BlueZer0.net

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After several consecutive seasons in which BZ has made predictions that didn’t come true, or left loose ends, or ended with cliffhangers that were never resolved, I finally got angry enough to track down The Shadow in his under-bridge apartment which he now shares, by the way, with several hobos and about ten thousand body lice, and make him explain. The following interview was transcribed verbatim.

The Shadowtastic apartment, which is now much less roomy. And has more hobos than ever.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – The chateau has been quiet since the death of C’Ville’s erstwhile master of the hoedown, Gary Doe. However, in recent weeks, BZ staffers seem to have come out of hibernation like snakes in the spring. To wit; almost three weeks ago, Pimples Malone was seen getting drunk in the back parking lot, where he encountered the ominous and elusive Shadow, who drank like half his beer and didn’t even offer him any money for it or anything.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- After many long years of waiting, and complaining -- so many years that the product line changed names from iBook to MacBook -- The Fat Kid finally sprung for the new Mac that has to last him another six+ years. It cost him his future, and the greater part of his wife’s future, but it was worth it to be the envy of former PbLFers for the few months that it’ll be state-of-the-art.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- More than two months after his latest post, I located The Fat Kid. Pimping mad journalistic/stalking skills that should at least land me a better name than The Third Fictional Reporter, I scouted him out unawares in the Upper Arlington neighborhood of Columbus. I mean, actually I was just visiting the drive-through liquor store, and he was walking out, but I’m saying, I noticed he was there, which ought to be worth a real name, at least.

The Third (and final) Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville -- After many weeks of tense waiting, and working a menial job just to stay afloat at his luxurious Chateau, The Fat Kid finally received his Alienese decoder pin, which cost him many, many box tops. Plus a 41¢ stamp.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Columbus -- From his lair/“school” on the outskirts of Columbus, The Shadow has been firing off emails to everyone he knows, denying that there are inaccuracies in his translation of the Alienese ransom note delivered to The Fat Kid’s home in the city’s Clintonville section.

Yet another fictional reporter reporting. . .

NEWARK - It has long been remarked that The Fat Kid and The Shadow have lived in the same neighborhood, paid the same illegal immigrant for sex and housecleaning services, driven the same car, reported on the same stories, “worked” for the same “news” site, and been fat. But only recently has conjecture passed over the idea that they’re gay for each other, and put forth this second and more extravagant theory -- that they are the same fat fuck.