an interview with The Shadow regarding superconductivity and the mechanics of space travel in an effort to help a cash-poor but space ship design-rich Shadow convince women to appear nude on his website. So far, none of the women we’ve spoken with are convinced that his ship will work, or that there is even a real need to leave Earth, let alone the Milky Way. However, we proceed undaunted in hopes that someone of loose morals can be persuaded to participate in this.

The Shadow's saucer will hopefully be better than this one that appeared over the Santa Ana desert in 1965 – the same year the first Doors record came out. When this saucer flew off, it left a ring of black smoke behind it. Apparently, it was one of the older diesel models.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As many of you recall, of late The Shadow has been trying to persuade women to help him build a porn site, by offering them a free spot on the flying saucer he plans to build in order to get off the earth before the legitimate apocalypse happens in December of 2012. However, he has had no luck. As I have reported elsewhere, women in general are not stupid enough to believe him. Or me. Or Decanus either, really. But anyway, this afternoon, I received a strange email from The Shadow that looks rather like a commercial.

The Fat Kid received this email from The Shadow on Saturday. It looks like it may have been drafted with the help of Dan Gilbert.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – After his failed attempts to get chicks to get naked on his website, The Shadow changed strategies, opting instead to try to start a bromance with any dude rich enough to finance his saucer project. This also turned out to be a poor strategy, which he quickly abandoned. Things then took a turn for the worse with The Shadow. On Thursday night, he was arrested for public drunkenness and public urination. On Friday night he was arrested for trespassing, public drunkenness, stealing a backhoe, operating heavy equipment without certification, and operating heavy equipment while under the influence of alcohol. I personally bailed him out on Friday night, but he wouldn’t speak to me about the matter, and he has since disappeared.

The Shadow was arrested for getting drunk, stealing this backhoe, and parking it on top of this pile of broken cement on a construction site in Upper Arlington. Is this a good sign or a bad sign?

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As previously reported The Shadow has been trying to build a flying saucer that would allow him to get the hell out of the Milky Way before its utter destruction, and there have been conflicting stories regarding his success or failure in that venture. Today, however, Upper Arlington (including my apartment) was abuzz about a saucer sighted in broad daylight, in a highly populated area just a quarter of a mile from his home under Shadow Bridge.

This saucer was seen hovering over a silver Chevy Impala, right outside The Fat Kid’s apartment. Based on the size of the car, we calculate that the saucer was at least 10 feet long.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As most of you know, at 1:30 PM this past Sunday a saucer was sighted right outside my apartment in Upper Arlington, and because I live within walking distance of Shadow Bridge, and since The Shadow had elaborate plans for building his own saucer, there was much speculation about whether it was his. Since that time pretty much nothing happened until Wednesday afternoon when there was a deafening explosion – again at about 1:30 PM. I went outside and saw a plume of smoke rising from the east. I jumped in my ride, and before I got two blocks I saw utter devastation.

What’s left of an extraordinarily shitty Damon’s restaurant, where it took forty-five minutes to get some awful fries and a half-cooked cheeseburger – extra chewy. The Fat Kid claims it was destroyed by a saucer similar to the one seen near his apartment last week, and that he’s glad it’s fucking gone. The saucer allegedly created and entered the big triangular hole, and then blew the fuck up.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Olentangy River Trail – After days of round-the-clock reconnaissance at Shadow Bridge I was finally able to wrest substantial information out of the Shadow regarding the recent spate of saucer sightings in and around Upper Arlington – and the saucers were in fact his.

After days of watching, The Fat Kid got this and other photos of The Shadow’s saucer, parked near Shadow Bridge Using objects in the photograph for scale, we calculate that the craft is forty feet in diameter, and twelve feet tall – much bigger than the saucer sighted at the Fat Cave.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As the sober among you (I make no judgments) may recall, The Shadow recently finished building his own flying saucer, and was making plans to leave the Milky Way altogether and colonize the Triangulum Galaxy. Early this morning (meaning 3:00 AM) I got an email pursuant to that, containing an announcement regarding The Shadow’s final exit from this toilet Earth.

This diagram, which shows the effect an Alcubierre Warp Drive (a.k.a. Shadowtronic Suck Drive) has on space, illustrates how The Shadow plans to get to the Triangulum Galaxy. Also, it looks cool as hell.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As very very VERY few of you will recall, The Shadow has recently left the Earth and the Milky Way for the Triangulum Galaxy and an otherwise unknown planet which, in an extraordinary burst of creativity, he dubbed New Earth. As you also probably do not recall, The Shadow is the only intelligent creature on that whole planet, but even so he has declined to bring anyone with him, and plans to live the rest of his life there in complete isolation. However, just before leaving, he promised to write to those of us who are not sophisticated enough to build a Shadowtronic Suck Drive and fly out of here before Quetzalcoatl comes back and busts the Earth’s bitch ass. This afternoon he kept that promise, and wrote me an email. And then he wrote me another, and another, and another.

