The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

The Hinterlands – The Shadow has been missing since July 30th, and there has been no sign of him anywhere – he has even stopped urinating on the BZ office doors, a nightly ritual of his for three years now. Desperate to contact The Shadow, we located his estranged wife, Consuela. Though she declined to speak with us about The Shadow’s whereabouts, she did issue this short statement: Ese hijo de puta me debe 43 dólares, y si no me paga, mi primo Ramón romperá las rodillas. Our BZ staffers are working on the translation, but right now they think it means that he’s with a really good or primo guy named Ramón. Where this Ramón is, we can’t say.

The Shadow, seen here drunk in a Florida jungle.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

COLUMBUS, OH – Eighteen days ago The Shadow posted an earth-shaking article that included close-up photographs of the markings on the side of an authentic flying saucer – markings that may correspond to those said to be on the sides of some of the most famous UFO’s of all time, like the famous Kecksburg Acorn, the mini-triangle Jim Penniston and John Burroughs encountered in Rendlesham Forest, and even the top secret Die Glocke, more commonly known as the “Nazi Bell,” which was one of Hitler’s most revolutionary wunderwaffe, and possibly based on extraterrestrial technology. Though certain people have recreated these markings from memory, no one but The Shadow has ever produced pictures. However, since unveiling his history-making photos, he has been scarce.

The Shadow, seen here strolling through the woods, has disappeared.

The Shadow reporting. . .

This statue of Icarus, a dumbass who thought he could fly with wax and feathers, is in the lobby of the National Museum of the US Air Force at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base.

DAYTON – On the surface, Wright-Patterson looks like a normal air force base. On the Wright Field side, there’s a museum that houses what I’d imagine is the finest collection of American military aircraft in the world. They even have formerly classified planes, like the infamous, glowing-red U2 spy plane, and the F-117 Stealth Fighter. The Patterson side seems little different than a normal, working air force base. There are landing strips, hangars, the occasional C-130 loading cargo, soliders milling about. There does seem to be an unusual number of F-16s patrolling the area, but it is an air force base, so that could only be considered slightly out of the ordinary. But if you choose to speculate, you could draw some interesting inferences.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Ominous hangars at Wright-Patterson AFB, where The Shadow has tracked the saucer.

DAYTON – Dayton’s Wright-Patterson Air Force Base has a long history filled with military and ufological secrets. There are even rumors that there is an underground base beneath the visible surface-level base. However, many in the ufological community believe that Wright-Patterson’s days as a major center of UFO and experimental technology are more or less over. After investigators revealed that the wreckage of the famous Roswell saucer was transported there, the base was so frequently beset by investigators that it would have been foolish to continue running any but the most mundane operations at Wright-Patterson – it would have been like testing a secret craft in front of a camera crew. But sixty-three years have passed since the Roswell incident, and things have quieted down quite a bit. Other than a small crowd of investigators that cropped up after the appearance of some black triangles in central Ohio a couple years ago, the base has been more or less quiet. Maybe even quiet enough to make Wright-Patterson officials think it was safe to start up the old programs again.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – While the rest of you dipshits were watching for a new report on Decanus’s presidential run, I was out doing the real reporting. Not relying on other people’s work, but actually gathering information, and being out in the field. Really super late at night. Walking through my girlfriend’s neighborhood. Which also happens to be my weed dealer’s neighborhood. But that’s also the field. And I wasn’t holding, so there’s nothing you can do about it. And anyway, nobody saw me, or nobody that’ll talk, so go to hell. Cop.

This video shows what The Shadow claims was a massive cruciform UFO, flying over the Upper Arlington neighborhood of Columbus, Ohio.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After last week’s rainstorm, I managed to sneak out of the posh and pleasant Fat Cave unnoticed by the alien authorities, who must have assumed that their vicious rain attack had subdued me. I felt like I had to return to the crash site ASAP, but it was about a half hour walk, so I borrowed the Fat Cycle. Despite its structural damage, I made my way there, but to no avail – the rain had turned the river an opaque brown that there was no hope of seeing through. Furthermore, the level of the river had risen, and the already turgid Olentangy was running even faster. There was essentially nothing I could do but wait and watch.

The Fat Cycle: Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah FAT MAN!!!!

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – It seems like nothing happened this past week. I mean, we got an insane, open-ended, ridiculously-worded email from a very Jesusy man whose point (other than that he’s going to somehow bring us down because we aren’t Jesusy) was unclear. And there was the BZ audience’s utter failure to participate in the interactive feature, Spot the Gray, which is apparently lame even though we think it’s awesome and will probably continue with it just for our own amusement. But otherwise, there was nothing. Until last night.

The Shadow shot this octagonal flying saucer down last night, and it crashed into the muddy Olentangy.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – After several contiguous days and nights of prison-grade profligacy with Columbus’s own Fourth Avenue Hobo Crew, I was fortunate enough to find myself face up in a shallow part of the Olentangy. However, after I shook off the haze of so much turpentine and 2009 Côtes du Brôoklyn Sterno brand methanol, I realized the reason for my extraordinarily early 11AM waking, was that there was a strange saucer hovering near the third avenue bridge.

