Yet another fictional reporter reporting. . .

NEWARK - It has long been remarked that The Fat Kid and The Shadow have lived in the same neighborhood, paid the same illegal immigrant for sex and housecleaning services, driven the same car, reported on the same stories, “worked” for the same “news” site, and been fat. But only recently has conjecture passed over the idea that they’re gay for each other, and put forth this second and more extravagant theory -- that they are the same fat fuck.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Columbus -- From his lair/“school” on the outskirts of Columbus, The Shadow has been firing off emails to everyone he knows, denying that there are inaccuracies in his translation of the Alienese ransom note delivered to The Fat Kid’s home in the city’s Clintonville section.

The Third (and final) Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville -- After many weeks of tense waiting, and working a menial job just to stay afloat at his luxurious Chateau, The Fat Kid finally received his Alienese decoder pin, which cost him many, many box tops. Plus a 41¢ stamp.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- More than two months after his latest post, I located The Fat Kid. Pimping mad journalistic/stalking skills that should at least land me a better name than The Third Fictional Reporter, I scouted him out unawares in the Upper Arlington neighborhood of Columbus. I mean, actually I was just visiting the drive-through liquor store, and he was walking out, but I’m saying, I noticed he was there, which ought to be worth a real name, at least.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington -- After many long years of waiting, and complaining -- so many years that the product line changed names from iBook to MacBook -- The Fat Kid finally sprung for the new Mac that has to last him another six+ years. It cost him his future, and the greater part of his wife’s future, but it was worth it to be the envy of former PbLFers for the few months that it’ll be state-of-the-art.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – The chateau has been quiet since the death of C’Ville’s erstwhile master of the hoedown, Gary Doe. However, in recent weeks, BZ staffers seem to have come out of hibernation like snakes in the spring. To wit; almost three weeks ago, Pimples Malone was seen getting drunk in the back parking lot, where he encountered the ominous and elusive Shadow, who drank like half his beer and didn’t even offer him any money for it or anything.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – After several consecutive seasons in which BZ has made predictions that didn’t come true, or left loose ends, or ended with cliffhangers that were never resolved, I finally got angry enough to track down The Shadow in his under-bridge apartment which he now shares, by the way, with several hobos and about ten thousand body lice, and make him explain. The following interview was transcribed verbatim.

The Shadowtastic apartment, which is now much less roomy. And has more hobos than ever.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

COLUMBUS, OH – Eighteen days ago The Shadow posted an earth-shaking article that included close-up photographs of the markings on the side of an authentic flying saucer – markings that may correspond to those said to be on the sides of some of the most famous UFO’s of all time, like the famous Kecksburg Acorn, the mini-triangle Jim Penniston and John Burroughs encountered in Rendlesham Forest, and even the top secret Die Glocke, more commonly known as the “Nazi Bell,” which was one of Hitler’s most revolutionary wunderwaffe, and possibly based on extraterrestrial technology. Though certain people have recreated these markings from memory, no one but The Shadow has ever produced pictures. However, since unveiling his history-making photos, he has been scarce.

The Shadow, seen here strolling through the woods, has disappeared.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

The Hinterlands – The Shadow has been missing since July 30th, and there has been no sign of him anywhere – he has even stopped urinating on the BZ office doors, a nightly ritual of his for three years now. Desperate to contact The Shadow, we located his estranged wife, Consuela. Though she declined to speak with us about The Shadow’s whereabouts, she did issue this short statement: Ese hijo de puta me debe 43 dólares, y si no me paga, mi primo Ramón romperá las rodillas. Our BZ staffers are working on the translation, but right now they think it means that he’s with a really good or primo guy named Ramón. Where this Ramón is, we can’t say.

The Shadow, seen here drunk in a Florida jungle.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

COLUMBUS – This past Wednesday, the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device fulfilled its life-long dream of not having to get up in the morning and go through this all over again, by hanging itself from the Third Avenue Bridge in the Victorian Village neighborhood of Columbus. The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device took it extremely hard when a delusional Decanus Picto disbanded his touring group, The Biaviians, of which the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device was a member, because laptop D’arcy Wretzky’s battery died, and Decanus was too wrecked to realized he could just plug her back in.

The BAGD's "happy ending," at the end of a rope tied to the 3rd Avenue Bridge. It's probably best this way.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

CLINTONVILLE – In the relatively minor wake of the Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device’s suicide, people from around Clintonville are holding an around-the-clock vigil near the BAGD’s crypt outside BZ offices.