The Triangulum Nebula, where The Shadow is hanging out on his own little Kashyyk, rollin’ all Gigantopithecus-style. Which just means in the woods.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As some of you may know, after only a couple days of staring at Sopranos DVDs and whacking off in the space woods, The Shadow went completely crazy from the boredom of living on his unpopulated planet, New Earth. You may also recall that he then started pestering me with email. Well, that situation escalated, and he wound up doing ridiculous stuff, like flying back to Old Earth in the middle of the night and trying to get me to go to Bob’s Bar with him. And of course I went. But my larger point here is that The Shadow has been having a hell of a time trying to figure out what to do with himself in the absence of people to be around/fuck with. But now he’s found a solution.

A Shadowtronic wine label from The Shadow’s natural vineyard on New Earth. It tastes just like it looks – skunky and rich, with delicate mineral notes beneath the musky sulfurous goat-in-the-rain flavor. 17 points.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As everyone knows by now, The Shadow has started a vineyard on his planet, New Earth, in the Triangulum Galaxy. However, his Vineyard has already met with a serious roadblock on the way to liquidity. And that roadblock is called poison.

The FDA has determined that New Earth wine is poisonous, fatal if swallowed, and has demanded the re-labeling of all “Vin Shadowtronique,” including the following varietals: Non Scio, Vester Genetrix, Acetosus Sauvignon, and Odio Vos.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Late last night I was searching the internet for. . . completely normal things, when I happened upon the following personal ad:

Tall, fat, sweaty sasquatch-type with no income or practical training, seeks loud, selfish, alcoholic cunt to yell at him periodically and add instability to his already unstable life. Must have piercing, nasal voice, mood swings, and be completely irrational. It's best that she not speak English – Spanish or Esperanto preferred, but any incomprehensible language will do. Must be willing to travel, like vacuums, stars, trees, and isolation. No lawyers, shrinks, or cops – and if you are a cop, you gotta tell me. (Traduzca Este Artículo)

I thought this could only belong to one person (or person-like thing), so I contacted The Shadow seeking comment.

The Shadow in profile, showing off his slim-for-an-unemployed-carbo-loading-ape physique, and his pendulous moobs, which are conspicuously absent from his otherwise honest and self-deprecating personal ad.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Over the past several weeks ancient Celtic goddess Danu has been threatening to kill everyone on the Earth if she doesn’t get her weekly goat. Then last week, even though she got her goat, plus several back goats, she was still in a threatening and super-pissy mood, and claimed that she was kicking ass and taking names the very next time she was forced to live through another goatless Saturday. But she didn’t deliver on that promise. This Saturday, there was something strange going on in Whetstone Park. I mean, other than the normal strange stuff.

The goddess Danu doing her Jim Morrison impression at Saturday’s goatless bonfire. Note that she is paying zero attention to Picto (not pictured).

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As many of you may recall, last week, The Shadow and Decanus Picto’s would-be girlfriend, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, were spotted together in Whetstone Park, when Danu was expected to be destroying the world. Picto, feeling abandoned, moped around the park for several days before entirely disappearing from public view into his Clintonville chateau. Since that time, however, BlueZer0 has acquired the text of a Dear Decanus letter, so to speak, that the goddess allegedly sent to him. Meanwhile, Shadu have been seen all over Columbus, O-H to the I-O.

The Shadow and Danu have been seen here, at the Motel Acyclovir, the third cheapest motel in all of Ohio. It is covered by most insurance plans, however; you should consult your insurance provider’s formulary before checking in.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – Last week Decanus Picto said some pretty fierce things about The Shadow and his new girlfriend, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu. In particular, he said that he hoped that The Shadow would go back to New Earth, where he had previously relocated, partly in an effort to avoid prosecution, and partly to avoid the utter destruction predicted by pictograms found inside a flying saucer. This week, things have taken a turn for the worse for Picto, as The Shadow has done exactly the opposite.

Picto with his illegally modified AR-15 anti-Christian assault rifle, which can also apparently be used for killing the fuck out of Sasquatches.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – As all you Danu worshippers out there know, the ancient Celtic goddess Danu left former BZ CEO, POTUS, and space music artist Decanus Picto for the Shadow, forming the media darling celebrity couple, Shadu. However, other than this quickly thrown together interview, we never really heard the story of their meeting, falling in love, or moving into the woods of north Clintonville together to await the [real] apocalypse. So here, for the first time is the story of the new couple, in their own words.

Decanus Picto provided us with this pic (taken by black squirrel spies) of the ancient Celtic goddess Danu, pissing in the north Clintonville woods. Because that’s where she lives now, in the woods with The Shadow and the black squirrels, and Picto probably stalking them. Which seems pretty wrong. And yes, it’s totally snowing here, even though it’s only October. What? It’s cold in Ohio.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Clintonville – As many of you may have read on BlueZer0’s Twitter feed, The Fat Kid has had a complete mental break, and will not be available to write this week’s article. However, in recognition of my incredible skills, and because there is legitimate reporting to be done in Clintonville, BlueZer0 has asked me to fill in for that unstable chubsy fuck – and I’m doing it. In order to help out (and for a nominal fee), I have agreed to report this week’s incredi-fucking-ble news regarding Chateau Clintonville while fatso convalesces. By doing so, I will not only improve the overall quality of the site, but also further squash the fucktarded ancient-school rumors that he and I are the same person. So, everybody that thinks that can fuck off. Or eat a dick. Whichever.