This circa 2003 (yeah, we’re that old) pic of The Shadow trying to flag down Tan at the Realm of the Tooth roughly recreates the scene at Third Avenue early this morning. Except this morning, he was wet, and drunk. And he has brain damage from huffing solvents, so you probably don’t want to listen to him anyway.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After my most recent article, I started checking around with my sources, but no one seemed to be able to tell me very much. Though many people had seen the saucers around the new/old Upper Arlington monument, none of them could say with any degree of certainty why they were there. However, those were just my Ohio sources which, as we know, are a bunch of insane, cokehead hillbillies. So, delving deep into my hard drive, I looked around for some real sources that might be able to tell me something useful about the situation.

An old BlueZer0 contact that proved useful. Good thing we archive everything.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – I’ve been studying the ancient ruins of Olentangea for so long that I almost lost track of our real subject here at BlueZer0, which is the alien presence on/around earth, and particularly here in Upper Arlington, and central Ohio. As many of you may remember, the occasion of the study of ancient Olentangea was a saucer sighting around the new/old Upper Arlington monument.

The new/old Upper Arlington monument, as it appeared in early June, 2009.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – In an effort to understand the alien connection to the Olentangeans, I have attempted to map out the details of life in ancient Olentangea. To that end, I have closely examined many of the artifacts left behind by that ancient people, and have attempted to deduce from those objects what life was like on those now-sunken islands. And a strange picture it is.

This ancient tennis ball was found by The Shadow on the muddy island of Enano. It appears that the ancient Olentangeans played a game similar to tennis. Other evidence indicates that they were aficionados of all the effeminate sports.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – South of Turtles Be Chillin’ Here Island, the sites we find along the river start to take on a different character than those of the Upper Kingdom. The Upper Kingdom is very much like Clintonville, the neighborhood that is now on the river’s edge in that area, in that it is very boring. Its main site, the Clintonville Steppe, has mainly to do with shipping and commerce, while the Lane Avenue complex is a suburban offshoot that was mainly a housing area for workers. This is the stuff of large-scale civilization, but in a boring way – it concerns the business of running an empire: logistics, transportation, and distribution. The southern area, though, is quite strange.

The Clintonville Steppe, according to The Shadow, is boring.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Here in my sub-bridge library, I have been straining my eyes by candlelight at night, and dazzling them in sunlight by day, reading and reading, trying to explain the ancient mysteries of central Ohio. I have collected as much evidence as possible above water, and have even done some swimming and diving, braving the dangerous Olentangy currents, to scrounge up evidence from the sediment around the blocks, and I believe I have worked out a solution to this most puzzling of Ohio’s many paranormal/supernatural/extraterrestrial/archaeological mysteries. Are you ready to hear the truth, dear reader?

Turtles Be Chillin’ Here Island, part of the Olentangea Complex, was once part of a thriving metropolis. It now lies mostly underwater.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – I’ve been doing quite a lot of reading under my Shadowy bridge, a lot of fact checking, and correlating what I’ve read with what I’m seeing in the Olentangy, and it seems that things here are much larger in scope than I had previously imagined.

These huge blocks, the remnants of the 10,000 year old civilization of Pumapunku, are very similar in size and shape to the blocks The Shadow has located in the Olentangy.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – This area is mostly known for simple things; its quaint Victorian architecture, its trendy shops and upper-crust restaurants, all the super-hot college pussy it houses for three-quarters of the year. Little did the residents of this expensive, trendy neighborhood realize that they were living on the site of what may be the most important archaeological find of the century.

The Shadow has found a proliferation of immense stone blocks like this one, some submerged and some partially submerged, in the Olentangy.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Victorian Village – Days after talking to super-secret hobo source Joe McGucket about the concurrence of our saucer sightings, and getting all trashed huffing turpentine, and falling down the bank and getting all muddy and shit, and losing my keys in the river, and spending like four hours looking for them but still not finding them, I made some shocking discoveries in the area of the Third Avenue bridge.

The saucer-shaped craft was seen hovering above this underwater stone circle in the Third Avenue area.

The Shadow reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – In this largely quiet section of the city, no one expects much to happen. However, since July of 2008, strange things have been seen by those who actually look, especially in the area of the Mexican chateau, and the stone circle that abut the Olentangy river in an ominous formation.

This four-way intersection of road, river, stone circle, and cemetery, with the addition of the new/old Upper Arlington monument, promises a high concentration of weird and unexplainable events this season.

The Fat Kid reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – As some of you may have gathered, there is a strange new archaeological site here in Northwest Columbus, immediately east of the Mexican Chateau. A little over a year ago, state archaeologists acquired a business license and building permits, and began to raze the building that used to stand next to the Mexican Chateau, and to erect a giant monument. Construction seems to be nearing completion.

The Mexican Chateau, marked A. Immediately to the right, on the site of what was formerly an office building, an ancient monument is being restored.