Left: The BAGD’S sheet metal tomb is metallurgically identical to the device’s tubing, and the tomb itself is shaped like its original shipping crate. It has been painted with brown Rustoleum™ to symbolize eternal life, and that People = Shit.* Right: The tomb of Starsky the Gerbil.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

CLINTONVILLE – The round-the-clock vigil at the BAGD’s tomb has continued unabated since its interment on Sunday. Every few minutes a new mourner comes along and the rats scatter as he or she tosses a tribute bag onto or around the tomb, which has long since been filled with such bags. The mourners stop coming around three or four AM, when the war between rats and raccoons rages, but they start showing up again just before sunrise, when we’re stumbling in somnambulance so pre-dawn corpses come to life.

In an effort to understand this unexpected outpouring of love and support, I attempted to interview a mourner at 2:30 this morning, but she was overcome with grief. You can watch the interview below.

The police came shortly after the Third Fictional Reporter attacked this pretty young girl in that most romantic of places – by the dumpsters.

Hoping to gain some kind of insight into the kinds of feelings these mourners have for the BAGD, and, more to the point, why, we forced BZ laborers to do a statistical analysis of the contents of many, many tribute bags. Though we have not gained any insight, we have turned the data they gathered during hours and hours of labor under unsanitary conditions into this clean and colorful pie chart:

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Delaware County, PA – A friend of BZ staffers captured the below image while driving on PA Route 452 just north of Wilmington, Delaware yesterday. We at BZ investigated the offending asshats’ website, and discovered that they are predicting a different End of World (EoW) date than 12/21/2012, which Mayans and foil-hatted new-agers like us have agreed on for the better part of four years now.

The people in this truck believe different silly shit than the silly shit we believe, so we’re pissed.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Upper Arlington – Two weeks ago The Fat Kid reported that The long-lost Shadow had been spotted at Worthington’s best Irish pub, PK O’Ryan’s. He then stationed himself at the bar to await The Shadow’s return. We at BZ headquarters started to worry after three or four days with no word from his fatness, and I was sent to look for him. I did not find The Fat Kid there, but I was told that he had faithfully manned his post, and that he had even been sleeping in the parking lot after they closed. But alcohol got the best of him, and eventually he stumbled out in much the same state as The Shadow did last week.

The Fat Kid, totally wrecked. His course of drunkenness went first through Guinness, but later changed tracks to Miller Lite. Facilitating this kind of lifestyle is one of BZ’s institutional failings. It’s tragic that we sometimes have to switch from Guinness to Miller Lite due to lootlessness.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clayton, MO – For those of you who don’t know, The Fat Kid isn’t just a bloated fucker who sits around eating and waiting for some UFO shit to happen – he’s also a professional. That is, not only does he work for a major institution that you’ve all heard of, but he also belongs to several professional societies, not least of which is the International Society for the Study of Mayanism (ISSM). This weekend, he bought two seats on an old and extremely dangerous Southwest Airlines Boeing 737, and flew out to Missouri, of all places, to tell the world of his findings.

This is the lobby of the hotel where Fatty stayed. Good thing he got a conference discount – BZ would never spring for the price of a hotel that has two different colors of floor tile.

The Third Fictional reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – As many of you may know, colossal asshat and failed End of the World (EoW) prognosticator Harold Camping used some nonsense he called “biblical mathematics” to predict that the world would end this past Saturday (05/21/2011). But, uh. . . it didn’t. The Fat Kid, in this and other poorly-written articles, has claimed that it is silly to suppose, based on some primitive book, that the world would end in May of 2011 when the Mayan Calendar clearly doesn’t end until December of 2012. But not everyone agrees.

Decanus Picto, praying to the goddess Danu in Clintonville’s Park of Roses. Also pictured: his machine gun that he carries everywhere since he went crazy. The authorities have been notified.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Whetstone Park – Two weeks ago, Decanus Picto and his followers in the Church of Danu displeased their goddess, who then threatened to destroy the world in a storm of what is apparently pink fire. Fortunately for us, he pulled it out in time to please the ancient Celtic goddess, but not without a stern warning about the future.

The goddess Danu, surrounded by the pink eternal fire that she intended to consume the entire world with if she didn’t get a goat by Saturday. And those look like little skulls in her hands. Apparently she killed off some children. . . whose corpses all hang headless and limp – bodies with no surprises*.

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . .

Clintonville – Over the past several weeks, many strange things have happened in Clintonville’s famous Chateau 4030. First there was the incapacitating visitation of the BAGD in The Fat Kid’s apartment, and then there was The Shadow’s séance with the device, followed by The Shadow’s utterly predictable felony theft of the BZ gallery’s priceless Margaret James original. But these are really mundane things compared to what the BAGD said it was going to do to Decanus, The Fat Kid and The Shadow – drive them mad, and take them to hell. However, in other ways it looks like the BAGD’s curse may be coming to pass.

The BAGD’s ghost as it appeared in Dublin, Ohio in mid-October 2011. The camera really does add ten pounds.