The Fat Kid had a nervous breakdown after seeing the spirit of the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device [picture above circa 2007] in the East Wing of Chateau 4030 in Clintonville. His future availability to write for the site is in question due to the shock and strain on his tiny brain, which is surrounded by at least six inches of fat. Ew.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Clintonville – After last week’s thrilling article detailing the haunting of Chateau Clintonville, the whole world has been waiting for this Sunday to come, desperate to hear what news from beyond. And I, Shadow Humperdink Esq., have delivered. I have conducted a séance in the basement of the Chateau, during the course of which I contacted the device, and learned many dark secrets of Clintonville, and the underworld.

The Shadow captured this picture of the BAGD’s ghost last week, and I felt like it wasn’t prominent enough in that article, so look again. Ooooooooooooo!

The Shadow reporting. . .

Clintonville – You all remember from last week that I, The Shadow, left that fat, puffy fucker on the floor, catatonic from fright again. Well, Wednesday evening or roughly thereabouts that fat fuck woke up, and I was able to ask him what happened. He told me that an old guy, a redneck, and the BAGD – the trio of malevolent spirits that haunt the chateau – materialized in his apartment, and began to menace him in various ways including but not limited to pushing, taunting, and making weird faces at him. I asked fat boy what they said, and he told me that they told him “secrets, things heard only in hell,” and that we would hear them, too, when we went there. Then they showed him a vision of the abyss, accompanied by a song with a strangely familiar singer, at which point he lost consciousness.

Apparently, it wasn’t the spirits that haunt the chateau that scared The Fat Kid half to death, but rather the vision of hell that they showed him. The Fat Kid refuses to tell either the secrets they told him, or to describe hell itself, but BZ scholars think it most likely looks like this goofy Hieronymus Bosch painting from all types of back in the day. He also did this real stupid one with a canary that eats you, and makes other birds, like barn swallows or something, come out of your ass. Yeah, that’s not scary. Or it kinda is, actually.

Clintonville - As The Fat Kid continues his convalescence behind the bolted door of his chateau suite, many of you loyal readers should be familiar as to why he cannot contribute to BlueZer0.net at this time. And, many of you do know that The Shadow has been filling in the last few weeks. What all of you don't know is it seems our favorite skunk ape isn't submitting an article this week and is avoiding our calls. However, we at BZ believe we know why he is laying low. So it's now up to me, Pimples Malone, BZ's webmaster and photographer, to share with you that understanding of why in this week's posting.

There are those of us associated with BlueZer0.net, Decanus and I for example, that despise The Shadow. He has burned most of us in the past. When I say burned I mean he has set us up for some really nasty shit including an abduction by aliens and the drinking of poisoned wine. There's one thing you can always count on when it comes to that furry bastard and his involvement in your project, he's working a scam or a con to take full advantage of your hard work. This time, with his filling in at BZ by leading the investigation into the Haunting of the Chateau Clintonville he has proved himself to be the same old dirty ape. With Decanus away with his Black Squirrels craziness and The Fat Kid drinking his way through sleepless nights the sasquatch we all hate had free use of the BZ offices. Now he is gone and so is our priceless Margaret James drawing.

The Two Wheeled Love Machine , as we call it, is a Crayola™ drawing created by the loving hand of Margaret James.

So stay tuned. The Fat Kid and Decanus will surely return to their former greatness and right this terrible wrong done against BZ and art lovers everywhere!

-Pimples Malone

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus – After tolerating several weeks worth of sub-standard reporting, and no article at all last week, I have returned to BZ, even though my nerves are still shot. Mainly I was asked to return to investigate the disappearance of BZ’s priceless Margaret James original. Though I did not locate the centerpiece of BZ’s art collection, I did manage to locate The Shadow – in jail.

The Shadow, pictured here in the visiting room at the Franklin County Correctional Center, at 370 S. Front Street, Columbus, OH 43215.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Clintonville – After our Christmas day article word got out to the goddess Danu that The Shadow had carelessly referred to her as a bitch. Danu has drafted the following letter in response.

The goddess Danu is super-pissed that The Shadow called her a bitch, so she’s going to crush some random people’s skulls. It’s like bubble wrap to her.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Columbus – Since Christmas Eve The Shadow has been held at the Franklin County Correctional Facility in lieu of $80 bail for possession of a Schedule I narcotic, with intent to distribute. Though he was initially charged with selling forged artwork as well, those charges were dropped because the forgeries were so poor. However, due to a delayed hearing caused by difficulties establishing the chain of custody of the evidence in his case, there has been no sentence handed down. And due to no one liking the bitch-ass Shadow, no one has scraped together eighty dollars to get him out. So, there he sat. Until Friday.

This still frame from security camera footage recorded during The Shadow’s daring escape from the Franklin County Correctional Facility, shows his more simian side. Maybe he’s a Gigantopithecus after all.